Dear Charlie,
I’m a freelancer who works with different people all the time. I try to make the work day pleasant by getting along with whoever I work with. This is not such a good thing, because I’ve learned that I’m too nice to people. To give you an example, last week I had to work with a girl whom I didn’t really like. I guess I gave her the impression that I wanted to be friends. Now she talks to me online nonstop, and pries into my personal life. She also tries to follow me around and find out where I am so she can go there. She doesn’t understand why I am never there for her, and actually got mad at me when I didn’t acknowledge her one night. Then she posted general comments about what a true friend is, which I know was directed at me. I actually felt guilty, even though I don’t really like her and I don’t want to be friends! She makes me feel like I have to answer to her and explain myself. How did I get to this point? How can I be polite to people without being too nice when I’m on a job? Also, how can I let this girl know that I’m not necessarily her friend just because we worked together?
-Too Nice
Dear Too Nice,
You may be a bit of a push over in your opinion, but this girl sounds a bit on the neurotic side. I would go as far as to say she is someone to avoid at all cost. Would you say that you feel vulnerable at times? Does that describe you? If so, you did a great job working with her, but now that the job is over, you can go home and leave it where you found it. Your feelings of vulnerability are getting the best of you. People who are very giving, are subject to be victim to people who enjoy taking. You owe this girl nothing and don’t let her make you feel otherwise or she will continue to walk all over you. You might be suffering from passive aggressive tendencies, but I understand your logic. When you go to work, you want things to go smoothly and for there to be no drama. You want to have fun while you’re working and for everyone to get along, so you create a friendly atmosphere. That’s wonderful. You sound like you adapt well. Not everyone is capable of making the most of things. Some people wear their feelings on their sleeve no matter who is in their company. Not you! You rise above it. I think these are your strengths. You are able to focus on the positive long enough to get a job done smoothly with a smile. My guess is that you manage to be very good with people, even though they may annoy you or possess traits you don’t care for. Perhaps deep down inside you are a bit of an actress, to be able to put on a happy face in any given situation. Charming! However, it can get you into a pickle depending on the personality types of those around you. Everyone responds differently to friendliness and charm. Those who are needy might latch on to a person who is socially giving or gregarious. When you offer some people a hand, they’ll take a whole arm and leg! You never know who you are dealing with. This particular girl sounds clingy and controlling. I think this title is abused, but I will go ahead and say it; I think you have a friend stalker on your hands. I deem her behavior as desperate after spending so little time with you. She is not the kind of friend I would want to involuntarily have either. Based on what little you have told me about her, she seems to be manipulative and assuming all too much. However, you may be responsible for leading her on a little. I don’t know the extent of what you evaluate as being “too nice”, but if it includes making future plans to hang out or expressing interest in meeting her boyfriend or people she knows, then yes. You gave her the wrong idea. I highly recommend being direct. If you run into her or have to work with her again, just tap into your inner actress and politely say something like “nice to see you, I have a very busy personal life, but working together was fun.” Be as friendly as you were the first time you met, and she will see that it's just how you are. Some people are online happy, and that’s a bulk of their social life, but to the rest of us it’s a bit ridiculous. Perhaps you gave her something emotionally that she never had before. If your friendly nature has gotten you into trouble on numerous occasions, then maybe there’s some truth to your self-review. We all could stand to learn a thing or two about social graces. Some people feel they are too nice, while others are extremely rude. Be glad you have this problem rather than that! There’s a difference between being polite and inviting friendship in. Where to draw that fine line pertains to the individual. I think you could be polite and friendly while remaining guarded, by not talking too much or giving out too much information about yourself. Be a good listener, without getting too personal. Keep the conversation light and pertaining to the present moment. When you start to share personal information, people feel close to you. Depending on how much you open up to them, they may be able to feel very close to you in a short period of time. You need to be more guarded and protective of yourself. Intimacy is not just a romantic expression between lovers; it also relates to sharing private and personal details with those around you. Don't get intimate with people you barely know. If you have a habit of being an “open book” when it comes to socializing, people will be more likely to walk all over you. When you share too much information about yourself, you make yourself vulnerable to others. Then you are sort of at their mercy. Be guarded, toughen your skin, keep people at a distance, and don’t be so eager to please everybody. I think in your situation it would be OK to practice a little selfishness. If you don’t feel like making friends, then don’t. If someone irritates you, don't be affraid to express that in direct or sublte ways. This takes practice. You need to exercise your right to be honest and pratice being direct. You go to work to work, and nothing more. Social boundaries become unclear when people share too much information. I think this kind of experience shapes us into assertive adults. Over time, you will learn tools to help you better conduct yourself with people in a professional yet friendly manner. As for that girl, some people just don’t get it and have a lot to learn. Sometimes we realize that we need to take a step back from people we have fallen into association with, either by not responding to them at all, brushing them off completely, or by responding curtly. They will get the message. Don't be affraid. It's small potatoes. It’s ok to screw up when you’re learning social graces!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Pending Paternity Test
Dear Charlie,
It has come to my attention that the boy I have been raising as my son could possibly not be mine. My wife disclosed this to me 4 years into our marriage. It turns out that she was intimate with one of her ex boyfriends before we were married, around the time that she became pregnant. This news has damaged our relationship, and we are now separated. I’m unsure whether or not we will be able to work things out, as I am waiting for results of the paternity test. If I find out that my son is not mine, I think it will be very difficult for me to forgive her. We are in counseling, but the issue I’m writing you about is with the boy. I will be crushed if I’m not his real Father, so how will our relationship be able to continue? Please give me some words of wisdom regarding my son.
-Uncertain Father
Dear Uncertain Father,
That’s quite a load you’re carrying. I’m sorry that you had to receive such devastating news from your wife. I imagine you felt your whole world come tumbling down at that moment. Naturally. The fact that your wife was unfaithful has caused resentment and broken your trust, but it’s not impossible to work passed this. Some people are incapable of overcoming the burden of broken trust, but many people overcome it. If you are able to forgive her, focus on the friendship and bond you share as husband and wife. This will take courage and work, but it’s not impossible. I know you didn’t ask for advice on your marriage, but I do want to mention that it was long ago. Perhaps she is not the same person that she was then. People grow and evolve. The fact that she came clean with you was not easy for her to do. It took courage and humility. While you are devastated by this news, I imagine she is devastated also, as is your son. As for the issue at hand with regarding paternity, I will say that a Father is a male parent by definition. You have assumed the role as Father to this child, whom I’m sure has brought much joy and purpose to your life. You think your relationship with your son will be destroyed if a black and white piece of paper delivers the verdict that he’s not your blood offspring. However, you are and have been his only Father from the time he was born. Unless another man has been present in his life all this time, raising him, loving him, providing for him and supporting him, you are his one and only Father. Your feelings of love will not change depending on those results. You have a powerful, important, and deep bond. Every child needs a Father and a Mother. Children who come from single parent homes are often unbalanced and troubled growing up. That’s not to disgrace every child with a single parent, that’s just what statistics show. Though some may do it, it’s hard to be balanced when you only have one parent. This is because a child needs balance to grow and develop. A Father is not necessarily the man who helped your Mother procreate. You call him your son because that’s what he is. He is the child that you raised and are still raising. No one can take away the time you have had together, the love you share, and the responsibility you have taken over him. Regarding the pending results, I say it doesn’t matter. Your son is just that; your son. If you feel the need to look at the results for closure, and they are not in your favor, then you must simply go and legally adopt your son on paper. This makes the role you play in his life official. Society both acknowledges and respects that choice. Focus on the child’s future and happiness. Some biological Fathers are completely missing in the lives of their offspring. Some biological Father choose to not be involved, and neglect or don’t even acknowledge the babies they bore. It takes a real man with a strong heart to stand up to the plate and love an innocent child who needs help and direction. Isn’t that what you had when you were little? Hopefully your answer is yes, but if not, then you know what it’s like without a Father and you should want him to have what you didn’t. A lot of children don’t even have a Mother let alone a Father, and they are at the mercy of human kind. They wait for someone with a calling to show up and adopt them, assuming roles that their biological parents abandoned. This boy does not have a man in his life, to set an example to him and show him how to navigate life. You have been that for him. If you take that away because of a mistake your wife made and a test that shows you how, I would consider it a grave injustice to this child and to you! You need each other and so you deserve each other, in the sense that you love him and he loves you. This precious boy was a gift and a privilege to your life, and you to his. Be grateful that you have each other, and remember that love breaks all written boundaries. Doesn't it sound silly to worry if YOUR son might not be YOURS?? Of course he is. You don't want to miss out on his life. Uncertain Father, be certain that you are every bit a Father as a Father could be.
It has come to my attention that the boy I have been raising as my son could possibly not be mine. My wife disclosed this to me 4 years into our marriage. It turns out that she was intimate with one of her ex boyfriends before we were married, around the time that she became pregnant. This news has damaged our relationship, and we are now separated. I’m unsure whether or not we will be able to work things out, as I am waiting for results of the paternity test. If I find out that my son is not mine, I think it will be very difficult for me to forgive her. We are in counseling, but the issue I’m writing you about is with the boy. I will be crushed if I’m not his real Father, so how will our relationship be able to continue? Please give me some words of wisdom regarding my son.
-Uncertain Father
Dear Uncertain Father,
That’s quite a load you’re carrying. I’m sorry that you had to receive such devastating news from your wife. I imagine you felt your whole world come tumbling down at that moment. Naturally. The fact that your wife was unfaithful has caused resentment and broken your trust, but it’s not impossible to work passed this. Some people are incapable of overcoming the burden of broken trust, but many people overcome it. If you are able to forgive her, focus on the friendship and bond you share as husband and wife. This will take courage and work, but it’s not impossible. I know you didn’t ask for advice on your marriage, but I do want to mention that it was long ago. Perhaps she is not the same person that she was then. People grow and evolve. The fact that she came clean with you was not easy for her to do. It took courage and humility. While you are devastated by this news, I imagine she is devastated also, as is your son. As for the issue at hand with regarding paternity, I will say that a Father is a male parent by definition. You have assumed the role as Father to this child, whom I’m sure has brought much joy and purpose to your life. You think your relationship with your son will be destroyed if a black and white piece of paper delivers the verdict that he’s not your blood offspring. However, you are and have been his only Father from the time he was born. Unless another man has been present in his life all this time, raising him, loving him, providing for him and supporting him, you are his one and only Father. Your feelings of love will not change depending on those results. You have a powerful, important, and deep bond. Every child needs a Father and a Mother. Children who come from single parent homes are often unbalanced and troubled growing up. That’s not to disgrace every child with a single parent, that’s just what statistics show. Though some may do it, it’s hard to be balanced when you only have one parent. This is because a child needs balance to grow and develop. A Father is not necessarily the man who helped your Mother procreate. You call him your son because that’s what he is. He is the child that you raised and are still raising. No one can take away the time you have had together, the love you share, and the responsibility you have taken over him. Regarding the pending results, I say it doesn’t matter. Your son is just that; your son. If you feel the need to look at the results for closure, and they are not in your favor, then you must simply go and legally adopt your son on paper. This makes the role you play in his life official. Society both acknowledges and respects that choice. Focus on the child’s future and happiness. Some biological Fathers are completely missing in the lives of their offspring. Some biological Father choose to not be involved, and neglect or don’t even acknowledge the babies they bore. It takes a real man with a strong heart to stand up to the plate and love an innocent child who needs help and direction. Isn’t that what you had when you were little? Hopefully your answer is yes, but if not, then you know what it’s like without a Father and you should want him to have what you didn’t. A lot of children don’t even have a Mother let alone a Father, and they are at the mercy of human kind. They wait for someone with a calling to show up and adopt them, assuming roles that their biological parents abandoned. This boy does not have a man in his life, to set an example to him and show him how to navigate life. You have been that for him. If you take that away because of a mistake your wife made and a test that shows you how, I would consider it a grave injustice to this child and to you! You need each other and so you deserve each other, in the sense that you love him and he loves you. This precious boy was a gift and a privilege to your life, and you to his. Be grateful that you have each other, and remember that love breaks all written boundaries. Doesn't it sound silly to worry if YOUR son might not be YOURS?? Of course he is. You don't want to miss out on his life. Uncertain Father, be certain that you are every bit a Father as a Father could be.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
To "Help a Sister Out", or Not...
Dear Charlie,
I have worked hard to get where I am today. I have an amazing job that takes me all over the world. I get to meet fascinating people throughout my travels, and I plan to write a book about these adventures. One of my sisters recently contacted me online. I have not talked to her in ages, and she asked me what company I work for. She also wanted to know how I got the job. I’m extremely hesitant to give her this information, because I didn’t have anything handed to me in life. I found my own success. I have shared the spotlight with my siblings my whole life, and this is one thing that I did on my own. How can I politely tell her that it’s confidential information that I don’t want to share?
-My Own Person
Dear My Own Person,
It’s ultimately your prerogative if you don’t want to share. However, don’t you think you would be demonstrating good character and maturity by offering her the information? It's just information. Let’s face it; the company you work for is no secret to most people. It’s interesting that you haven’t talked to your own sister in ages. I’m curious about your family relationships. Depending on your true feelings toward your sister, it sounds like you harbor some serious resentment (correct me if I’m wrong). It sounds like you have let it consume you to the point where you don’t even want to “help a sister out”. You feel threatened by the idea that she might have a chance at doing what you have done. Your pride is getting in the way here (to say the least). I think it’s helpful to understand the long term effects of sibling rivalry here, and how it can still be alive and well in adulthood. I appreciate your desire to establish yourself apart from your family. Everyone is striving for individuality in one way or another. Many people establish themselves through their choice of spouse or career, but alot of family members share the same talents and interests. It sounds like your job is your rock. Through hard work you have come to find this unique life path, and no one can take that away from you. Your sister is asking for basic information. There’s nothing unreasonable about that. It was humble of her to come to you in the first place. Asking someone that kind of question is not always easy. Then there’s the possibility that maybe she just genuinely wants to know out of curiosity. You don’t know what her intentions are. Perhaps she wants to refer someone else there. Giving her this basic information doesn’t impose on your character, life style, or anything about you. No one can take away who you are or what you have done. My guess is that your family has some issues, which you have not dealt with yet. You don’t seem concerned about your reputation in your family, which explains why you don’t care to help. I would be insulted if someone in my family didn’t care enough to help me in times of need. Then again, I keep in touch with my family regularly. If they didn’t want to answer simple questions like these, I would think they were selfish and immature. You feel that your sister doesn’t deserve to be given a chance at the kind of happiness you have found. This is a judgment on your behalf, in which you feel entitled to have obtained this job, above her. You have concluded that by telling her who you work for, you would be handing life to her. However, that is not the reality because (like you admitted) you had to work hard to get there. Let’s look at the worst possible thing that could happen if you were to tell her what she wants to know... Let’s say you told her who you work for, and maybe even who to contact for a job there. Let’s say she then took that information and materialized her ambition into an actual job with them. Now she does what you do, and you no longer feel special. However, the reality would then still be that you got her the job. If it weren’t for you, she never would have had a chance. Therefore, if you’re looking for something to be prideful about, that’s it right there. If you were to direct her to the appropriate party within the company you work for, she would still have to prove herself and get the job. Maybe in the pit of your fear about giving her the “precious” information, you are afraid that she will somehow take away what you have done. What you could do, is contact your company and inform them of your sister’s interest in working there. DO this after she has actually expressed interest in working there (because she hasn't). You could tell them that you have no idea how she operates in the professional world, but that you wanted to help her by at least pointing her in the right direction. That makes you look good to your company. Who knows; maybe you could obtain a promotion of some sort. I don’t think you have to worry about it. Be a dear and tell your sister who you work for, because that’s only half the battle. After that, she has to actually get the job. I’d say that the chances of her getting hired there (in this economy) are not so good. I think you will regret it in the future when you look back one day and realize how selfish you were being. It feels good to help other people. I think you should work on building the relationships in your family to be stronger and healthier. If the relationships are too damaged to function, then that’s a much deeper issue and perhaps you need to cut them out entirely. Though it sounds like you sort of do. Family dysfunction is sometimes better off left behind, but answering her question could only make you look good.
A lot of people identify themselves by what they do. Distinguishing our sense of self in the world can be difficult when coming from a big family. I know very few families who don’t have issues. Everyone does. It’s part of being alive. Only through compromise can we learn to work together. Otherwise, we may become like a selfish little island of wants and needs.
I have worked hard to get where I am today. I have an amazing job that takes me all over the world. I get to meet fascinating people throughout my travels, and I plan to write a book about these adventures. One of my sisters recently contacted me online. I have not talked to her in ages, and she asked me what company I work for. She also wanted to know how I got the job. I’m extremely hesitant to give her this information, because I didn’t have anything handed to me in life. I found my own success. I have shared the spotlight with my siblings my whole life, and this is one thing that I did on my own. How can I politely tell her that it’s confidential information that I don’t want to share?
-My Own Person
Dear My Own Person,
It’s ultimately your prerogative if you don’t want to share. However, don’t you think you would be demonstrating good character and maturity by offering her the information? It's just information. Let’s face it; the company you work for is no secret to most people. It’s interesting that you haven’t talked to your own sister in ages. I’m curious about your family relationships. Depending on your true feelings toward your sister, it sounds like you harbor some serious resentment (correct me if I’m wrong). It sounds like you have let it consume you to the point where you don’t even want to “help a sister out”. You feel threatened by the idea that she might have a chance at doing what you have done. Your pride is getting in the way here (to say the least). I think it’s helpful to understand the long term effects of sibling rivalry here, and how it can still be alive and well in adulthood. I appreciate your desire to establish yourself apart from your family. Everyone is striving for individuality in one way or another. Many people establish themselves through their choice of spouse or career, but alot of family members share the same talents and interests. It sounds like your job is your rock. Through hard work you have come to find this unique life path, and no one can take that away from you. Your sister is asking for basic information. There’s nothing unreasonable about that. It was humble of her to come to you in the first place. Asking someone that kind of question is not always easy. Then there’s the possibility that maybe she just genuinely wants to know out of curiosity. You don’t know what her intentions are. Perhaps she wants to refer someone else there. Giving her this basic information doesn’t impose on your character, life style, or anything about you. No one can take away who you are or what you have done. My guess is that your family has some issues, which you have not dealt with yet. You don’t seem concerned about your reputation in your family, which explains why you don’t care to help. I would be insulted if someone in my family didn’t care enough to help me in times of need. Then again, I keep in touch with my family regularly. If they didn’t want to answer simple questions like these, I would think they were selfish and immature. You feel that your sister doesn’t deserve to be given a chance at the kind of happiness you have found. This is a judgment on your behalf, in which you feel entitled to have obtained this job, above her. You have concluded that by telling her who you work for, you would be handing life to her. However, that is not the reality because (like you admitted) you had to work hard to get there. Let’s look at the worst possible thing that could happen if you were to tell her what she wants to know... Let’s say you told her who you work for, and maybe even who to contact for a job there. Let’s say she then took that information and materialized her ambition into an actual job with them. Now she does what you do, and you no longer feel special. However, the reality would then still be that you got her the job. If it weren’t for you, she never would have had a chance. Therefore, if you’re looking for something to be prideful about, that’s it right there. If you were to direct her to the appropriate party within the company you work for, she would still have to prove herself and get the job. Maybe in the pit of your fear about giving her the “precious” information, you are afraid that she will somehow take away what you have done. What you could do, is contact your company and inform them of your sister’s interest in working there. DO this after she has actually expressed interest in working there (because she hasn't). You could tell them that you have no idea how she operates in the professional world, but that you wanted to help her by at least pointing her in the right direction. That makes you look good to your company. Who knows; maybe you could obtain a promotion of some sort. I don’t think you have to worry about it. Be a dear and tell your sister who you work for, because that’s only half the battle. After that, she has to actually get the job. I’d say that the chances of her getting hired there (in this economy) are not so good. I think you will regret it in the future when you look back one day and realize how selfish you were being. It feels good to help other people. I think you should work on building the relationships in your family to be stronger and healthier. If the relationships are too damaged to function, then that’s a much deeper issue and perhaps you need to cut them out entirely. Though it sounds like you sort of do. Family dysfunction is sometimes better off left behind, but answering her question could only make you look good.
A lot of people identify themselves by what they do. Distinguishing our sense of self in the world can be difficult when coming from a big family. I know very few families who don’t have issues. Everyone does. It’s part of being alive. Only through compromise can we learn to work together. Otherwise, we may become like a selfish little island of wants and needs.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Old Friends Who Still Party
Dear Charlie,
When I was younger, I partied a lot. I used to drink and experiment with drugs, but I wouldn’t say I was an addict or anything. Let’s just say I knew how to have a good time. Now I’m much more responsible. I graduated from Law School and am currently living with my fiancé. I have a friend from High School whom I used to get into a lot of trouble with. He lives far away so we don’t see each other much, but we talk from time to time. I want to go back to visit him and my hometown, but the problem is that he hasn’t changed a bit. He’s still into parties, drugs, and sleeping around. How can I remain friends with him without falling back into old habits?
-Former Wild Child
Dear Former Wild Child,
All hail the glory days of old. Your partner in crime wants to remain partners, whereas you have chosen to sever the old business merger. I get the impression that “he hasn’t changed a bit” was meant in a bad way. The fact is that you don’t have a problem with addiction, but perhaps this friend of yours does. Is it necessary for you to be friends as adults? People change, and go their separate ways. I can appreciate wanting to reconnect with old buddies. Perhaps you consider him like family? If so, there are all kinds of personality types within any given family. You may have different goals and values. Just because we are different doesn’t mean we can’t get along and have a good time together. Basically what you’ve told me is that while you evolved and developed into a functional and stable adult, your friend has not. Some people unfortunately never grow up. It doesn’t mean he can’t have a special place in your heart or that you can never see him again. It doesn't sound like this could be much of an issue since you live seperate lives so far away. When his habits become dysfunctional or abusive to your friendship, then it’s a problem. Until then, what he does with his life is his choice. Just be yourself and don’t make it an issue (unless he does). It’s fun to revisit the people and places we knew when life was simple. If you are still able to hang out and understand each other despite your obvious differences, then that’s great. Sometimes friendships are frozen in time. Perhaps when you are together again, you revert to the age when you were the best of friends. It’s natural for people to regress when in the company of childhood associations. Memories come flooding in and reminding us of how we used to feel. For example, whenever my husband hangs out with his siblings, he behaves younger (if you know what I mean). Ha ha, sorry honey! Their bond as children was strong so as adults, they mentally go back to that time when they're together. Keep in mind that this is a universal dilemma for people. It’s only a problem when the components that once bonded you together no longer exist. If you know that hanging out with this guy will mean free party favors, then have your wits about you. People who do drugs are hard to be friends with (if you don’t do drugs), because they usually expect you to join in. They have this attitude like it's part of the friendship deal. Those are the people with substance abuse problems. They will actually get offended if you don’t par take. Hopefully this does not describe your friend. You can choose to not hang out with him in settings where he feels comfortable making you an “offer”. If he says something like “come hang out with me, I will supply the goodies” then it’s time he got to know the adult you. If this guy is really a friend, then simply decline when he does offer you something. You can simply say “I’m getting too old for that stuff“, or “my fiancé will kill me” in a light manner and laugh it off. Don’t make it an issue, just be cool and let it go. Hopefully he will drop it. Having a drink is a reasonable way for friends to catch up. Blowing 4 lines of cocaine and downing 4 tequila shots is not. Your inner child connects with him, but your adult sense doesn’t. If he pressures you, then it’s time to reevaluate this friendship. As a mature and grounded person, you may find it awkward to return to him and deal with his immaturity. After all, that is what it is. Let’s call a spade a spade here. We all grow up. It’s not a choice, it’s part of the living process. Given the extent of your history and your honesty to assess whether your drug use was problematic or not, this is a classic case of sobriety versus non sobriety. Some people in your situation might feel the pressure to stay cool in the eyes of this old friend. Let’s face it; you wouldn’t have been a partier if you didn’t think parties (and what they entailed) were cool. Maybe that lives deep down inside you somewhere, but you have changed. You are entitled to grow and develop. Look at what you have done with your life. You have managed to go to college, attain a degree, build and keep a relationship, and land a job. Well done! Your friend has not done so well. Maybe he wants your help or maybe he doesn’t, but you should be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished. Even if somewhere in your mind you still seek the approval of this guy, hold your head high because you succeeded to concur what has brought many people down. There’s absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of. Be proud that you pulled it together, and sorry that he has not. People with addictions to boozing or drugs, often go through detox and rehab in order to take control of their lives, and still come out on the other end troubled. How bad is your friend? Has he been to rehab? Does he need to go? Are you able to hang out with him without being tempted to do something foolish? Or does hanging out with him mean that you will allow yourself to have a little fun for old time sake? You could mentally set some personal boundaries with yourself and him. Only meet up with him in public places. You can show him that you are an adult now with real responsibilities, but you still like to have a good time. Invite him out to eat or something innocent like that. Play it safe. Get a drink at a bar or something. If he doesn’t want the party to end there, just stay firm on your limits, and politely tell him you can’t because you have plans to “(insert hypothetical plans)”. If he is a real friend, he will respect you. I don’t think it will take him long to realize how far you have come. He will see that you are stable, and plan to stay that way, but that your inner child was fun and wild. Hold your ground and remember that your life is your choice. He could learn a thing or two from you. Maybe you will rub off on him, but most likely he is who he is going to be by now. Don’t be ashamed of your evolution. “Growing up” is tough and sometimes means we lose people along the way. The friendship will always be alive in your memories, and no one can take away the time you had together. You chose to walk away from that life style for very valuable and good reasons.
Some people, who experiment with or engage in mischievous/rebellious conduct as adolescents, still manage to become functional and healthy adults. On the contrary, most people lack the willpower to control the impulse to escape life’s difficulties (via getting drunk or high), after abusing it too many times. A lot of people think they are in control; meanwhile their life has spiraled in the opposite direction. Young people are excited by risk, so they enjoy the challenge. The euphoria people feel when they’re high, is addicting like a video game; it’s not real. It’s not hard to become warped or delusional this way. Addicts condition themselves to seek constant stimulation. Once people have given themselves the freedom to do this, it’s very hard to resist it as they get older and life gets more complicated. They lose sight of reality, which is that they’re not doing anything productive. They become dysfunctional and sometimes dangerous to others. Boozing, pill popping, “snow” blowing, shooting up, and all the little innovative ways people find to get high these days, just deprive people of the chance to build tools to cope with life’s burdens in a healthy way. These methods are not empowering, to say the least. The impulse to escape then turns into substance abuse, and ultimately a lifelong addiction problem. It’s an ugly cycle that never ends for many people. Therefore, experimenting with drugs or binge drinking is a risky and dangerous game to play in youth, because it can lead to dark places. If you have the strength to know your limits, stop when it’s time and turn your life around, then good for you. I would think that in this heavily media influenced world we live in, people would be turned off by things that break down your body and age you faster. However, young people don’t always see the long term effects and tend to think they are invincible. They are the ones who grow up to have many regrets. They become very unhappy when the years catch up with them later. The new movie “Inception” features this very subject. In Inception, the characters battle in a realm of what is real and what is not. It's not a happy ending for everyone.
When I was younger, I partied a lot. I used to drink and experiment with drugs, but I wouldn’t say I was an addict or anything. Let’s just say I knew how to have a good time. Now I’m much more responsible. I graduated from Law School and am currently living with my fiancé. I have a friend from High School whom I used to get into a lot of trouble with. He lives far away so we don’t see each other much, but we talk from time to time. I want to go back to visit him and my hometown, but the problem is that he hasn’t changed a bit. He’s still into parties, drugs, and sleeping around. How can I remain friends with him without falling back into old habits?
-Former Wild Child
Dear Former Wild Child,
All hail the glory days of old. Your partner in crime wants to remain partners, whereas you have chosen to sever the old business merger. I get the impression that “he hasn’t changed a bit” was meant in a bad way. The fact is that you don’t have a problem with addiction, but perhaps this friend of yours does. Is it necessary for you to be friends as adults? People change, and go their separate ways. I can appreciate wanting to reconnect with old buddies. Perhaps you consider him like family? If so, there are all kinds of personality types within any given family. You may have different goals and values. Just because we are different doesn’t mean we can’t get along and have a good time together. Basically what you’ve told me is that while you evolved and developed into a functional and stable adult, your friend has not. Some people unfortunately never grow up. It doesn’t mean he can’t have a special place in your heart or that you can never see him again. It doesn't sound like this could be much of an issue since you live seperate lives so far away. When his habits become dysfunctional or abusive to your friendship, then it’s a problem. Until then, what he does with his life is his choice. Just be yourself and don’t make it an issue (unless he does). It’s fun to revisit the people and places we knew when life was simple. If you are still able to hang out and understand each other despite your obvious differences, then that’s great. Sometimes friendships are frozen in time. Perhaps when you are together again, you revert to the age when you were the best of friends. It’s natural for people to regress when in the company of childhood associations. Memories come flooding in and reminding us of how we used to feel. For example, whenever my husband hangs out with his siblings, he behaves younger (if you know what I mean). Ha ha, sorry honey! Their bond as children was strong so as adults, they mentally go back to that time when they're together. Keep in mind that this is a universal dilemma for people. It’s only a problem when the components that once bonded you together no longer exist. If you know that hanging out with this guy will mean free party favors, then have your wits about you. People who do drugs are hard to be friends with (if you don’t do drugs), because they usually expect you to join in. They have this attitude like it's part of the friendship deal. Those are the people with substance abuse problems. They will actually get offended if you don’t par take. Hopefully this does not describe your friend. You can choose to not hang out with him in settings where he feels comfortable making you an “offer”. If he says something like “come hang out with me, I will supply the goodies” then it’s time he got to know the adult you. If this guy is really a friend, then simply decline when he does offer you something. You can simply say “I’m getting too old for that stuff“, or “my fiancé will kill me” in a light manner and laugh it off. Don’t make it an issue, just be cool and let it go. Hopefully he will drop it. Having a drink is a reasonable way for friends to catch up. Blowing 4 lines of cocaine and downing 4 tequila shots is not. Your inner child connects with him, but your adult sense doesn’t. If he pressures you, then it’s time to reevaluate this friendship. As a mature and grounded person, you may find it awkward to return to him and deal with his immaturity. After all, that is what it is. Let’s call a spade a spade here. We all grow up. It’s not a choice, it’s part of the living process. Given the extent of your history and your honesty to assess whether your drug use was problematic or not, this is a classic case of sobriety versus non sobriety. Some people in your situation might feel the pressure to stay cool in the eyes of this old friend. Let’s face it; you wouldn’t have been a partier if you didn’t think parties (and what they entailed) were cool. Maybe that lives deep down inside you somewhere, but you have changed. You are entitled to grow and develop. Look at what you have done with your life. You have managed to go to college, attain a degree, build and keep a relationship, and land a job. Well done! Your friend has not done so well. Maybe he wants your help or maybe he doesn’t, but you should be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished. Even if somewhere in your mind you still seek the approval of this guy, hold your head high because you succeeded to concur what has brought many people down. There’s absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of. Be proud that you pulled it together, and sorry that he has not. People with addictions to boozing or drugs, often go through detox and rehab in order to take control of their lives, and still come out on the other end troubled. How bad is your friend? Has he been to rehab? Does he need to go? Are you able to hang out with him without being tempted to do something foolish? Or does hanging out with him mean that you will allow yourself to have a little fun for old time sake? You could mentally set some personal boundaries with yourself and him. Only meet up with him in public places. You can show him that you are an adult now with real responsibilities, but you still like to have a good time. Invite him out to eat or something innocent like that. Play it safe. Get a drink at a bar or something. If he doesn’t want the party to end there, just stay firm on your limits, and politely tell him you can’t because you have plans to “(insert hypothetical plans)”. If he is a real friend, he will respect you. I don’t think it will take him long to realize how far you have come. He will see that you are stable, and plan to stay that way, but that your inner child was fun and wild. Hold your ground and remember that your life is your choice. He could learn a thing or two from you. Maybe you will rub off on him, but most likely he is who he is going to be by now. Don’t be ashamed of your evolution. “Growing up” is tough and sometimes means we lose people along the way. The friendship will always be alive in your memories, and no one can take away the time you had together. You chose to walk away from that life style for very valuable and good reasons.
Some people, who experiment with or engage in mischievous/rebellious conduct as adolescents, still manage to become functional and healthy adults. On the contrary, most people lack the willpower to control the impulse to escape life’s difficulties (via getting drunk or high), after abusing it too many times. A lot of people think they are in control; meanwhile their life has spiraled in the opposite direction. Young people are excited by risk, so they enjoy the challenge. The euphoria people feel when they’re high, is addicting like a video game; it’s not real. It’s not hard to become warped or delusional this way. Addicts condition themselves to seek constant stimulation. Once people have given themselves the freedom to do this, it’s very hard to resist it as they get older and life gets more complicated. They lose sight of reality, which is that they’re not doing anything productive. They become dysfunctional and sometimes dangerous to others. Boozing, pill popping, “snow” blowing, shooting up, and all the little innovative ways people find to get high these days, just deprive people of the chance to build tools to cope with life’s burdens in a healthy way. These methods are not empowering, to say the least. The impulse to escape then turns into substance abuse, and ultimately a lifelong addiction problem. It’s an ugly cycle that never ends for many people. Therefore, experimenting with drugs or binge drinking is a risky and dangerous game to play in youth, because it can lead to dark places. If you have the strength to know your limits, stop when it’s time and turn your life around, then good for you. I would think that in this heavily media influenced world we live in, people would be turned off by things that break down your body and age you faster. However, young people don’t always see the long term effects and tend to think they are invincible. They are the ones who grow up to have many regrets. They become very unhappy when the years catch up with them later. The new movie “Inception” features this very subject. In Inception, the characters battle in a realm of what is real and what is not. It's not a happy ending for everyone.
Friday, July 16, 2010
A Chatty Cathy
Dear Charlie,
I have a relative who is a serious talker. As soon as I answer her call, she proceeds to blab for 15-20 minutes without interruption. I can’t get a word in! I usually just put the phone on speaker and let her rant until it’s over. I like her because she can be very supportive and helpful, but she never stops talking! She talks about her issues and every detail of her day over and over again. She’s like this with everyone, but nobody has the heart to tell her because they pity her. She has issues. I think it’s selfish the way she doesn’t shut up, but I too feel compassion for her being alone at an age when most people are married with children. Lately I have been avoiding her because I just can’t take the chatter any more. It’s irritating and I have been listening to it for so long. How can I make her stop?
-Chatty Cathy’s Cousin
Dear Chatty Cathy’s Cousin,
From the (non-stop) sounds of it, this is d@mn n"ear" abuse. It literally sounds like your Chatty Cathy needs a lesson in the fundamentals of CONVERSATION. Conversing is a give and take form of communication. Your frustration with her is totally understandable. You must have learned that any efforts to interrupt her are useless, as she has borrowed your ear far too much. She is not having a conversation with you, but instead is giving you the privilege of listening to her talk to herself out loud. Lucky you! You must be a professional listener by now. There are many helpful tools that abundant talkers may use to communicate in a more socially graceful manner. Someone who is told they talk too much should ask themselves if it’s worth it to rant and rave, at the risk of pissing off their listener. People, who have friends (and keep them), remain aware of their social effect on others. They respect the nonverbal messages that others give them. For example, if someone sighs, yawns, or looks tired and unengaged, it’s a sign that they are no longer interested in listening for whatever reason. If someone looks away or responds with a distracted “uh huh” while you are talking to them, that would be another sign. It would then behoove you to acknowledge your listener’s non verbal messages, and respect them for future conversation. Look, everyone wants to be heard and feel respected, but having a conversation is a mutual respect of give and take. We all have things to say, but we need to share the spotlight when it comes to talking. It should never just be about us. In a conversation, we talk, listen, get feedback and give feedback. It sounds like your cousin is very lonely and missing some key elements in her life. She may have gotten comfortable clinging to you, because you have allowed her to babble on and on each time she calls. You are her rock at the moment. Your patient listening has given her the message that it’s ok to “blah blah blah”, so she will not change as long as you don’t speak up. Selfish people tend to think that if they talk enough, others will give them what they want; be it more attention, understanding etc. However, the irony is that you actually get more from being a good listener too. Chatty Cathy is a needy and relentless type when it comes to borrowing other people’s ears and time. She’s unaware of how ridiculous it is to chatter incessantly, without giving people the chance to respond or interject their thoughts and opinions. Perhaps she goes about her day in a quiet manner and then makes it a habit to vent on you. Or maybe she divulges her detailed life to everyone she comes in contact with. Some Chatty Cathys will sit down at a restaurant and within minutes, their waiter has heard their life story. My guess is that C.C. would benefit greatly from therapy. A therapist is a trained professional with years of experience and education in how to handle people’s issues. She sounds like she needs somewhere to put all of that. It’s unfortunate that she is alone, but a lot of people are. If she’s having a tough time dealing with it, I think a therapist would help direct her to reaching more productive life goals and dreams. Don’t take her calls all the time and when you do, explain that you have things to do and can’t talk long. Put boundaries on the conversation and when she starts to ramble, interrupt her and explain that you don’t have much time to talk. She will get the message. If you are willing to be blunt with her and care about her mental health, then explain to her in a heart to heart that you love her and want her to be happy, but that sometimes she tends to ramble for too long. Tell her that you recommend she talk to a professional because you are a fan of mental health professionals and feel she would benefit. Tell her proactive and empowering pros to seeking this kind of help, and ultimately helping herself. Approach the issue with sensitivity, but do approach it because otherwise, you will be going in circles on Chatty Cathy’s merry-go-round.
I have a relative who is a serious talker. As soon as I answer her call, she proceeds to blab for 15-20 minutes without interruption. I can’t get a word in! I usually just put the phone on speaker and let her rant until it’s over. I like her because she can be very supportive and helpful, but she never stops talking! She talks about her issues and every detail of her day over and over again. She’s like this with everyone, but nobody has the heart to tell her because they pity her. She has issues. I think it’s selfish the way she doesn’t shut up, but I too feel compassion for her being alone at an age when most people are married with children. Lately I have been avoiding her because I just can’t take the chatter any more. It’s irritating and I have been listening to it for so long. How can I make her stop?
-Chatty Cathy’s Cousin
Dear Chatty Cathy’s Cousin,
From the (non-stop) sounds of it, this is d@mn n"ear" abuse. It literally sounds like your Chatty Cathy needs a lesson in the fundamentals of CONVERSATION. Conversing is a give and take form of communication. Your frustration with her is totally understandable. You must have learned that any efforts to interrupt her are useless, as she has borrowed your ear far too much. She is not having a conversation with you, but instead is giving you the privilege of listening to her talk to herself out loud. Lucky you! You must be a professional listener by now. There are many helpful tools that abundant talkers may use to communicate in a more socially graceful manner. Someone who is told they talk too much should ask themselves if it’s worth it to rant and rave, at the risk of pissing off their listener. People, who have friends (and keep them), remain aware of their social effect on others. They respect the nonverbal messages that others give them. For example, if someone sighs, yawns, or looks tired and unengaged, it’s a sign that they are no longer interested in listening for whatever reason. If someone looks away or responds with a distracted “uh huh” while you are talking to them, that would be another sign. It would then behoove you to acknowledge your listener’s non verbal messages, and respect them for future conversation. Look, everyone wants to be heard and feel respected, but having a conversation is a mutual respect of give and take. We all have things to say, but we need to share the spotlight when it comes to talking. It should never just be about us. In a conversation, we talk, listen, get feedback and give feedback. It sounds like your cousin is very lonely and missing some key elements in her life. She may have gotten comfortable clinging to you, because you have allowed her to babble on and on each time she calls. You are her rock at the moment. Your patient listening has given her the message that it’s ok to “blah blah blah”, so she will not change as long as you don’t speak up. Selfish people tend to think that if they talk enough, others will give them what they want; be it more attention, understanding etc. However, the irony is that you actually get more from being a good listener too. Chatty Cathy is a needy and relentless type when it comes to borrowing other people’s ears and time. She’s unaware of how ridiculous it is to chatter incessantly, without giving people the chance to respond or interject their thoughts and opinions. Perhaps she goes about her day in a quiet manner and then makes it a habit to vent on you. Or maybe she divulges her detailed life to everyone she comes in contact with. Some Chatty Cathys will sit down at a restaurant and within minutes, their waiter has heard their life story. My guess is that C.C. would benefit greatly from therapy. A therapist is a trained professional with years of experience and education in how to handle people’s issues. She sounds like she needs somewhere to put all of that. It’s unfortunate that she is alone, but a lot of people are. If she’s having a tough time dealing with it, I think a therapist would help direct her to reaching more productive life goals and dreams. Don’t take her calls all the time and when you do, explain that you have things to do and can’t talk long. Put boundaries on the conversation and when she starts to ramble, interrupt her and explain that you don’t have much time to talk. She will get the message. If you are willing to be blunt with her and care about her mental health, then explain to her in a heart to heart that you love her and want her to be happy, but that sometimes she tends to ramble for too long. Tell her that you recommend she talk to a professional because you are a fan of mental health professionals and feel she would benefit. Tell her proactive and empowering pros to seeking this kind of help, and ultimately helping herself. Approach the issue with sensitivity, but do approach it because otherwise, you will be going in circles on Chatty Cathy’s merry-go-round.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Mooching Friend
Dear Charlie,
My friend lost her job about 6 months ago and has been sleeping on my couch ever since. Around the same time, her boyfriend broke up with her so she is really depressed. She hasn't found a job yet, and doesn't pay me rent. I am basically supporting her right now out of pity. When I suggest that she work at a restaurant that's hiring wait staff, she says she will be miserable working that kind of job and refuses to apply. Meanwhile, I am stuck with the burden of paying for her food and life! How can I motivate my friend to get off the couch and stop being so depressed!?
-The Crutch
Dear The Crutch,
There’s asking for help, and then there’s mooching. When someone on the receiving end stops giving back over a period of time, they are classified as a “mooch”. Mooch, mooch, mooch! Your charitable efforts to help your friend have been very kind and good hearted, however this may go on for an undetermined or even infinite amount of time. In the ambitious process of putting someone's life back together, we can only do so much. At some point the people we are trying to help, have to help themselves. Your friend has exceeded that point. They say a friend who keeps pushing the limits, is not really a friend at all. People who will continue to excuse this behavior are typically self centered and selfish. You say she has been staying there for 6 months? That is MORE than a sufficient amount of time for her to mourn the loss of a job and boyfriend. It’s time to draw the line sister. You have made it easy for her to get comfortable despite her misfortune that would land some people on the street. She is very lucky to have a friend like you who has been there for her, but you don't want your efforts to save her to land you in the poor house too. It's like when a ship is sinking; you have to put your life jacket on before you try to save others, or else the ship will drag you down with it! Your friend's current life misfortunes are dragging you down with her. It's time for her to buck up and assume responsibility over her life. Desperate times call for desperate measures. A lot of people have been forced to take unlikely jobs in this time of recession. I know a lady who was the Vice President of a major Corporation, whom is now working at a coffee shop until tough times blow over. This is just the reality of many people right now in our economy. Thanks to your kindness, your friend has been given the opportunity to "ride out the storm" in ways that most people would not. Hopefully she is grateful and appreciative of what you have done for her, but it doesn’t sound like it. You have provided for her in her time of need. As adults, we learn to adapt to situations and make the most of what life hands to us. It's time to sit down with your friend, and show her some tough love. If you don’t assert her on this, it will not change. As difficult as it is to do, you must be brutally honest with her because that is the only way she will be motivated to take action. Right now she feels there are no repercussions for her non-actions of laziness. It's easy to dwell or sulk in sorrow when life has gotten hard. When it rains it pours but it's not your job to hold someone's entire world up. A friendship is a give and take, and although she may be a long time friend going through hard times, she has to do her part. If she is unwilling, then you may discover that she is no longer a friend. You may need a support system around you to have an intervention with her. Talk to her calmly and explain the reality which is that you and she cannot go on like this. Tell her that you are suffering financially and that you have cared about her wellbeing and happiness, but she has to get a job now and somewhere to live. This was a temporary situation that has turned into a permanent one. Give her a deadline, or else she will get comfortable talking about it for several more months. Tell her that you have provided a roof, food, and a bed for her for the past 6 months. Explain that you work very hard to make money to support your lifestyle and that you can't afford to support someone else. This is not an unreasonable argument and if she doesn't understand, then that's too bad. She needs to take responsibility. She must show her strength of character now by getting her life together. You have given her all the resources, it's up to her to now to be an adult and face life. We all know the adjustment phase into assuming adult position is tough, but we all do it. Your pocket doesn't need to suffer as though it’s providing for kids you don't even have. Don’t you deserve better than this? Have a heart to heart, and be honest about how all of this makes you feel. You can't go wrong if you stick to the facts. Besides, what will she do if one of your relatives wants to visit? Where would they stay? Maybe you should have someone come to stay with you just to get her out of there. Hopefully she won’t be impossible! You need to burn that candle beneath her. She is not doing her part right now in the friendship, nor in life, and your couch will not be available for her to sleep on forever. She has become dysfunctional. We can’t control the elements around us, but we can control how we respond to them. It's beyond your capabilities to handle all of her issues. As for her depression, she will need professional help for her mental wellness. If one thing is for sure, a healthy diet paired with regular exercise is known to snap some people into a good mood. When she starts to take control over her life and display initiative, she will feel more confident and functional. Until that happens, she will remain a mess. It is NOT YOUR JOB to fix her. Got it? You are neither her life coach nor personal assistant. You are her friend, and she needs to return the favor and be your friend too, and stop leaning on you and crutching on you so much. Tell her firmly that SHE HAS TO GO by X date. PERIOD. Give her about a month or so to find a living situation (which may include a roommate), and a job. Give her a chance to change but you WILL NOT go on like this.
My friend lost her job about 6 months ago and has been sleeping on my couch ever since. Around the same time, her boyfriend broke up with her so she is really depressed. She hasn't found a job yet, and doesn't pay me rent. I am basically supporting her right now out of pity. When I suggest that she work at a restaurant that's hiring wait staff, she says she will be miserable working that kind of job and refuses to apply. Meanwhile, I am stuck with the burden of paying for her food and life! How can I motivate my friend to get off the couch and stop being so depressed!?
-The Crutch
Dear The Crutch,
There’s asking for help, and then there’s mooching. When someone on the receiving end stops giving back over a period of time, they are classified as a “mooch”. Mooch, mooch, mooch! Your charitable efforts to help your friend have been very kind and good hearted, however this may go on for an undetermined or even infinite amount of time. In the ambitious process of putting someone's life back together, we can only do so much. At some point the people we are trying to help, have to help themselves. Your friend has exceeded that point. They say a friend who keeps pushing the limits, is not really a friend at all. People who will continue to excuse this behavior are typically self centered and selfish. You say she has been staying there for 6 months? That is MORE than a sufficient amount of time for her to mourn the loss of a job and boyfriend. It’s time to draw the line sister. You have made it easy for her to get comfortable despite her misfortune that would land some people on the street. She is very lucky to have a friend like you who has been there for her, but you don't want your efforts to save her to land you in the poor house too. It's like when a ship is sinking; you have to put your life jacket on before you try to save others, or else the ship will drag you down with it! Your friend's current life misfortunes are dragging you down with her. It's time for her to buck up and assume responsibility over her life. Desperate times call for desperate measures. A lot of people have been forced to take unlikely jobs in this time of recession. I know a lady who was the Vice President of a major Corporation, whom is now working at a coffee shop until tough times blow over. This is just the reality of many people right now in our economy. Thanks to your kindness, your friend has been given the opportunity to "ride out the storm" in ways that most people would not. Hopefully she is grateful and appreciative of what you have done for her, but it doesn’t sound like it. You have provided for her in her time of need. As adults, we learn to adapt to situations and make the most of what life hands to us. It's time to sit down with your friend, and show her some tough love. If you don’t assert her on this, it will not change. As difficult as it is to do, you must be brutally honest with her because that is the only way she will be motivated to take action. Right now she feels there are no repercussions for her non-actions of laziness. It's easy to dwell or sulk in sorrow when life has gotten hard. When it rains it pours but it's not your job to hold someone's entire world up. A friendship is a give and take, and although she may be a long time friend going through hard times, she has to do her part. If she is unwilling, then you may discover that she is no longer a friend. You may need a support system around you to have an intervention with her. Talk to her calmly and explain the reality which is that you and she cannot go on like this. Tell her that you are suffering financially and that you have cared about her wellbeing and happiness, but she has to get a job now and somewhere to live. This was a temporary situation that has turned into a permanent one. Give her a deadline, or else she will get comfortable talking about it for several more months. Tell her that you have provided a roof, food, and a bed for her for the past 6 months. Explain that you work very hard to make money to support your lifestyle and that you can't afford to support someone else. This is not an unreasonable argument and if she doesn't understand, then that's too bad. She needs to take responsibility. She must show her strength of character now by getting her life together. You have given her all the resources, it's up to her to now to be an adult and face life. We all know the adjustment phase into assuming adult position is tough, but we all do it. Your pocket doesn't need to suffer as though it’s providing for kids you don't even have. Don’t you deserve better than this? Have a heart to heart, and be honest about how all of this makes you feel. You can't go wrong if you stick to the facts. Besides, what will she do if one of your relatives wants to visit? Where would they stay? Maybe you should have someone come to stay with you just to get her out of there. Hopefully she won’t be impossible! You need to burn that candle beneath her. She is not doing her part right now in the friendship, nor in life, and your couch will not be available for her to sleep on forever. She has become dysfunctional. We can’t control the elements around us, but we can control how we respond to them. It's beyond your capabilities to handle all of her issues. As for her depression, she will need professional help for her mental wellness. If one thing is for sure, a healthy diet paired with regular exercise is known to snap some people into a good mood. When she starts to take control over her life and display initiative, she will feel more confident and functional. Until that happens, she will remain a mess. It is NOT YOUR JOB to fix her. Got it? You are neither her life coach nor personal assistant. You are her friend, and she needs to return the favor and be your friend too, and stop leaning on you and crutching on you so much. Tell her firmly that SHE HAS TO GO by X date. PERIOD. Give her about a month or so to find a living situation (which may include a roommate), and a job. Give her a chance to change but you WILL NOT go on like this.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Rude Parents
Dear Charlie,
I don’t have any children, but my fiancé and I plan to one day. What bothers me is a rude mom. Yesterday we were in an ice cream parlor, and a woman came in with her daughter and husband. Her daughter appeared to be around age 6 or so. They were a young and well dressed family, but they got on our sh*t list really quick. When the little girl ran up to the counter and cut in front of several people, her mother did not correct her. In fact, she praised her and acted as though she was more important than everyone else. Now their whole family had cut the line too, and was standing directly behind us. Then, clearly seeing that we had not yet ordered, the mom proceeded to order from behind us, as though we weren’t even there! Isn’t that annoying?! What should I have done?
-Not a Mom
Dear Not a Mom,
Yes, that is annoying. It is also rude, selfish, obnoxious, and poor mannered. I’m giddy that you have written to me to validate your irritation, which is so completely and undeniably legitimate. I wish you had called her out. I understand your apprehension, but you could have politely said “excuse me, we were in front of you and you’ll have to wait your turn”. That would be completely acceptable of you to say, even in front of a child. The parenting skills you witnessed are an exact example of what you should strive NOT to be, when you someday take on the great challenge of parenting. She should have showed her daughter how to respect others, but instead she set a bad example. What happened to teaching our children the message that everyone in the world matters? It’s such a tacky (and ugly) trait when a mother only shows concern for her own child’s comfort and well being, and disregards everyone else. The mother you witnessed sounds like she has a superiority complex. I love how she enforced her little brat’s behavior by continued to rudely ignore the fact that there was a line of equally valuable people who were there before her. These are the moms who are so stuck in their own little world of parenting that nobody else matters outside of their family circle. They walk around with the attitude that “I only care about the people I am related to and whom I bore”. They seem to view all other people as a distraction or interruption to their daily life. They make every exception in the world for their child’s bad behavior, and are very demanding on other people. Everyone is aware of their rudeness and lack of regard. However they use it to their advantage that no one wants to cause a scene or call them out in front of their child. This is how they get away with it. They pass on their superior mentality to their children. Then they condone their child’s poor manners by feeding into their every whim; permitting them to behave badly without explanation. They are teaching their children the wrong messages. Nothing spells S-P-O-I-L-E-D like a daunting Mother or Father who only has eyes for their own offspring. There’s loving, there’s doting, and then there’s just plain spoiling. I mean really, how selfish can some parents be? To answer that question, the sky is the limit. I have seen parents be so completely self centered and unaware of themselves that it’s despicable. Doting parents need to ask themselves: is your child really the only person who matters on the planet? If you have answered; “Well they must be, since they came from me”, then you are in desperate need of an attitude adjustment. In other words, get over yourself. Parents like this are on my “sh*t list” too. Self centered parents assume they are entitled to take precedence over everyone else. They seem to think that no one else in the world could possibly be as valuable as they are. Due to the fact that you are aware of yourself, your surroundings, and the feelings of others, you will not be a Mom like this. Be thankful that you have such lovely traits to be able to call this crappy attitude out, and next time speak up. Even if you don’t get the response you were hoping for, you will feel better. Someone needs to set an example to the younger generations of how to be respectful in public. We learn from women like this, not to repeat their mistakes. I’d say assess the situation next time this happens, but be prepared (and be proud) to assert yourself and correct a rude parent in public. You can be the bigger person by politely showing them that this behavior is not publically acceptable and won’t be tolerated (at least in your presence). Remember, a passive attitude sends the message that the behavior is acceptable. The only way to correct it is to say something. Some parents are no better or more mature than their children.
I don’t have any children, but my fiancé and I plan to one day. What bothers me is a rude mom. Yesterday we were in an ice cream parlor, and a woman came in with her daughter and husband. Her daughter appeared to be around age 6 or so. They were a young and well dressed family, but they got on our sh*t list really quick. When the little girl ran up to the counter and cut in front of several people, her mother did not correct her. In fact, she praised her and acted as though she was more important than everyone else. Now their whole family had cut the line too, and was standing directly behind us. Then, clearly seeing that we had not yet ordered, the mom proceeded to order from behind us, as though we weren’t even there! Isn’t that annoying?! What should I have done?
-Not a Mom
Dear Not a Mom,
Yes, that is annoying. It is also rude, selfish, obnoxious, and poor mannered. I’m giddy that you have written to me to validate your irritation, which is so completely and undeniably legitimate. I wish you had called her out. I understand your apprehension, but you could have politely said “excuse me, we were in front of you and you’ll have to wait your turn”. That would be completely acceptable of you to say, even in front of a child. The parenting skills you witnessed are an exact example of what you should strive NOT to be, when you someday take on the great challenge of parenting. She should have showed her daughter how to respect others, but instead she set a bad example. What happened to teaching our children the message that everyone in the world matters? It’s such a tacky (and ugly) trait when a mother only shows concern for her own child’s comfort and well being, and disregards everyone else. The mother you witnessed sounds like she has a superiority complex. I love how she enforced her little brat’s behavior by continued to rudely ignore the fact that there was a line of equally valuable people who were there before her. These are the moms who are so stuck in their own little world of parenting that nobody else matters outside of their family circle. They walk around with the attitude that “I only care about the people I am related to and whom I bore”. They seem to view all other people as a distraction or interruption to their daily life. They make every exception in the world for their child’s bad behavior, and are very demanding on other people. Everyone is aware of their rudeness and lack of regard. However they use it to their advantage that no one wants to cause a scene or call them out in front of their child. This is how they get away with it. They pass on their superior mentality to their children. Then they condone their child’s poor manners by feeding into their every whim; permitting them to behave badly without explanation. They are teaching their children the wrong messages. Nothing spells S-P-O-I-L-E-D like a daunting Mother or Father who only has eyes for their own offspring. There’s loving, there’s doting, and then there’s just plain spoiling. I mean really, how selfish can some parents be? To answer that question, the sky is the limit. I have seen parents be so completely self centered and unaware of themselves that it’s despicable. Doting parents need to ask themselves: is your child really the only person who matters on the planet? If you have answered; “Well they must be, since they came from me”, then you are in desperate need of an attitude adjustment. In other words, get over yourself. Parents like this are on my “sh*t list” too. Self centered parents assume they are entitled to take precedence over everyone else. They seem to think that no one else in the world could possibly be as valuable as they are. Due to the fact that you are aware of yourself, your surroundings, and the feelings of others, you will not be a Mom like this. Be thankful that you have such lovely traits to be able to call this crappy attitude out, and next time speak up. Even if you don’t get the response you were hoping for, you will feel better. Someone needs to set an example to the younger generations of how to be respectful in public. We learn from women like this, not to repeat their mistakes. I’d say assess the situation next time this happens, but be prepared (and be proud) to assert yourself and correct a rude parent in public. You can be the bigger person by politely showing them that this behavior is not publically acceptable and won’t be tolerated (at least in your presence). Remember, a passive attitude sends the message that the behavior is acceptable. The only way to correct it is to say something. Some parents are no better or more mature than their children.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
A Girlfriend's Insecurities
Dear Charlie,
My girlfriend is so insecure it's driving me crazy. When we first started dating, I was still hanging out with my ex girlfriend. When she found out, she demanded that I stop talking to her. Now I no longer speak to my ex, but my girlfriend can't let it go. I love her and we have been together for 1 and 1/2 years, but she's always jealous of any female who interacts with me. I just can't deal with her when she gets like that. I am a nice guy, and I don't deserve this jealousy.
-Nice Guy
Dear Nice Guy,
I believe what you say is true; your girlfriend cannot let go of what happened. On the other hand, you displayed a behavior early on which gave her cause for concern. Since it was the beginning of your relationship when the foundation of trust is built, your relationship has sort of progressed prematurely. It's like entering into a dark room without a flashlight. You're going to bump into things for a while until your eyes adjust, as opposed to seeing clearly from the point of entry. A relationship needs a solid foundation in order to evolve in a healthy and productive way. Some people don't realize how the beginning sets a tone for the course of trust. While it is true that the beginning of the process is about growing together, learning to understand each other and getting to know each other, it is also an imperative time to the evolution of you as a couple. You showed your girlfriend that you are capable of being involved with (or maybe even having feelings for) more than one girl at a time. That would make me nervous about my relationship too. it sounds like her worrying has escalated into paranoia. I don't know the extent of what the terms for "hanging out" mean to you (in regards to your ex), but it's definately playing with fire to keep old lovers around. That being said, I feel your girlfriends feelings are valid, but that it has created a dysfuction between the two of you. It's time to step back. Successful relationships involve meeting each others needs. She does need to forgive you for the past, but you also need to show her that you are truly sorry and ready to move forward with her. Perhaps you are not giving her enough to hold onto. Some women are very naturally emotionally needy, but sometimes there's a good reason for why they are not feeling fulfilled. When someone we are dating doesn't give us anything to hold onto, it's easy to let go or remain suspicious about their intentions. It also doesn't help that you hid hanging out with your ex from her, and thus she discovered it on her own. This unpleasant surprise can make or break you. She chose to keep you around (obviously), but maybe she was never really certain of what you are capable of? Relationships are challenging enough without trust foundation issues getting in the way. Sometimes we stay in a relationship after it has been damaged, like swallowing a pill without being sure of how it will effect us. I'm not sure you two are a good fit if you aren't willing to take responsibility for having fed into her insecurities. An apology is appreciated and effective, but you have to understand that these are the repurcussions for your actions. Your relationship slate is not entirely clean. Perhaps you need to start over, take a step back, and get to knnow each other all over again. You say you are a nice guy, which may be true, but you have to understand trust; how it is built, how it develops, and how it crumbles. You are both standing on an unsolid foundation right now. If you are basing your relationship on the will power of emotional whims, that is not going to withstand the test of time. A long term, mature, life time companionship consists of solid foundations, mutual respect and understanding. People grow and mature over time, but a lot of relationships become too damaged to function after they are dragged through the process of trial and err. You made a mistake, she needs to forgive you, but you both need to work on the trust here, especially you (whom is responsible). Words sound great, but you have to SHOW her that you are serious about her. The fact that you are writing to me, means that you care and want to work on this. That is great! I think her personality responds this way to that kind of behavior. It is a result of your previous actions. Your relationship is still very young and new despite what you may think. It's hard for people to understand each other sometimes, but really try to put yourself in her shoes. If you can't fathom why she might worry about your intentions with other women after what transpired, then perhaps you both have more growing to do. Let's just hope you don't become too hurt by each other to carry on by the time you reach a higher level of emotional maturity. That would be the goal.
My girlfriend is so insecure it's driving me crazy. When we first started dating, I was still hanging out with my ex girlfriend. When she found out, she demanded that I stop talking to her. Now I no longer speak to my ex, but my girlfriend can't let it go. I love her and we have been together for 1 and 1/2 years, but she's always jealous of any female who interacts with me. I just can't deal with her when she gets like that. I am a nice guy, and I don't deserve this jealousy.
-Nice Guy
Dear Nice Guy,
I believe what you say is true; your girlfriend cannot let go of what happened. On the other hand, you displayed a behavior early on which gave her cause for concern. Since it was the beginning of your relationship when the foundation of trust is built, your relationship has sort of progressed prematurely. It's like entering into a dark room without a flashlight. You're going to bump into things for a while until your eyes adjust, as opposed to seeing clearly from the point of entry. A relationship needs a solid foundation in order to evolve in a healthy and productive way. Some people don't realize how the beginning sets a tone for the course of trust. While it is true that the beginning of the process is about growing together, learning to understand each other and getting to know each other, it is also an imperative time to the evolution of you as a couple. You showed your girlfriend that you are capable of being involved with (or maybe even having feelings for) more than one girl at a time. That would make me nervous about my relationship too. it sounds like her worrying has escalated into paranoia. I don't know the extent of what the terms for "hanging out" mean to you (in regards to your ex), but it's definately playing with fire to keep old lovers around. That being said, I feel your girlfriends feelings are valid, but that it has created a dysfuction between the two of you. It's time to step back. Successful relationships involve meeting each others needs. She does need to forgive you for the past, but you also need to show her that you are truly sorry and ready to move forward with her. Perhaps you are not giving her enough to hold onto. Some women are very naturally emotionally needy, but sometimes there's a good reason for why they are not feeling fulfilled. When someone we are dating doesn't give us anything to hold onto, it's easy to let go or remain suspicious about their intentions. It also doesn't help that you hid hanging out with your ex from her, and thus she discovered it on her own. This unpleasant surprise can make or break you. She chose to keep you around (obviously), but maybe she was never really certain of what you are capable of? Relationships are challenging enough without trust foundation issues getting in the way. Sometimes we stay in a relationship after it has been damaged, like swallowing a pill without being sure of how it will effect us. I'm not sure you two are a good fit if you aren't willing to take responsibility for having fed into her insecurities. An apology is appreciated and effective, but you have to understand that these are the repurcussions for your actions. Your relationship slate is not entirely clean. Perhaps you need to start over, take a step back, and get to knnow each other all over again. You say you are a nice guy, which may be true, but you have to understand trust; how it is built, how it develops, and how it crumbles. You are both standing on an unsolid foundation right now. If you are basing your relationship on the will power of emotional whims, that is not going to withstand the test of time. A long term, mature, life time companionship consists of solid foundations, mutual respect and understanding. People grow and mature over time, but a lot of relationships become too damaged to function after they are dragged through the process of trial and err. You made a mistake, she needs to forgive you, but you both need to work on the trust here, especially you (whom is responsible). Words sound great, but you have to SHOW her that you are serious about her. The fact that you are writing to me, means that you care and want to work on this. That is great! I think her personality responds this way to that kind of behavior. It is a result of your previous actions. Your relationship is still very young and new despite what you may think. It's hard for people to understand each other sometimes, but really try to put yourself in her shoes. If you can't fathom why she might worry about your intentions with other women after what transpired, then perhaps you both have more growing to do. Let's just hope you don't become too hurt by each other to carry on by the time you reach a higher level of emotional maturity. That would be the goal.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Ridiculous Baby Names
Dear Charlie,
My husband’s family has been known for ridiculous baby names. His sister’s names are Rain and Venus, and their children are named Victory and Lotus. You don’t even want to know what my boyfriend’s name is! Despite their hippy names, these people are not as weird as they sound. My issue is that I’m pregnant with our first child. They are already suggesting silly names like Zolt or Helmut for a guy, and Ocean Blue or Prairie Flower for a girl. How can I protect my child’s identity from becoming another weirdo name in the family?
-Properly Named
Dear Properly Named,
Talk about offbeat. On that note, why don’t we just name our children after the My Little Ponies? Those names are almost as bad as celebrity kids “Moon Unit”, “Pilot Inspektor”, and “Audio Science”. Some people never shed their childhood fantasies and carry these name preferences over into adulthood. In our nation boasting of “liberty and freedom”, it is your right as a parent to name your child anything you want. You could essentially name your child Boob and that would be legal. Thus a baby is at the mercy of parental sanity and rationale. Granted that the support systems remains intact, children are likely to be influenced by their parents and adopt similar personality traits. This explains your husbands family. A supportive family may pass down generations of quirky names for years and years to come. Eccentric names add spice to a common list, but beyond what looks good (to some) on paper, they can just sound loony in the world of David, John, Michael, Jennifer, Sarah, Samantha, and Ashley. People often hope that if they name their kid something really unusual, they will turn out to be an equally unique individual. There may be some truth behind this theory in the journey of establishing one’s identity, but in many cases the child undergoes traumatizing teasing amongst peers. With the ambition that a child will become a world renowned artist of sorts, the chance that a girl named “Camera” will follow a career into law or real estate also exists. Then again, how many attorneys do you know who bear names like “Poppyseed”, “Heaven”, or “Rocket”? I’m pretty sure Dr. Bubbles McHenry PhD could only exist in a fictional children’s book. Thus, the name game is an extension of our parent’s reality and sometimes even their personal fantasy. People will live vicariously through their children, or name them accordingly to their long lost dream of becoming a celebrity. They think; “if I were famous, I would change my name to “Velvet ”. They think that they are doing their child a favor by naming them that, but their child could become someone totally different from them and resent their name. It's true that some parents are thinking of themselves when they name their babies. Meanwhile, some of us want our children to establish their own identities without imposing on their journey by giving them a wacky title (that sounds cool at the moment). It's hard to fit in when your name is "Lightening", but then again, the strength of a person's character is measured by how well we adapt to life experiences. Maybe Lightening will become as strong as a lightening bolt by rising above the name calling? It’s human nature to nurture oneself and find value in your name regardless of others take on it. Different strokes for different folks. Your child's name is your call as the Mother, and you will have the final say (with your husband's approval). They can name their children anything they want, but YOU have all the right in the world to name YOUR child whatever YOU want. Your husband and you should decide together on a name, and compromise. If he only likes these kinds of names, then suggest some names that have a quirky flare without being so far-fetched. Maybe you can compromise on a more main stream first name and a quirky middle name. This way you give the child the freedom to go by their first or middle name depending on their personality. Ultimately, it’s your decision. Let his family make all the suggestions they want, and simply smile and nod. If they push you to pick a name, simply firmly tell them “WE haven’t decided yet.” When it comes time to have the baby, you will decide on your own and present it to them after its official and they have no say in the matter. Don’t sweat their silly suggestions, and proudly stand your ground on your own suggestions. You are allowed to have your own taste apart from them. You are in their family, but you were an individual before you knew them and you are entitled to have differences. You can respectfully agree to disagree. Marriage is a partnership and so is everything that comes with it. It’s not their place to decide what your child’s name will be. That’s between you and your husband, of which you must come to a shared agreement.
My husband’s family has been known for ridiculous baby names. His sister’s names are Rain and Venus, and their children are named Victory and Lotus. You don’t even want to know what my boyfriend’s name is! Despite their hippy names, these people are not as weird as they sound. My issue is that I’m pregnant with our first child. They are already suggesting silly names like Zolt or Helmut for a guy, and Ocean Blue or Prairie Flower for a girl. How can I protect my child’s identity from becoming another weirdo name in the family?
-Properly Named
Dear Properly Named,
Talk about offbeat. On that note, why don’t we just name our children after the My Little Ponies? Those names are almost as bad as celebrity kids “Moon Unit”, “Pilot Inspektor”, and “Audio Science”. Some people never shed their childhood fantasies and carry these name preferences over into adulthood. In our nation boasting of “liberty and freedom”, it is your right as a parent to name your child anything you want. You could essentially name your child Boob and that would be legal. Thus a baby is at the mercy of parental sanity and rationale. Granted that the support systems remains intact, children are likely to be influenced by their parents and adopt similar personality traits. This explains your husbands family. A supportive family may pass down generations of quirky names for years and years to come. Eccentric names add spice to a common list, but beyond what looks good (to some) on paper, they can just sound loony in the world of David, John, Michael, Jennifer, Sarah, Samantha, and Ashley. People often hope that if they name their kid something really unusual, they will turn out to be an equally unique individual. There may be some truth behind this theory in the journey of establishing one’s identity, but in many cases the child undergoes traumatizing teasing amongst peers. With the ambition that a child will become a world renowned artist of sorts, the chance that a girl named “Camera” will follow a career into law or real estate also exists. Then again, how many attorneys do you know who bear names like “Poppyseed”, “Heaven”, or “Rocket”? I’m pretty sure Dr. Bubbles McHenry PhD could only exist in a fictional children’s book. Thus, the name game is an extension of our parent’s reality and sometimes even their personal fantasy. People will live vicariously through their children, or name them accordingly to their long lost dream of becoming a celebrity. They think; “if I were famous, I would change my name to “Velvet ”. They think that they are doing their child a favor by naming them that, but their child could become someone totally different from them and resent their name. It's true that some parents are thinking of themselves when they name their babies. Meanwhile, some of us want our children to establish their own identities without imposing on their journey by giving them a wacky title (that sounds cool at the moment). It's hard to fit in when your name is "Lightening", but then again, the strength of a person's character is measured by how well we adapt to life experiences. Maybe Lightening will become as strong as a lightening bolt by rising above the name calling? It’s human nature to nurture oneself and find value in your name regardless of others take on it. Different strokes for different folks. Your child's name is your call as the Mother, and you will have the final say (with your husband's approval). They can name their children anything they want, but YOU have all the right in the world to name YOUR child whatever YOU want. Your husband and you should decide together on a name, and compromise. If he only likes these kinds of names, then suggest some names that have a quirky flare without being so far-fetched. Maybe you can compromise on a more main stream first name and a quirky middle name. This way you give the child the freedom to go by their first or middle name depending on their personality. Ultimately, it’s your decision. Let his family make all the suggestions they want, and simply smile and nod. If they push you to pick a name, simply firmly tell them “WE haven’t decided yet.” When it comes time to have the baby, you will decide on your own and present it to them after its official and they have no say in the matter. Don’t sweat their silly suggestions, and proudly stand your ground on your own suggestions. You are allowed to have your own taste apart from them. You are in their family, but you were an individual before you knew them and you are entitled to have differences. You can respectfully agree to disagree. Marriage is a partnership and so is everything that comes with it. It’s not their place to decide what your child’s name will be. That’s between you and your husband, of which you must come to a shared agreement.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Nudist Mom
Dear Charlie,
When I was a kid, my mother taught us to be comfortable with our bodies. We often saw her naked as she would change with the door open or go to the bathroom in front of us. Nobody made a big deal out of it then, but as I got older I realized that it was not common in other households. That’s when I started to voice my discomfort. Yet still my Mother would continue to "forget" to wear underwear or sleep naked with the door open. Now I am married and when my Mother comes to visit, she is still very carefree with her body. To this day she walks around naked, goes to the bathroom with the door open, and doesn’t wear underwear. It’s embarrassing and upsets me because I have asked her to cover up and do these things behind closed doors. She insists that it’s normal in other countries, that she likes to be naked, and that I shouldn’t make it an issue. I want her to cover up because I don’t want my husband to walk in and find her in the buff. It would be humiliating. Please help me with this.
-Indecent Exposure
Dear Indecent Exposure,
You should send your mother a brochure to a nudist colony since she would fit right in. Your discomfort seeing your Mother naked seems natural to me. When you were kids, it was OK because children are attached to their Mother’s hip. It would be virtually impossible for an infant or child to not see their Mother naked at one point or another. A lot of moms will be naked in front of their babies and children. It’s not anything sexual or weird, Mothers are just too busy raising a family to care. Being a mom is a selfless position. You give your life to your child, so covering up is not always a priority. It sounds like your mother got comfortable in her Birthday suit, and simply never wanted to take it off. Perhaps there comes a time when modesty is a necessary lesson to teach to a growing and developing child. Certainly as adults, it’s proper to cover up our bodily “private parts”. The age when a child is beginning to explore their sexuality, is an exceptionally good cut off point. Have you told your husband about your Mother’s habits? Explain to him what she does and how it bothers you. This will let him know where you stand, and give him fair warning for her future nudist escapades (which he may find amusing). Despite your Mother’s comfort being naked, not everyone feels the way she does and she should respect people's boundaries. Has she noticed when she’s out on the street that everyone is clothed? There’s a reason for that. Your home is not a nudist zone, and you simply don’t welcome that behavior. It’s not too much to ask that she refrain from nudity in front of you. You don’t have to be rude as; “I don’t want to see that!” Just tell your mother that if she cannot respect your wishes for modesty as an adult in your home, then she can’t come over. She is free to do as she pleases in her own home, but you are not comfortable with it in yours. Despite what she may consider commonplace in other countries, here in America it is not normal for two adults (who aren’t romantically involved) to expose themselves in front of each other. Sometimes my friends and I change in front of each other, but even that is done with respectful conscious awareness of nudist opinions. Although there may be more nudist resorts in other countries, nudity is pretty much viewed the same on a world-wide scale. Some people are liberal and want to exercise their freedom, but most people agree that this kind of nudity is inappropriate, including the law. Therefore if your Mother can’t cover up out of respect for your boundaries, then she must do it out of respect for the boundaries of the law since. The fact that it’s illegal to be naked in public areas and will result in arrest, helps your case. Chances are that your Mother is completely aware of all of this, but simply wants it to be acceptable in her inner circle and family. You have every right to want your Mother to be respectful of you if this makes you uncomfortable. Just like she has her reasons for wanting to be naked, you have your reasons for wanting to be clothed. If she can find no basis for understanding the philosophy behind why people cover themselves up, then simply demand that she respect your personal feelings on the matter. Maybe one day when you are a mother, you will better understand how she got to that point. Then again, perhaps her parents were the same way and passed this trait down to her. Some people are just very natural and would prefer to live in a community where others accept their carefree comfort zones. However, in modern society, we wear clothes. Some say this is a case of “to each his own”, but I do think it’s a sensitive subject. Some people feel shocked or traumatized by seeing others naked, let alone their parents. Society has been conditioned to think about nudity in a certain way. The bottom line is that you feel this habit is improper and humiliating, and you don’t appreciate her lack of regard to your feelings. Your feelings should be respected, so go put the smack down on indecent exposure in your house.
P.S.
Maybe you can make a sign for your door that says “Clothing Required for Entry”, or “No Clothes, No Entry”. Ha ha!
When I was a kid, my mother taught us to be comfortable with our bodies. We often saw her naked as she would change with the door open or go to the bathroom in front of us. Nobody made a big deal out of it then, but as I got older I realized that it was not common in other households. That’s when I started to voice my discomfort. Yet still my Mother would continue to "forget" to wear underwear or sleep naked with the door open. Now I am married and when my Mother comes to visit, she is still very carefree with her body. To this day she walks around naked, goes to the bathroom with the door open, and doesn’t wear underwear. It’s embarrassing and upsets me because I have asked her to cover up and do these things behind closed doors. She insists that it’s normal in other countries, that she likes to be naked, and that I shouldn’t make it an issue. I want her to cover up because I don’t want my husband to walk in and find her in the buff. It would be humiliating. Please help me with this.
-Indecent Exposure
Dear Indecent Exposure,
You should send your mother a brochure to a nudist colony since she would fit right in. Your discomfort seeing your Mother naked seems natural to me. When you were kids, it was OK because children are attached to their Mother’s hip. It would be virtually impossible for an infant or child to not see their Mother naked at one point or another. A lot of moms will be naked in front of their babies and children. It’s not anything sexual or weird, Mothers are just too busy raising a family to care. Being a mom is a selfless position. You give your life to your child, so covering up is not always a priority. It sounds like your mother got comfortable in her Birthday suit, and simply never wanted to take it off. Perhaps there comes a time when modesty is a necessary lesson to teach to a growing and developing child. Certainly as adults, it’s proper to cover up our bodily “private parts”. The age when a child is beginning to explore their sexuality, is an exceptionally good cut off point. Have you told your husband about your Mother’s habits? Explain to him what she does and how it bothers you. This will let him know where you stand, and give him fair warning for her future nudist escapades (which he may find amusing). Despite your Mother’s comfort being naked, not everyone feels the way she does and she should respect people's boundaries. Has she noticed when she’s out on the street that everyone is clothed? There’s a reason for that. Your home is not a nudist zone, and you simply don’t welcome that behavior. It’s not too much to ask that she refrain from nudity in front of you. You don’t have to be rude as; “I don’t want to see that!” Just tell your mother that if she cannot respect your wishes for modesty as an adult in your home, then she can’t come over. She is free to do as she pleases in her own home, but you are not comfortable with it in yours. Despite what she may consider commonplace in other countries, here in America it is not normal for two adults (who aren’t romantically involved) to expose themselves in front of each other. Sometimes my friends and I change in front of each other, but even that is done with respectful conscious awareness of nudist opinions. Although there may be more nudist resorts in other countries, nudity is pretty much viewed the same on a world-wide scale. Some people are liberal and want to exercise their freedom, but most people agree that this kind of nudity is inappropriate, including the law. Therefore if your Mother can’t cover up out of respect for your boundaries, then she must do it out of respect for the boundaries of the law since. The fact that it’s illegal to be naked in public areas and will result in arrest, helps your case. Chances are that your Mother is completely aware of all of this, but simply wants it to be acceptable in her inner circle and family. You have every right to want your Mother to be respectful of you if this makes you uncomfortable. Just like she has her reasons for wanting to be naked, you have your reasons for wanting to be clothed. If she can find no basis for understanding the philosophy behind why people cover themselves up, then simply demand that she respect your personal feelings on the matter. Maybe one day when you are a mother, you will better understand how she got to that point. Then again, perhaps her parents were the same way and passed this trait down to her. Some people are just very natural and would prefer to live in a community where others accept their carefree comfort zones. However, in modern society, we wear clothes. Some say this is a case of “to each his own”, but I do think it’s a sensitive subject. Some people feel shocked or traumatized by seeing others naked, let alone their parents. Society has been conditioned to think about nudity in a certain way. The bottom line is that you feel this habit is improper and humiliating, and you don’t appreciate her lack of regard to your feelings. Your feelings should be respected, so go put the smack down on indecent exposure in your house.
P.S.
Maybe you can make a sign for your door that says “Clothing Required for Entry”, or “No Clothes, No Entry”. Ha ha!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Copy Cat Friend
Dear Charlie,
I have a friend whom I have spent a lot of time with. She has always been a little on the clingy side. We often go shopping together and she will buy the same thing as me. I recently had a major makeover. I cut and colored my hair drastically. Only a week later, my friend surprised me by getting the same exact hair style. Now I am avoiding her because I find it creepy. I feel like she wants to be me. Am I overreacting? Or is this legitimately weird?
-An INDIVIDUAL
Dear Individual,
Sounds like a case of the copy cat friend. You must have great taste! Your friend admires you greatly, which is a compliment. However it’s also possible that your friend idolizes you, which is flattering, but some people would find it hard to level with someone who places them on a pedestal. Just like celebrities don’t typically befriend their fans on a personal level, you may naturally feel uncomfortable and annoyed with her monkey-see monkey-do antics. This is not abnormal behavior between friends. There are many reasons as to why someone might be prone to mimicking a friend’s every move. Perhaps she is just very needy and still trying to find herself, trying on your exciting looks in the process. It’s like when little girls try on their mother’s shoes. Perhaps she is easily influenced and is identifying herself with you? Perhaps she imitates you so that she can learn how to be like you? She probably looks up to you. Then again, maybe she feels she has to compete with you, and so she tries to one up your style by doing it too? Or maybe she genuinely loves your style and can’t help herself from following suite, trusting that you will understand? Then there’s the possibility that you are just a very inspirational and creative person to others? People respond differently to being idolized. Some people live for being worshiped and take it as an opportunity to style or shape those around them. Some people love the limelight and being highly influential, while others are more put off by so much attention and want nothing to do with it. I’d say that for your personality type, this friendship is no longer working for you since you want to sever your ties over it. I would take that as a sign that you are not as close as maybe you once were. If there are other things that bother you about her, then perhaps her copy cat attitude is the last straw. Just remember that if you decide to let her go, she will probably be hurt since she is so attached to you. If you find one day that you regret your decision to cut her out entirely and want to reconnect, you may not be welcomed with open arms. Be prepared for whatever she may have waiting for you if you do try to return to this friendship. People go through phases and transitions and sometimes a friendship that once served a great purpose, becomes stale or no longer productive. I’d say f you’re going to be done with her, then look at it as a life pivotal moment and walk away without looking back. Friends come into our lives for different durations. Some serve a life-long purpose, while others are more situational. There are plenty of ways you can become "busy". People change.
P.S.
If you want to conduct a little experiment for your own entertainment to see how far she is willing to go, then maybe you could try something even more outrageous. See if she still mimics you when you dye your hair bright pink (the cheap color that washes right out). If you have gone as far as shaving your head and she's still copying you, then I give up! At that point you will know that you have a 100% pure unadulterated wannabe clone on your hands, and I would sleep with one eye open!
I have a friend whom I have spent a lot of time with. She has always been a little on the clingy side. We often go shopping together and she will buy the same thing as me. I recently had a major makeover. I cut and colored my hair drastically. Only a week later, my friend surprised me by getting the same exact hair style. Now I am avoiding her because I find it creepy. I feel like she wants to be me. Am I overreacting? Or is this legitimately weird?
-An INDIVIDUAL
Dear Individual,
Sounds like a case of the copy cat friend. You must have great taste! Your friend admires you greatly, which is a compliment. However it’s also possible that your friend idolizes you, which is flattering, but some people would find it hard to level with someone who places them on a pedestal. Just like celebrities don’t typically befriend their fans on a personal level, you may naturally feel uncomfortable and annoyed with her monkey-see monkey-do antics. This is not abnormal behavior between friends. There are many reasons as to why someone might be prone to mimicking a friend’s every move. Perhaps she is just very needy and still trying to find herself, trying on your exciting looks in the process. It’s like when little girls try on their mother’s shoes. Perhaps she is easily influenced and is identifying herself with you? Perhaps she imitates you so that she can learn how to be like you? She probably looks up to you. Then again, maybe she feels she has to compete with you, and so she tries to one up your style by doing it too? Or maybe she genuinely loves your style and can’t help herself from following suite, trusting that you will understand? Then there’s the possibility that you are just a very inspirational and creative person to others? People respond differently to being idolized. Some people live for being worshiped and take it as an opportunity to style or shape those around them. Some people love the limelight and being highly influential, while others are more put off by so much attention and want nothing to do with it. I’d say that for your personality type, this friendship is no longer working for you since you want to sever your ties over it. I would take that as a sign that you are not as close as maybe you once were. If there are other things that bother you about her, then perhaps her copy cat attitude is the last straw. Just remember that if you decide to let her go, she will probably be hurt since she is so attached to you. If you find one day that you regret your decision to cut her out entirely and want to reconnect, you may not be welcomed with open arms. Be prepared for whatever she may have waiting for you if you do try to return to this friendship. People go through phases and transitions and sometimes a friendship that once served a great purpose, becomes stale or no longer productive. I’d say f you’re going to be done with her, then look at it as a life pivotal moment and walk away without looking back. Friends come into our lives for different durations. Some serve a life-long purpose, while others are more situational. There are plenty of ways you can become "busy". People change.
P.S.
If you want to conduct a little experiment for your own entertainment to see how far she is willing to go, then maybe you could try something even more outrageous. See if she still mimics you when you dye your hair bright pink (the cheap color that washes right out). If you have gone as far as shaving your head and she's still copying you, then I give up! At that point you will know that you have a 100% pure unadulterated wannabe clone on your hands, and I would sleep with one eye open!
Friday, July 2, 2010
Clingy Neighbor Wont Go Away
Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend and I were taking a trip and needed someone to watch our dog while we were away. I met one of our neighbors in the hall and she agreed to do it for some pay. Since we’ve been back, this neighbor seems to have become my voluntary new best friend. She texts me all day long and if I don’t respond, she just comes right over! It’s so annoying. I feel like I have no privacy in my own home from this girl. I left a note on my door for my boyfriend the other day, and I spied her reading it! She is so nosy! I try to be polite when I see her but she takes it as an invitation to hang out. I don’t know what to do. I can’t seem to dodge her. Just because I needed a dog sitter, didn’t mean I was signing up for an instant friend. Make her go away!
-Neighbor in Hiding
Dear Neighbor in Hiding,
Come out, come out, wherever you are?! Good Lord. You seem to have gotten into a sticky wicket here. It seems that someone made themselves quite at home in your place while you were gone. Your neighbor’s neurotic needs are almost amusing. I can just see this as a comedy sketch on SNL; a wacky/clingy neighbor who pops in on every whim. You’re probably kicking yourself right now for having given her the dog sitting responsibility in the first place. Sometimes weirdos are hard to peg at first glance. They come in many forms and disguises. You were probably in a tight bind to find someone for your dog, and she was conveniently available. Well now we know why! She has now attached herself to your hip and is behaving like an extremely needy, psychotic girlfriend. Let’s just hope she didn’t make a copy of your apartment key! Not to mention, who knows what she did in there while you were away? Are you missing anything? Don’t be surprised if you catch her wearing your favorite skirt one day. I wouldn't be all that shocked if she openly admitted it too; “Oh, I borrowed your skirt! Do you like it on me!?” Ha! OK, so it was a mistake letting her into your life (even as a dog sitter), but who saw that coming?? How were you supposed to know she would turn out to be a lunatic? It’s always risky business when it comes to trusting someone in your home. Many people are discouraged from hiring a professional pet care companies because of the rates. People commonly find a friend or someone nearby to take care of their apartment, pets or children because it’s just easier.
In a situation where moving seems like the ideal escape from a psycho in the hood’, not everyone has that capability. This is a matter of establishing privacy and boundaries with a practical stranger. If she is so unaware of her behavior and how it affects other people, then it’s likely she’s unaware of a lot of things. She doesn’t sound like the brightest crayon in the box. You can use her loony character to your advantage. If she’s ridiculous enough to behave this way, then you are free to respond in equally ridiculous ways. Don’t answer her calls, texts or even the door when she comes knocking. You are entitled to be busy, on the phone, having quiet time, or simply not available. You didn’t agree to have an open revolving door to your neighbors when you signed the lease. Be straight with her, and even rude. Some people have to be hit over the head with a brick in order to get the message. When you see her, don’t be warm, open, inviting or friendly. Be uncomfortable and cold, because that’s how you really feel. Show her the truth. She will take the hint. You don’t want to be friends. No? You can make that clear with body language and lack of acknowledgment etc. There are ways to let people know that they are annoying you. Your kindness only encourages her to keep pursuing your “friendship” (that she created in her head). Sometimes people just need us more than we need them. It’s neither right nor wrong. Someone else may come along and appreciate her in ways you do not. It's flattering that she took a liking to you but for you personally, she is not a compatible fit as your friend. Don’t be afraid to convey this to her, even if it hurts her feelings. Otherwise, she never will go away just like you fear. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it can also be freeing. Let her down easy by simply avoiding her and if you run into her, don’t stop and chat. Tell her you are a busy person and keep moving. If you have to resort to “DO NOT DISTURB” signs on your door, then she should be adept in reading them (according to her note-reading history). You have to be relentless with people like this. I have talked loudly on the phone behind my door when someone (I didn’t want to see) paid me a surprise visit. They could clearly hear that I was home, but as far as I was concerned, I was busy and that was none of their business. You paid her for watching your dog. You don't owe her anything.
If you want to get a rise out of her, you could leave another note on your door that is addressed to your boyfriend, but is actually a note to her in disguise. When opened, it will say; “if this letter is not addressed to you, then you should not be reading it. That goes for you (insert name). I don’t appreciate nosy neighbors“. You could really mess with her with the door note if you wanted to. However, if you're just trying to get rid of her pesty ways without humiliation tactics, then I would suggest taking the assertive route explained above. You took a quick step forward with her when you gave her the keys to your apartment, but now it’s time to take a huge step back. If you can’t assert yourself, then I don’t know what else to tell you. Toughen your skin and be strong. If you take another trip, you best FIND SOMEONE ELSE to take care of the doggie.
My boyfriend and I were taking a trip and needed someone to watch our dog while we were away. I met one of our neighbors in the hall and she agreed to do it for some pay. Since we’ve been back, this neighbor seems to have become my voluntary new best friend. She texts me all day long and if I don’t respond, she just comes right over! It’s so annoying. I feel like I have no privacy in my own home from this girl. I left a note on my door for my boyfriend the other day, and I spied her reading it! She is so nosy! I try to be polite when I see her but she takes it as an invitation to hang out. I don’t know what to do. I can’t seem to dodge her. Just because I needed a dog sitter, didn’t mean I was signing up for an instant friend. Make her go away!
-Neighbor in Hiding
Dear Neighbor in Hiding,
Come out, come out, wherever you are?! Good Lord. You seem to have gotten into a sticky wicket here. It seems that someone made themselves quite at home in your place while you were gone. Your neighbor’s neurotic needs are almost amusing. I can just see this as a comedy sketch on SNL; a wacky/clingy neighbor who pops in on every whim. You’re probably kicking yourself right now for having given her the dog sitting responsibility in the first place. Sometimes weirdos are hard to peg at first glance. They come in many forms and disguises. You were probably in a tight bind to find someone for your dog, and she was conveniently available. Well now we know why! She has now attached herself to your hip and is behaving like an extremely needy, psychotic girlfriend. Let’s just hope she didn’t make a copy of your apartment key! Not to mention, who knows what she did in there while you were away? Are you missing anything? Don’t be surprised if you catch her wearing your favorite skirt one day. I wouldn't be all that shocked if she openly admitted it too; “Oh, I borrowed your skirt! Do you like it on me!?” Ha! OK, so it was a mistake letting her into your life (even as a dog sitter), but who saw that coming?? How were you supposed to know she would turn out to be a lunatic? It’s always risky business when it comes to trusting someone in your home. Many people are discouraged from hiring a professional pet care companies because of the rates. People commonly find a friend or someone nearby to take care of their apartment, pets or children because it’s just easier.
In a situation where moving seems like the ideal escape from a psycho in the hood’, not everyone has that capability. This is a matter of establishing privacy and boundaries with a practical stranger. If she is so unaware of her behavior and how it affects other people, then it’s likely she’s unaware of a lot of things. She doesn’t sound like the brightest crayon in the box. You can use her loony character to your advantage. If she’s ridiculous enough to behave this way, then you are free to respond in equally ridiculous ways. Don’t answer her calls, texts or even the door when she comes knocking. You are entitled to be busy, on the phone, having quiet time, or simply not available. You didn’t agree to have an open revolving door to your neighbors when you signed the lease. Be straight with her, and even rude. Some people have to be hit over the head with a brick in order to get the message. When you see her, don’t be warm, open, inviting or friendly. Be uncomfortable and cold, because that’s how you really feel. Show her the truth. She will take the hint. You don’t want to be friends. No? You can make that clear with body language and lack of acknowledgment etc. There are ways to let people know that they are annoying you. Your kindness only encourages her to keep pursuing your “friendship” (that she created in her head). Sometimes people just need us more than we need them. It’s neither right nor wrong. Someone else may come along and appreciate her in ways you do not. It's flattering that she took a liking to you but for you personally, she is not a compatible fit as your friend. Don’t be afraid to convey this to her, even if it hurts her feelings. Otherwise, she never will go away just like you fear. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it can also be freeing. Let her down easy by simply avoiding her and if you run into her, don’t stop and chat. Tell her you are a busy person and keep moving. If you have to resort to “DO NOT DISTURB” signs on your door, then she should be adept in reading them (according to her note-reading history). You have to be relentless with people like this. I have talked loudly on the phone behind my door when someone (I didn’t want to see) paid me a surprise visit. They could clearly hear that I was home, but as far as I was concerned, I was busy and that was none of their business. You paid her for watching your dog. You don't owe her anything.
If you want to get a rise out of her, you could leave another note on your door that is addressed to your boyfriend, but is actually a note to her in disguise. When opened, it will say; “if this letter is not addressed to you, then you should not be reading it. That goes for you (insert name). I don’t appreciate nosy neighbors“. You could really mess with her with the door note if you wanted to. However, if you're just trying to get rid of her pesty ways without humiliation tactics, then I would suggest taking the assertive route explained above. You took a quick step forward with her when you gave her the keys to your apartment, but now it’s time to take a huge step back. If you can’t assert yourself, then I don’t know what else to tell you. Toughen your skin and be strong. If you take another trip, you best FIND SOMEONE ELSE to take care of the doggie.
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