Dear Charlie

Skipping Out on Job Workshops, Meetings, Lectures, or Conferences

2010-08-24T09:56:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I work for a well known company and am pretty high in the rankings. I have to attend certain workshops and training sessions each year in order to keep my status. This means schmoozing with industry professionals, listening to long talks and lectures, and being bored out of my mind for 3 days straight. I usually skip unnecessary meetings and talks. We have a conference coming up, but now one of my colleagues is going to be sharing a room with me. He is very straight edge and no fun. I’m desperately trying to get out of going to this conference with him. Do you have any suggestions?

-Skippy the Conference Skipper

Dear Skippy,
Nothing says;”I’m lazy” like directly asking for advice on how to avoid doing your job and taking responsibility. It sounds like you’ve had your freedom to do as you please and come and go, up until now. Duuuuuuude, that sucks bro. Look Skippy, it’s been fun but the party’s over. I wouldn’t be surprised if your reputation was becoming known as a slacker, and that this colleague is being sent as supervision in disguise. I’m questioning whether you deserve your title (and salary). I’m sure there are probably plenty of people who do things like this. Although humorous, your slacker confession is insensitive to the current job issues in America right now. Many people have to compensate by working jobs they are overqualified for. Many Americans have taken a huge pay cut or been laid off. You’re asking me how to avoid standing up to the plate, being a man, and doing what everyone else in your position does in order to earn an honest income. Well Skippy, if you want my honest opinion, I don’t think you are very deserving of any of it. You are clearly unaware of how lucky you are, and therefor ungrateful. Your mentality towards your job is similar to that of a teenage delinquent who doesn’t want to go to school. It's fun to play hooky with boring adult stuff, but everyone has to grow up. It's your turn. Do the right thing and go to the conference and show this colleague that you are deserving of what you have and where you stand. While you're at it, grow up.

Unpleasant Reunion

2010-08-23T06:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
When I was a kid, I used to go to summer camp. I made a lot of friends that way, and have kept in touch with some of them over the years. Recently I went into a coffee shop and the guy working there looked familiar. I couldn’t place where I had seen him before until it hit me. He was one of my good childhood friends from summer camp. We had a lot of fun together and I have good memories of him. I was so surprised to see him again so I asked him if he remembered me. He did, but he was unfazed by my sentiments. In fact, he was sort of a jerk about it. He clearly didn’t want to talk to me or reminisce about the past. He wasn’t very friendly or nice about it at all. He was actually very rude. He sarcastically said "Yep, cool". He changed so much from the boy I used to know. I just don’t understand. Call me lame but it hurt my feelings.

-Forgotten Old Friend

Dear Forgotten Old Friend,
Not exactly the reaction you had expected? When something like this happens, it makes you sorry you said anything in the first place. I would regret it too. I feel the same way when I compliment someone’s cute dog or baby on the street, and they are bothered by it. It makes me want to retort something back along the lines of; “well screw you b*tch, I was just being nice.” It’s flattery for f*ck’s sake. Some people have their heads shoved so far up their own asses, that they can’t see the forest through the trees. In your case, you had a history with this guy and he was more than just a random face on the street. He used to be your friend (emphasis on the word “USED” to be). It appears that Mr. Coffee maker is too cool for school any more. Maybe he has issues, is on drugs, or is depressed. Who knows what kind of cards life has dealt him, or how he has handled them? You sure as Hell don’t. I’m painting a really dark picture of the possibilities behind his story, but a lot of time has passed and it's safe to say you don't know him anymore. He has shown you that the child version of him really has little to do with the adult version. There were probably many influences along the way which brought him to this point. Don’t let it get you down, just feel sorry for him that he doesn’t have the capacity to be civil or polite. If he wants to be victim to modern trends that say it’s cool to be selfish and not give a sh*t, then that’s his problem. I don’t know, I think people are not always the way we remember them. Hold on to the happy memories, and be sorry for him that he can't appreciate a warm greeting from an old friend. That's entirely immature. Be glad that people mean something to you. I’m sorry to say but many people don’t mature socially passed a certain age. The truth is that he is a practical stranger now and he was not very nice. That’s a damn shame. Despite the kind of time you had together as kids, leave the past in the past. Forgotten Old Friend, there is nothing lame about you wanting a friend from the past to acknowledge you and remember the precious time you spent as kids together. Some would call those the golden years. Life takes a toll on some people and even causes them to want to write the past off. The movie "Mystic River" is a good example of life changing a childhood companionship. I also refer you to the movie “The Butterfly Effect” to help me explain my point. In the movie, Amy Smart plays Ashton Kutcher’s love interest. Ashton’s character is able to visit Amy in the future, based on different outcomes of a life altering event. In one version, the life altering event was stopped from happening and so Amy develops into a very successful, sheltered, and well rounded young woman. As an adult, he finds her in a good mental state and overall healthy. Next time he visits her in the future to find a completely different girl. She has been so beaten down by life, that she is so jaded and srung out, she breaks his heart. Sometimes, the people we once knew only exist anymore in our memories. Be glad that your heart is still warm and light, and that you didn't turn out like this.

Boyfriend Secretly Seeks Advice

2010-08-19T08:14:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I love to read advice columns. I read them all the time, all different kinds. I was reading a local magazine’s advice column here in Seattle, and one of the letters sounded very familiar. A guy wrote about his live in girlfriend, whom just celebrated their 2 year anniversary. He said his girlfriend was a student and he complained about her being self centered. He said that he didn’t always get along with her. He was questioning the relationship. It was almost as though my boyfriend had written it. This describes us perfectly! Well, I hacked into his email and discovered that he did. I can’t believe it! Do you think I should break up with him over this? I can’t believe he really feels this way.

-Stressed in Seattle

Dear Stressed in Seattle,
As an advice giver myself, this is one of the most ironic things I have ever read. Listen, people write to advice columns with discrepancy and privacy. Sometimes it's an issue they are unsure of, but a lot of the time they just want to vent. Sometimes it’s impulsive or on a whim, regarding an issue they just can’t wrap their head around. A lot of people will put it out there just to get feedback. I honestly think it’s perfectly normal to be unsure. If you were to graph private human thought patterns, you would see lines going up and down all over the place. This is because thoughts are fleeting and what you might find deep inside the mind is messy or instable. There’s a saying that goes like this; “the mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone.” Don’t throw in the towel just yet. It’s also absolutely normal to have insecure thoughts and feelings. Perhaps your boyfriend just had a moment, and that moment has passed. Look at all these letters that people write. Have you ever had a fight and needed to vent anonymously? Some people will call up a friend and vent that way; your boyfriend just chose the public column route. That’s the beauty of advice columns; they are (usually) unbiased. Sometimes people know what the right thing to do is, or how they feel about something, but writing to an advice column is an outlet that justifies or validates their feelings. Perhaps your boyfriend doesn’t really feel that way, but only used the advice column as a form to express himself and to vent. Maybe he wants to protect you from this side of him? Can you honestly say that you’ve never felt or thought something that would hurt his feelings if he found out? Despite how human beings behave in public, what they say, or how they function in the professional world, we are really not very stable creatures. Our minds are full of imagination, emotional whims, experimental ideas, and thought patterns that come and go. I really don’t think you need to be worried, I think he was just experimenting, as most people do who write in for advice. They just want to see what a neutral party has to say about their situation. Sometimes people just want to look at an issue from a different angle. You have no idea what his motives were, and it’s not safe to assume because you don’t know what he’s thinking. What you got was a glimpse into his very private and personal thoughts. It’s unfortunate that his cover was blown but maybe he should have written to someone a little farther away. Does he know you love advice columns? What are the chances that he knew you would read it? While it may have hurt your feelings or given you cause for concern, I feel that anything festering in the mind may surface in different ways, but until it becomes an action or is stated consciously to the appropriate party, it’s just a thought. Talk to him. I wouldn’t advise confessing that you read his email, because that’s breaking a boundary of trust as well, and will not do either of you any good. Don’t get into that habit. I think you should show him the article, and ask him if he wrote it. Play it safe. If he denies it, look him in the eye and tell him that you know he wrote it. If he denies it, gets defensive, or demands to know how you came about this information, tell him "I just know". You are a woman of instinct, no? Insist that you know he wrote it. Ask him if he really feels that way about you and tell him that it hurts. If he won’t admit to it, then you’ve got another issue on your hands. He may need some time to come clean about this, but give him a chance. He may not be able to admit it, if he really doesn’t feel that way or is ashamed. After all, you saw something private that you weren’t supposed to. Go to him with open ears, and tell him that you understand how private thoughts can fester and surface in different ways. Don’t get too confrontational; be gentle because he may be very embarrassed or regret doing it in the first place. He may not feel that way at all anymore. The most important thing here is to give your relationship more time to grow and mature, and see how it goes. You need to be upfront and honest with each other, but you’re entitled to make mistakes. As a student, you are probably preoccupied with things other than your relationship. It’s hard not to be self centered when you are in school and so much is on the line. It's understandable. Maybe there are things about you that he hasn’t come to terms with yet, but that’s the case for most young relationships. If he had confessed to cheating on you, then that would be a deal breaker. This however, sounds to me like fleeting thoughts and whimsy rants, which everyone needs from time to time. Wouldn't you agree?
; )

Employer with Bad Reviews

2010-08-18T06:51:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I’m a 32 year old guy. I’ve been applying for jobs like crazy and have had a couple interviews. I haven’t been too impressed with anyone so far. I got called to interview with a company tomorrow that I was very excited about… until I read their reviews. This company has nothing but bad reviews, and there are a lot of them. I am no longer excited about this job opportunity. Should I cancel my interview?

-Cautious Job Seeker

Dear Cautious,
Having the luxury of picking and choosing between numerous job offers is hard to come by these days. You are very lucky to be in such a position. However, I can understand that you are none too eager to meet with companies that have a bad rap. I would say to go into the interview open minded, and give them a chance. Now that you’ve seen these reviews, you know not to get your hopes up. You have realistic expectations, so anything good that happens will be a surprise. Look at this interview as more of an exercise, rather than a potential job candidate meeting. Feel them out and go with your instincts. If you find that everything you read is right, then at least you know it’s not just you. If, by chance, you are comfortable and pleased with your interview, don’t be afraid to try them out. I admit it’s unlikely that a competitor was attempting to sabotage their reputation by writing all of those reviews. Every reviewer had their reason for giving them negative feedback, but to each, his own. Maybe you are just the guy they need to turn things around. You might hit it off with the owner/manager and find your niche. You don’t want to burn your bridges in the professional world, or jump to conclusions too soon. I don’t know what line of work you are in, but this is a universal concept. You never know who these people are connected to. Canceling an interview sends the message that you’re no longer looking for work. People talk. You don’t want word like that to spread unless it's true. Who knows, this little interview could lead you in the direction of something better. Do you believe everything is for a reason? If so, maybe you will meet someone important to your career (or personal life) at the interview. I think the right thing to do here is take this opportunity to practice. If you don’t feel like you need practice, then you must be the cream of the crop. However, I think everybody could use some ongoing practice, even long time professionals. It keeps you fresh. Here’s a question: do you have something better to do? Another interview lined up? Depending on how bad you need a job right now, you either have a sense of urgency to find work or you don’t. Most people in this economy do, and don’t want to pass anything up. If we always followed what the crowd did or said, nothing extraordinary would ever happen. Go and see for yourself. If you’re disappointed, then you can’t say you weren’t warned. Then again, it would be hard to be disappointed by a company whom you have low expectations of. Maybe you will learn things about yourself during this interview that you can apply to the next one. It’s good to give people a chance. If you honestly feel that this interview will be a waste of your time from start to finish, then by all means cancel. Tell them you are no longer interested in employment with their company via email. Keep it short and curt. Maybe you are in high demand and everyone is calling you off the hook. I still think that it’s productive to go, but it’s your call. I hope you find the right fit, but for now, give them the benefit of the doubt. You just never know.

Unwanted Emails

2010-08-17T07:35:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I signed up on an internet site that automatically sent invitations to everyone on my contact list to join my network. I didn’t know it did this, until I started getting responses from contacts I didn’t know I had. One response was from this guy whom I could have only corresponded with once or twice via email, several years ago. I never dated him. We were just friends in the same line of work. I barely know this guy and haven’t kept in touch with him. He replied with a super long email ranting about what he has been up to, and asking me all kinds of questions. I gave him a very short reply to get him off my back by saying; “It’s nice to hear from you,” but he answered with another super long email and then asked to meet me for coffee! I don’t know how to respond to this. The message he got from “me” was automatic and from the site! How do I explain that to him?

-Open Invitation

Dear Open Invitation,
This guy took an automated networking site message as a personal invitation to come back into your life. How do you respond to someone whom you didn’t write to? Ha! This guy is obviously lonely and desperate for a connection. His eagerness to talk to you was rather premature, since you didn’t actually contact him. He has assumed all too much, and jumped the gun. Maybe this guy is a writer just taking every chance he gets to display his talent, but that’s unlikely. My guess is that he has been thinking about you for some time. It happens. You don’t feel the same way that he does and that’s OK. The fact that your curt reply; “it’s nice to hear from you” was (once again) misconstrued by him as an attempt to reach out, is almost humorous. It's not as though you were leading him on. Someone could have hacked into your account for all her knows. It happends all the time. Let’s see here, how do you politely say “sorry buddy, but I didn’t email you and I don’t want to talk to you”? Well, you could be brutally honest; “the site I signed up on sent automatic invitations out to everyone on my contact list. Take care.” Leave it at that? He would probably get the point. I understand your sensitivity to his feelings in the matter, since he has divulged so much. However, you have to toughen your skin because he has to know that he was taking a risk by putting himself out there so much. You have the option not to reciprocate. You don’t need to explain anything to him. You might be afraid to stop responding at the risk of hurting his feelings, but that's not your problem unless you make it your problem. Sometimes people need you to be more than you can be for them. Some people need a brick to fall on their head in order to get a message. Some people are very lonely and starving for a connection. Sometimes people are in denial about reality because it hurts them too much. Needless to say, you are not on the same page. Whatever is going on with this guy, whoever he is or however you knew him, it’s just email. Emails get deleted, emails don’t get delivered, and ultimately, emails are not personal, despite what some people think. The reason being is that email is a closed form of communication, because you have no way of knowing if it was received, how the person initially responded, or if it went to the appropriate party. This works in your favor. Unless you want to get involved with this guy, I highly recommend that you don’t put anything else out there. It’s his problem at this point. You are not responsible for making him feel better about his lonely life, unless you want to be his girlfriend. You could have cleverly sent another automated response like this; “this is an automated response. I am out of the office and will get back to my emails soon,” and then never reply. He was probably looking for an opportunity to talk to you again, and “you” delivered that chance to him. That site should have given you the option to decline sending personalized invitations to everyone on your contact list. Perhaps there was an option but you didn’t see it? I hope so, because nobody needs this and it’s obnoxious. I think honesty is the best policy when it comes to these awkward situations. Sensitive people get wrapped up in guilt or responsibility to the feelings of others. They are afraid of offending or hurting someone so they continue to be "nice". Sometimes kindness leads desperate people further down the path of false hope. None of this is your fault. What some people consider to be flirting is just a friendly expression to others. Play it safe. Let this guys emails get lost in your inbox. Then don’t worry about it and let it go. After all, it's just email.

Friend's Boyfriend Came to the Rescue

2010-08-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I drove downtown to hang out with one my friends last night. On my way home, I got a flat tire in a sketchy area. I was alone and wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. I kept calling my friend to come help me, but she didn't answer my call. I couldn’t decide whether to call her boyfriend or not, whom lived nearby. I decided to call him when I became desperate. He was able to come and fix it for me. I admit that he was flirting with me. After he fixed the flat, he invited me over to hang out. I didn’t go because it was so late, but he said he wanted to hang out again. Now his girlfriend is mad at me because she thinks I want her boyfriend. She doesn’t even know that he wants me to call him again! Should I tell her? Do you think she is right to be mad? He told me she was the jealous type. Do you think I should call him?

-Damsel in Distress

Dear Damsel in Distress,
Some men love to take on the role of Knight in Shining Armor. Do I think your friend is right to be mad at you? Nope. You did what you had to do. First of all, if this girl is really your friend then she should understand the situation that you were in, and be happy that her boyfriend was there to help. The fact that her boyfriend talked about her (to her friend) behind her back, gives me reason to question his motives. I believe he was being nice, but also taking advantage of the situation. “Jealous” girlfriends are usually reacting to the behavior of their naughty boyfriends. Flirtatious or philandering boyfriends will rid themselves of any guilt or responsibility for causing the insecurities of their girlfriends to fester, by slapping the “jealous” label on them. Don’t get me wrong, some girls are irrationally jealous, but others are being made to feel insecure by their boyfriends. I feel that your friend’s discomfort in the scenario stems from the real issue that she can’t trust her boyfriend. Who knows the root of her overly possessive attitude? She is probably aware of his flirtatious ways, but may be in denial. On the other hand, he may be a harmless flirter who wants out of the relationship. Who knows!?! While he was nice and helpful to come to your rescue, an opportunity presented itself. It was party time for your hero of the night. There’s no denying that his invitation was inappropriate. Some men are opportunists who feed off of gratitude. They see it as a game of trading favors. They look for helpless damsels in distress to lure into their lair. Was he nice to help you? Sure… but his intentions were not entirely innocent when all was said and done. Here’s a question: where was his girlfriend? Furthermore, why didn’t she answer your call? If she had, none of this would have ever happened, so she has herself to thank for that. She isn’t being honest with herself. I don’t know this girl, but I suspect that if you told her what he said, she would direct her anger towards you (rather than at the appropriate party). I also don’t know this guy at all, so I can’t tell you if he is worth a call. You have to use your instincts and better judgment to decide. From what you have told me, it sounds like a terrible idea. Are you interested in stealing your friend’s boyfriend? Do you want to get that involved in all of this? I mean really, are you actually considering calling him again? Are you even really friends with his girlfriend? You sound more like frenemies. There may be a reason for her behavior, and there may be a reason for his behavior too, but nobody is being honest. Since you guys are all young, you’re free to do whatever you want and f*ck up, but this relationship is not serious and this guy sounds like trouble. He is clearly not committed, and she has reason to be concerned. If she can’t see the forest through the trees and realize what’s up with her man, then she has whatever she’s got coming to her. Maybe he lies to her? I don't know. He will inevitably cheat on her. Whether it’s with you or someone else is up to you. He is probably looking for a way out. Unless you are absolutely head over heels secretly in love with this guy, which it doesn’t sound like you are, I would leave his offer at the scene of the heroic act. If you need to ask me if you should call him or not, then my advice is don’t get involved. STAY AWAY. This could easily turn into a messy situation. Friends tend to date within the same pools, but it’s just drama, drama, drama. Find someone else to call your own. He is not displaying trustworthy behavior or a solid track record. Sorry sister. If you tell her that he wants you to call him again, be prepared for an irrational response. She is not thinking clearly, but that shouldn't be your problem. Feel free to simply ignore his offer and forget about it.
P.S. You need new friends.

Power Tripping Boss

2010-08-13T08:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I just started a new job as an assistant to the head honcho of a corporation. When I interviewed for the position, my new boss seemed like someone I wanted to work for. After getting acquainted, she has turned out to be a total control freak. I even bought new, comfortable shoes for this position and they are already worn down after 2 weeks of running around for her. She goes beyond monitoring everything I do. She reams me for every little thing I do. She is very demanding, nags me constantly, and the way she talks to me is condescending. I have never felt so low. I know I should be grateful that I have a job, but this is a nightmare. I want to quit. What should I do?

-Unhappy New Assistant

Dear Unhappy New Assistant,
As if going to work wasn’t a challenge in itself, then you have to deal with a psycho when you get there. That’s too bad. I’d say it rather sucks. They say first impressions are everything, but that’s not necessarily true. People are good at hiding their true colors during brief introductory encounters. You think you got a good feel for her during an interview, but as you got to know her, she brought her skeletons out of the closet. It must have been an unpleasant surprise when you discovered that not all of your duties were listed in the job description. Duties such as withstanding verbal abuse, aiding to neurotic needs, and being belittled throughout your shift, have put you in a position to take it lying down from this lady. Hooray (note sarcasm). Are you feeling like her dog on a leash, or a pawn in the game of life? Some people just love to be LARGE and IN CHARGE, and some bosses look for more than an assistant. The world would be so much easier if employers were honest with potential candidates. It would seem more appropriate to call a spade a spade during the hiring process. Why they don’t just come out and say; “I’m looking for someone to be my whipping post”? Well, the answer to that is no mystery because let’s face it; nobody wants to be a whipping post. In some cases, it just comes with the territory. It seems you have crossed that border. Have you seen the show Ugly Betty? I think that show does a decent job making fun of the cheesy antics in work environments. The fashion industry is an extreme example, but the hierarchy within corporations is political despite the front of professionalism. Power brings out the ugly in people. The dynamic between a Queen Bee boss and her little b*tch sidekick assistant is a common one. Some people are more willing to assume that role than others. You must have done a very good job selling yourself at the interview. Perhaps you seemed to fit the bill for what she was looking for at the time. Unfortunately, she underestimated you. Just like some acting roles are wrongfully cast, jobs are often inappropriately filled. It doesn't sound like you are the proper fit for this woman's assistant (to say the least). You are not a compatible pair as these "shoes" are not your size. She may be feeling it too, or she may be like this with everyone. Working as an assistant for her requires someone whoo posseses traits such as a sense of urgency to satisfy her, a desperate desire for her approval, or a relentless hunger for success at all cost. I think you have no choice other than to make the most of it for now, until you find another job. Given today’s job market, you may have to pace yourself here for a while. You should actively start looking for a new job, as soon as possible. It won’t be easy but it’s not impossible. Oh, and prayers don’t hurt either. There’s the possibility that just like in the movie “The Devil Wears Prada”, you could learn to adjust to her impossible demeanor, but let’s just hope you don’t sabotage or ruin your personal life in the process. For many people, a job is basic life support and a means to provide for family. It’s all about what you want out of life. Some bosses like to act as dictators. Be careful because you don’t want to get fired. Then you will have a negative referral on your employment history. There is a way to politely and gracefully not take people’s crap, despite their power over you. Assert yourself. Remember: she is your boss, but she is also human. Everyone has their weaknesses and vulnerable spots. You could be equally manipulative by finding her Achilles heel. She may be a miserable person on the inside, with a dysfunctional family. Maybe you need to show her that you can handle the job, but that you’re not going to take her too seriously. Feel free to chuckle or giggle a little when she is rude. If she asks you why you are snickering, or if something is funny, reply diplomatically and tell her “no reason”. Since she is a game player, she should understand the subtle language that means "you're ridiculous". Don’t kill yourself over this job, and if she gets really out of line, then feel free to walk away and tell her it’s just not working out. Don't sweat it. Let it roll right off you. Jobs like this are character builders that thicken your skin. It’s all about values and what is important to you. Some people will do anything to get ahead. If working for this woman is really not worth it to you, then stand your ground, demand respect, and don’t back down. There is a fine line between being professional and getting too personal that some employers try to cross. Display good judgment and approach. Establish boundaries by being politely firm. She is the boss of your work, not the boss of your life, despite her intentions. Sometimes people need to be put in their place no matter their title in the professional world. If you guys are go head to head too much, then you could tell her that you don’t think you are a good fit for this position, and write a formal letter of resignation. However, be prepared to work at a coffee shop or something on the other end, when you can’t find a job replacement right away. It may be a pay cut, but a fair emotional trade considering how she makes you feel. Desperate times call for desperate measures, but nobody is owner of anyone else. Slavery was abolished in 1865. If you need to vent, you could get one of your friends to pretend to be your boss. Then you could re-enact a situation from the work day and vent all the things you want to say to her, that have been bottling up inside of you : ) Michael Urie plays Marc St. James on the show Ugly Betty. His character is a personal assistant, who uses a life size doll replica of his boss to vent on her. Support is helpful, but be careful who you confide in at your new job, because you don't know who's trying to get in good with her.

Water Balloon Shattered Windshield

2010-08-12T04:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,

I'm a senior in High School. I've been reading your letters and I like your advice. I need your input, since I can’t figure out what to do. I was at a party, when my friends and I got into a water fight. It was really fun and wild, but things got a little out of control. Water balloons, hoses, and water guns were flying everywhere. I threw a water balloon from the second story of the house and it accidentally hit a windshield. The windshield just happened to belong to the guy that I like. I felt so stupid and embarrassed, that I didn’t admit it was me. Since nobody saw me throw the balloon, he doesn’t know who did it. I hung out with him yesterday and he kept talking about how he has to pay for a new windshield. I am terrified to tell him it was me. Should I come clean? Or would that make me look like a total ass?

-Guilty of Aqua Crime

Dear Guilty of Aqua Crime,

You made an honest mistake. It’s not like you set out to vandalize your crush’s car, or to make the statement; “you better like me OR ELSE!” Look, in most situations, I would advise a person to do the right thing and fess up. However, I feel that in your situation this was truly an accident. With your age being taken into consideration, you are free to take your time. Everyone was being rowdy so it could have just as easily been someone else who shattered his windshield. You just happened to be the unlucky one. There are two sides to the coin here. Playing it safe would mean not speaking a word to him about what you know to be true (the fact that you did it), and continuing to play dumb. However, feelings of guilt may eat away at you after a while and fester in strange ways. Consider the option of offering to pay for the windshield without a confession. This option sounds like a good idea, and makes you look like a really nice girl. Right? Except that it is also a random voluntary act that may indicate you are either A) a pushover, or B) guilty. Look, if he is a nice guy, he will understand that this was a mistake, and not make you feel bad about it. If you really want him to understand where you’re coming from, you could tell him how you feel while you’re at it. This is the stuff that romances are made of. There is a logical explanation as to why you hesitated to own up. If he is not a nice guy, he will be turned off by your blunder and demand that you pay, meanwhile making fun of you for a mistake. Now be honest: are you attracted to nice guys? Or are you into “bad boys”? If this guy reacts like a jerk, then good luck because his smashed windshield is just a sign of things to come in terms of your relationship. That being said, I think this is actually a great “jerk test”. Maybe you will find that he’s not someone you want to date after all. I understand your feelings in this matter. I would also be afraid of the humiliation, the disappointment he might have in me, or the disappointment I might have in him after the truth comes out. It’s time to find out if he is a good guy, who is worth your time and high school experience. Romance aside, a good guy will not make you feel bad, or humiliate you in front of your friends. Telling him the truth will also tell you if you can trust him. Find out what his true colors are when you confide in him about the mortifying truth. If you honestly know that he is not really a nice guy, then spare yourself the humiliation of telling him that you dropped the ball-oon, and act like nothing happened. Reason being that if he is not a nice guy, then he deserved it. Furthermore, stay away from him romantically because he is bad news and he will only hurt you. Then again, if you like him, I’m guessing he probably possesses some good qualities. Therefore, I think you should confess by writing him a letter and telling him how you feel about him. Include payment for his windshield. I think this would be romantic. If you don’t have enough money, ask your parents to loan it to you. You are at an age when it’s completely acceptable to need financial help from your family. You could also offer to wash his car to make up for the situation. He will most likely think you are sweet. If he gets mad at you, then he is too immature to date. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! If you really don’t want to tell him that you are responsible for smashing his windshield, then you could write him a love letter telling him how you feel, and include a donation for the windshield. Don’t pay entirely, just offer to help. I think that would also be romantic, although you are taking responsibility in a non direct way. I understand how awkward and tough dating can be at your age, and I sympathize with your situation. I would not hold it against you if you didn’t come clean with him, and just decided to offer to help pay for it. Maybe if you guys get serious one day, you can confess the truth to him later and explain why it was so hard to tell him. Just remember: if he is a nice guy, he should understand, whether he is into you romantically or not. Also, don’t take it personally if he’s not attracted to you. He may only like women who look like his mom or his childhood babysitter. Who knows where his taste comes from? You will find the right match for you when the time is right. It could be him.... but for now, it’s all about trial and error. Everyone is entitled to make mistakes. Just try to learn from them, take responsibility, and not repeat them.

Drunk Ditcher

2010-08-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I have a friend who I always party with. Every time she gets drunk, she disappears. I don’t know where she goes. We go out together and then she gets so drunk that she just disappears. Sometimes she is my ride and I have to find another way home. Sometimes she calls someone to come pick her up without telling me. I find this extremely annoying because when I get wasted, I don’t pull that crap. I only did one time, but I called her & left a message telling her I was leaving. She is a really cool girl, but it pisses me off when she disappears. How do I get her to stop?

-Always Abandoned

Dear Always Abandoned,
I’m trying to figure out what the real problem is. Is it your friend’s little disappearing act? Or is it that you guys like to get so wasted that you ditch each other? From the sound of it, it seems like this is a habitual thing for you and your party-girl partner in crime. Firstly, if you know she is like this, then don't go out with her. If you insist on hanging with this chick, then go seperately so you are not relying on her and be prepared for whatever happends later. Know what you're dealing with, because it's not really your friend that you are dealing with, but rather the poison in her system. I wouldn't go as far to say that she is not your friend, because I don't believe she is even her own friend, if you know what I mean. Let's cut to the chase... When it comes to the overuse or abuse of substances, people are losing their heads. When you drink or get high, you are not completely all there. Duh? It shouldn't surprise you that when someone gets drunk (and stops being sober), that they stop making rational and logical decisions. I recently woke up to discover a kid sleeping on my front doorstep. Granted that this is NYC (and weird sh*t happens every second of every day), he was intoxicated and passed out on my steps the night before, where he felt safe. I got him a cab home because he also lost his wallet during the course of a very rough night. Look, you are responsible for what you put into your body. Unless someone is following you around and slipping drugs into your drink behind your back, then my guess is that you are doing this to yourselves. Who are you kidding? I mean, maybe you guys are just at the peak and height of your youth and just having fun, but it sounds like you both have drinking problems. Everything in moderation, my friend. I know it seems like something that’s easy to control at your age, but it doesn’t get easier as you get older. People, who abuse alcohol in their youth and then try to stop, are also more likely to become depressed. You are setting yourselves up right now for a very difficult challenge in the future. That challenge is the path to sobriety. I’d be curios to learn what your honest definition of “party” is. How often do you do this? If it's every weekend, that's too much. Are you sure it’s only alcohol you’re into? Perhaps you are hesitant to openly admit that you’re also into cocaine, ecstasy, acid etc.? You don’t have to answer that, but at least be honest with yourself. Look, we all want to have fun, but you are setting yourself up for a lot of difficulty later. When I say difficulty, I mean life altering. You can have fun partying without sailing past your limits. I won’t assume you do anything other than drink, but I will say that generally when you par take in such extreme intoxication (or highs) regularly, you mess with overstimulation. You condition yourself to become addicted to that feeling of bliss that being drunk or high gives you. Yes, the side effects of alcohol are like poison in your system and can be extremely dangerous to your liver, heart, blood, etc. Think about your overall health. At the risk of being “uncool”, someone might refrain from being honest with you about this. The truth is that you are both in bad shape, and I don’t mean physically. To answer your question of how to get your friend to stop abandoning you… Firstly, you can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to do. Your friend lets herself get to the point where she loses total control. The issue is the abuse of alcohol here. It doesn’t sound like something you are interested in changing or adjusting. You have asked for my advice on how to continue partying hard with your friend, and to make her stop ditching you (when she’s so obliterated she can’t even remember who she went out with). Honestly, you could both be due for some time in rehab. Parties are fun, and cool, and “f*cking rad man”, but at the end of the party, you have to come back to reality. Party on Always Abandoned? Think twice before you hang out with someone whom you know you are going to get into deep sh*t with. I think you’re asking for it, and I think you both get sh*t-faced too much. Good luck. Please refer to my letter titled “Alcoholic Friend” in the May archives for more on this.

Tricked into a Date

2010-08-09T07:59:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I met this guy through mutual friends. I don’t have a boyfriend, but I didn’t flirt nor expressed interest in this guy. He invited me to a concert that he said he was going to with some people, and he had an extra ticket. Since I really liked the band, I decided it would be fun to go and meet more people. When I got there, it was just him and I. He claimed that his friends were coming late and that our seats were not together. As the concert went on, he kept waving at whom he claimed were his friends, but we never actually met them or hung out with them there. I tried to be polite since he brought me there, but it felt more and more awkward throughout the night. Then he put his arm around me and it was very uncomfortable. I tried a little dance move to get his arm off of me without being too rude. I tried to be friendly and have fun without being flirtatious, but I think he thinks we’re dating now. How do I let him down easy?

-Tricked into Dating

Dear Tricked,

This is hysterical. While you may be partially responsible for giving him the wrong idea based on your definition of flirting (versus his) , the fact is that he lured you into an exclusive date night. That was sneaky of him! I would also put money on the possibility that he made that whole thing up about going with “some people”, and that they don’t actually exist. Since it’s not fair to assume anything, we have to stick to the facts here. The fact is that you don’t want to be his girlfriend. Whether or not you would like to remain friends with him, is entirely up to you. For now, you are clearly not interested in him romantically, and you don’t want him to get the wrong idea. He, on the other hand, is expressing interest in you (although his approach is indirect). Instead of asking you on a date, he used the allure of a group hangout to get you there. Then when he got you where he wanted you, he moved in for the kill. In turn you, surprised and unaware of how you got yourself into this situation, responded equally indirect by avoiding confrontation and trying to move away from him. Your little dance, I’m sure, was understood by him. He may be in denial yet his tactics seem somewhat relentless. He was determined to be alone with you, and he got his wish. I think the best thing to do here is to be straightforward. “Dancing” around the issue just gives leeway to more game playing. If it makes you too uncomfortable to tell him that you just want to be friends and nothing more, then you are free to avoid him at all cost. However, be warned that if you go this route and see him out at a party or something, you will find yourself feeling awkward once again. Do you still want to be friends with him? Do you think he can handle that? Do you think you can handle? These questions remain unanswered until answered by you. Asserting yourself will nip this puppy in the butt, and put an end to any further awkward or uncomfortable scenarios. You could level with him next time he calls, texts, or emails you. Face it by saying; “Look, I’m not looking for a romantic relationship right now. I’m just looking for friendship”. Tell him it’s nothing personal. You don’t owe him any further explanation than that, considering that what he did was a little ridiculous. I know it’s not easy for everyone to be so honest, but he was asking for it by putting you in this position. He took a risk by trying to pursue you, not knowing what the outcome would be. You should be flattered by his interest, but the truth is that you don’t really know this guy or what he is capable of. If you still want to be friends with him, then tell him that. From the sounds of it, he may or may not respect your wishes. If you explain that you only want to be friends, and he tries to get fresh again, tell him “no funny business”. If he continues to make a move on you after you have been firm about this, then you cannot be his friend because he doesn’t respect you. Sorry. If you try to be friends with him, good luck and hopefully he will respect your boundaries. If you get to a point where you are creped out by him and don’t want his friendship any more, then go your separate way. Don’t respond to his texts or calls. Be distant and curt if (or when) you run into him. At that point, he deserves what he gets. You sound like a real considerate and friendly kind of girl, who is sensitive to other people’s feelings. That is a very attractive quality. I don’t blame him for being interested in you! Who doesn’t want to hang with a girl who likes to have fun? Just learn how to establish boundaries. My guess is that if you don’t have a boyfriend right now, it probably won’t be long until you get one. By then, your boyfriend will be there to defend your honor. I understand the need to hang out and meet new people. We are creatures who thrive off of social networking. Be aware that what you consider to be “flirting” might be misinterpreted by someone else’s standards. Sometimes we don’t mean to get involved in ways that others intend to. A passive attitude only sends the message that the behavior is acceptable. It’s ok to put your foot down and establish boundaries, before the lines are blurred.

Addicted to Sugar

2010-08-06T07:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I love to bake and eat dessert. I am particularly good at it. I appreciate desserts in ways that most people don’t. I love to have something sweet after a good meal. I almost always have dessert. My boyfriend used to love this about me. Lately when I’ve been having sweets, my boyfriend has not been in support of it. He will make comments like “are you sure you need that right now?” I feel that these comments are becoming increasingly regular, and it’s starting to make me feel self conscious about my body. I can’t help that I love desserts, but he never had a problem with it before. Do you think my boyfriend is being rude? Or do you think he has the right to be saying these things?

-Sweet Tooth

Dear Sweet Tooth,
I would like to start by saying that you sound like a talented baker! If I were around you, I would probably develop a sugar addiction too. Some people just have a way with sugar, and are one with its properties. There’s a great book out there called Win the Sugar War by Holly McCord. I read it when I was going through a phase of wanting to eat anything and everything sweet that crossed my path. As it turns out, sugar can be as addicting as cocaine. It also causes an abundance of negative side effects on your body, mental functioning, energy level, mood, teeth, complexion, and weight. There’s no easier way to get bit by the ugly bug, than to overindulge on sweets. Sugar alone can cause diabetes. Did you know that too much sugar can actually act like poison in your body? Anything in excess is not good for you. I don’t entirely blame anyone in America for being overweight or having this problem, due to our culture of culinary commercialism and unrealistically high caloric portions. Perhaps what your boyfriend is concerned about, has nothing to do with your body image, but your overall health in general. Perhaps you feel insecure about your body, due to your unhealthy diet? I don’t know what or how much you eat, but sugar heightens cravings for more sugary foods. You don't to cut it out entirely, just have limits. People with sugar addiction often have portion control issues as well and are prone to over eating. I’m not trying to knock your passion for desserts, but there is a good reason as to why people practice moderation. If your boyfriend were looking you up and down while saying these things, then feel free to be offended and slap him across the face. Just kidding (about the slapping part). However, I feel that he might be just looking out for you. You can tell him how it makes you feel when he says that. Explain that you appreciate his encouragement, but his comments feel like criticism and naturally you want his support and approval. As your lover, you are hurt when he comments on what you’re eating. Say that you could handle this constructive criticism better, if it weren’t coming from someone whom you are romantically intimate with. If you recognize that your habits are unhealthy, then you can simply tell your boyfriend that you know you have a problem, and that you are working on it. Go ahead and be direct. Ask him why he is bothered by you having dessert. He will probably have an honest answer. The thing here is that if you don’t think you have a problem, then you most likely are not going to be adjusting your dietary course any time soon. If you can honestly look yourself in the mirror and say you're not addicted to sugar and that your diet is balanced, then you are not going to fix a problem (that you don't feel you have). In turn, your boyfriend is probably going to continue disapproving, whether he expresses it out loud or keeps it to himself. Yet, if somewhere deep down inside you feel convicted for indulging in every craving on a whim, then perhaps his comments are somewhat justified. It's not easy to hear, but if someone were abusing alcohol, would you tell them? Or would you watch them do that to themself? Sometimes intervening like this can be a form of support. His comment feeds your insecurity about your body, but perhaps he just cares about you? A lot of people will say that they have a legitimate complaint if there lover or spouse was a certain size when they met, but have changed over time. In my opinion, part of being a couple is growing together through thick and thin (literally). Therefore I don’t think it’s really relevant whether your physique has changed or not since you met, because someone who really loves you will not be fixated or focused on how you look. If you’re worried that your boyfriend isn’t attracted to you any more, that's a different issue. I won't say it’s impossible that after getting to know you, he may have deemed this unhealthy habit as something he doesn’t like. He is expressing disapproval of this side of you. I don’t think it’s going to get any better at the rate you're going. The reality is that unless you achnowledge your issue with food, and have the desire to put your sweet tooth in check, it’s likely that your boyfriend will drift farther and farther away from you. I knew a man who complained to his wife about her bad eating habits so much, that she started hoarding candy behind his back. Inevitably she became even bigger and more unhealthy than before. It was not good for her or their relationship. If sweets are a big side of who you are, and you don’t plan to change, then I’m sorry to say but you are more committed to your sweet tooth than a healthy life or relationship. This is not a very good sign for your future with him. I personally think that you would be showing great commitment to your relationship, by working on this and practicing some self control. If you can find no good reason to do it for yourself, then do it out of respect to your relationship. I understand your feelings on the matter, but I do think people should beware the dangers of giving into to indulgence too much. Selfishness leads to loneliness. Desserts will tempt you in every direction of life all day long if you let them, with their decadent presentations and convenient availability. Don't be fooled because they are like the devil in disguise! Ha ha! You could live every moment of my life waiting for your next sweet bite if you wanted. Don’t get caught up in that web. It’s not worth it. At the end of the day, you’ll just be laying around in bed with it on your hips, thighs, stomach and butt, feeling bad about yourself. If you're having a hard time accepting this, begin by subconsciously avoiding sugar. If you neglect or don't acknowledge your cravings, they will start to go away. Surround yourself with healthy things and healthy minded people/activities, and they will rub off on you. Once in a while it’s a real treat, but all the time is on the abusive side to your mind, body, and soul. On the flip side, I must acknowledge that relationships become dysfunctional when the respect is lost along the way. Hopefully your boyfriend still respects you, will see and appreciate your efforts (granted that you make them), and love you any ways. If not, then this is not the guy for you. If your boyfriend has had a change of heart, that that's another issue. I think you need to do some soul searching and that you guys need to talk. Good luck!

Witnessing a Neighborhood Thief

2010-08-05T07:51:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I live in a nice neighborhood, and am friends with some of the people on my street. There is a little boy who lives a few houses down, whose mother is a friend of mine. We have had lunch together a couple times with some other ladies in the neighborhood. Her little boy is about 12 years old and he is very nice from what I can tell. He has a lot of friends and is always playing. While I was walking my dog, I saw him stealing a bike in a nearby neighborhood. He was with a couple other boys and they were looking out for him. He had tools to break the lock off the bike and successfully got away with it. They were being so obvious and loud it was hard not to hear them. What should I do with this information?

-Neighborly Witness

Dear Neighborly Witness,
I think it’s good to examine all the options here because there are several ways you could approach this. Some people believe in putting the smack down on kids and biting it in the butt when they start to behave delinquently. A young criminal minded kid can easily evolve into an adult criminal mind if not corrected. A lot of kids like this are neglected or abused in their homes. However, kids do crazy things all the time. If a kid doesn’t learn that there are repercussions for their actions at an early age, he may become too comfortable and get into real trouble when he’s older. Therefor a lesson is in order here, it's just a matter of how to deliver that lesson. You don’t want to give him such a rude awakening as an introductory lesson in the laws of life that it ruins him. How you handle this could impact the rest of his life. Children are very vulnerable, and easily influenced. Due to this fact, I believe in treating them with “kid gloves” and sensitivity. Life gets more complicated and difficult as we get older. I feel that kids deserve to learn easier and gentler lessons, because it's their introduction to life. There's so much they don't know and so much they are not accountable for. God forbid you got the cops involved, because that can be a traumatizing experience (depending on the cop). You would be amazed at how some cops treat children in situations like this. It can also become a self-fulfilled prophecy, because cops sometimes label children as bad or make them feel so convicted that they live up to those labels and bad feelings as adults. I believe in giving people, especially children, the benefit of the doubt and a chance to learn or change. Kids have been doing naughty things since the beginning of time. It's part of being a kid. If you don't get caught, you may try to do it again or you may be grateful and never do it again. If you do get caught, it could be a valuable lesson or a life label that is hard to shed. Perhaps he’s going down a certain path right now that is not good, but he still has time to turn around and make things right. It’s hard to know a kid socially or tell if he is a bully amongst his peers or not. Since you don’t really know the kid, bringing this to his mother’s attention will mean that she will discipline him to her as she sees fit. It’s up to you as to how proactive you are willing to be. You may not want to be involved, but you already are because of what you saw. That makes you responsible for taking action. Ignoring the situation and staying out of it entirely is not proactive. I think you saw this for a reason, and now it’s up to you to do the right thing. If you have a personal relationship with the boy, or are his friend, you could approach him directly and tell him what you witnessed. Try to make him comfortable talking to you and let him know that he can trust you, before you talk to him. Don’t be judgmental, just state the facts. He will probably be more open to receiving your input, if you are on friendly terms with him, rather than approaching him as a practical stranger. Who knows what’s going on with him? There could be a hundred reasons as to why he is acting this way, depending on his influences. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with his family or home life. He could be in a bad circle of friends who pressures him, or he could be bullied by someone older. You could be a positive impact on his life if you went to him and told him that he should return the bike, or else he gives you no choice other than to tell his parents what you saw. Most likely, he will not want that and be grateful you are giving him this chance. Also, ask him why he did it and tell him what can happen to people who do things like that. I know a woman who wanted to discipline her son so badly, that she took him to a prison to show him where he was headed if he didn’t straighten out. That boy is a lawyer today. I think that confronting the boy is a good route to go, because then you offer him the rare opportunity to make it right. You can't force him to change or do the right thing, you can only try to make a positive impact. If you have no children of your own, this will be a practice run in parenting for you…

Harassment via Email

2010-08-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I responded to an ad online hoping to make some extra cash. It was a small startup company looking to hire people part time. Despite the fact that this business was located 5 hours from where I live, they claimed they were trying to expand in my area. I wanted to give it a chance, so I emailed back and forth with the owner of the company. I soon learned that this company was a scam, and that part of getting hired required you to pay them for training. I thought this was ridiculous, so I stopped pursuing this “great money making opportunity”. A few months later, a friend of mine came across the same website. She informed me that they had me listed as one of their employees. I couldn’t believe it, so I immediately contacted them and asked that they remove my name immediately. This prompted an incredibly unprofessional, bantering response from the owner. I don’t even know this guy, yet he wrote me a long email that was totally out of line about how I'm never going to get any work in the future. I told him to comply with my request, remove my name, and stop emailing me or else it will be considered harassment. He finally removed my name from his site, but said it was only because of my attitude and that I am no longer welcome to work for him. Then he continued to email me personal insults, and we don't even know each other! I asked him to stop harassing me, and told him he was unprofessional. He replied with a whole paragraph about how I am unprofessional, and I am the one who is harassing him! It was the most immature email conversation I think I’ve ever had! I really want to report him in some way, but I don’t know what to do. He keeps emailing me!

-This is Nuts

Dear This is Nuts,
Yes, it is nuts. Thanks for no longer welcoming me to work somewhere I want nothing to do with in the first place?!?!? I’ve heard some pretty bad online job hunt horror stories, but this is a good one. It sounds like you’re arguing with a 5 year old who has to have the last word. You’ve never even met nor talked to this guy, so who knows who he really is? He could be a 12 year old kid hiding behind his computer for all you know. As I mentioned in a previous letter, some online job sites have really gone south. Many people have relied on them during job hunts in the past, but they have become oversaturated with garbage. The problem is in the filter system. Since anybody and everybody with an email can post on sites like this, it doesn’t filter out the abundance of scams and con artists. In fact, it opens the door to them. The truth is that a lot of these sites are flooded with garbage. Therefore, it’s no surprise that when you ventured into this treacherous territory, you discovered an amateur with criminal intent (to say the least). This guy gives a new meaning to being neurotic. Not only is what he did illegal, but you should know that any attempt to deal with him rationally after that will be wasted. In dealing with the criminal minded, there’s no level as to how low or far they can go. People like this disrespect and go out of their way to avenge you because they have no boundaries. In his mind, he is somehow justified. This person sounds like he’s going to dig his own grave eventually. By definition, harassment constitutes as persistent tormenting or threatening behavior, but building a legal case out of it is no easy task. I’m not trying to discourage you from going there; I’m just saying that it’s also very difficult to prove harassment in court. If the harassment is legally acknowledged, you may be able to get a restraining order, but it might not be worth the trouble. The law says that harassment is "repeated, intrusive or unwanted acts, words or gestures that are intended to adversely affect the safety, security or privacy of another, regardless of the relationship between the actor and the intended target." Although it's hard to legally press charges on harassment, you may want to consult with an attorney if he continues being belligerent or threatening you. Unwanted emails and spam are common issues that most attorneys can’t be bothered with. A lawyer will ask you what you want him to do, and will most likely just tell you to stop all contact. Certain email providers like Hotmail have a block list option. Try to block him from sending you anything further, and feel free to call the Better Business Bureau on him if it makes you feel better. However, given his conduct and lack of legitimacy, you may find that his business doesn’t really exist. Definitely stop responding to his emails. If you don’t respond, I think he will stop emailing and find someone else to harass. In responding, you add fuel to his fire. Who knows what he is capable of, because he sounds like a psycho. Good thing this “business” is 5 hours away from you! Ultimately, you can’t stop idiots from being idiots and they are everywhere, not just online. Don’t let this upset you too much or take it personally, because it’s just plain ridiculous. You don’t know who you're dealing with here. You have never even met face to face so as far as I’m concerned, he could be a fugitive living in Iceland. It’s absurd that anyone would have that much to say to someone they don’t even know. He has issues. To think that you had to request that he not fraudulently use your name to endorse himself or gain business without your consent, is illegal activity on his part. Good thing he did obey, or else you would have a case on your hands, in which you could take legal action. Think nothing more of this and try to laugh it off because he really is a joke. Be very cautious when it comes to online job sites. You have to be careful who you share your information with. Sometimes it’s hard to avoid getting involved with garbage like this when it comes to those sites. Beware of the dangers in going there. You could also notify the job search website you found him on of his conduct.

Suspicious Texts from Boyfriend

2010-08-03T08:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I received a bazaar text message from my boyfriend when he was supposed to be studying. It said “you’re not here?” He claimed that it was supposed to be for his roommate but this is not the first time I received a random text from him. He has texted me “you look so hot” when I wasn’t anywhere near him. His explanation was that he wanted me to feel sexy. He also sent me a text once that said “call me” right after I got off the phone with him. When I called him back, he had nothing to say, was acting weird, and then he had to go. I get a bad feeling about these messages. My boyfriend is really attractive and could have any girl he wants. Should I be concerned?

-Texty Girl

Dear Texty Girl,

YES. Unless your boyfriend has a wacky sense of humor, which I’m pretty sure you would be aware of by now, this sounds scandalous. His suspicious text messages are absolutely a cause for concern, considering the possibility that you may not be his only girlfriend. It’s time to take a look at this relationship. In the worst case scenario, you would discover that he is indeed cheating on you. Look for the warning signs. Has his affection or attention towards you been inconsistent? If you find that he is sometimes attentive and then other times negligent, then he's probably not entirely focused on you. Granted that he may be busy with school, you need to pay close attention now that he has set off your radar. When someone is cheating, they may begin to question or doubt the person they are cheating on. This diverts from the fact that they are the guilty one. This tactic psychologically confuses and manipulates the person being cheated on, to feel responsible that they aren’t making their partner feel secure. Meanwhile, the cheater is able to fool around and get away with it. It’s not always obvious when someone is playing games or being deceitful. How much free time does your boyfriend spend with you? What does he do on weekends? Hopefully he wants to spend time with you whenever he can. Also, is our boyfriend overprotective of his phone? How would he react if you were to pick it up randomly and ask him to use it? You should test him. If he acts defensively, or doesn’t want you looking at it, that would be a red flag that he has something to hide. Does he act peculiarly when you two are together? How does he respond to direct questions if you were to ask him if he is seeing anyone else? Some guys can talk a good game, but are sloppy when it comes to hiding their affairs. Do you find discrepancies in his plans? Does he often tell you he is doing one thing, but then you find him doing something else? Is he full of excuses? These are all signs of a true blue cheater. Try to remember if there have been any other signs pointing to the possibility that this boyfriend of yours is not honest. He is showing signs of cheating. Depending on what it will take to open your eyes to the truth about him, I would do some investigating. Don’t run blindly into this relationship with rose colored glasses on. Be cautious, guarded, and keep your wits about you. Don’t get too comfortable with this guy. To believe everything he tells you, or allow him to sweep you off your feet after this suspicious behavior, would be naive. You may get hurt either way, but it will be easier to pick yourself up and move on if you don’t let him take advantage of you. It’s never safe to assume anything, but if he is showing other suspicious signs, then I’d say it’s likely that your boyfriend has naughty secrets and maybe you should find a new one. A good relationship is built on trust and friendship. A relationship that causes you to worry or be constantly suspicious that something is going on behind your back, is dysfunctional and unhealthy. Sometimes we get so excited about someone whom we have strong physcal chemistry with or whom is very attractive to us, that we don't see the flaws surrounding their behavior. When this is the circumstance, we might begin to accept poor treatment to compensate for such a "superior" partner. In a healthy relationship, the love develops over a period of time. Trust is built on a strong foundation of non superficial qualities. If this isn’t enough to make you want to move on from your current boyfriend, then perhaps he deserves the benefit of the doubt. However, I would keep my eye on this guy because he sounds like pure, unadulterated trouble.

"Friends" Talking Behind Your Back

2010-08-02T11:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I recently overheard some friends of mine talking about me. They didn’t know I could hear them, and what they said was very hurtful. They were making fun of me. They called me “spacey” and said I had bad taste in clothes. I had no idea they felt that way about me, and now that I know, I’m not sure they were ever my friends. I have always been sort of an introvert who dresses casually. I’m not going to be friends with people who feel this way about me. How do I tell them that I overheard them and that it really hurt? I don’t think we can be friends any more.

-Wall with Ears

Dear Wall with Ears,
How to explain to your so called “friends” that you’ve had a change of heart, after listening to them talk about you behind your back? I believe they dug their own graves here. Their irresponsible chattering has done them in and it is exactly as you say; they are not your friends at all. They are phony. People, who delight in ganging up on others, or only find a means to connect with people via a shared derogatory opinion of mutual “friends”, are negative and toxic. Life is too short for the presence of these kinds of people. Their behavior was rude, disgraceful, phony, disrespectful, and just plain tacky. Their judgment of you was hurtful, but what’s even worse is that they proved themselves to be backstabbers, which is a hideous characteristic to possess. Furthermore, the bad habit of irresponsible gossiping is contagious to those who are influenced by other people’s opinions. You don’t do that, and won’t associate with people who do. You sound like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders to me. You really don’t need to explain anything to your “friends”, because friends they are not! You’re free to go about your business (and life) without any explanation owed to them. If they approach you in some way, or insist on remaining “friends”, and you want to give them a reason (as to why you don’t comply), then do. Simply tell them that you don’t consider people who think of you as “spacey” or having bad taste, to be friends. Furthermore, you may go on to say that you heard them talking about you and that it was an eye opener. Explain that they showed you their true colors, and that they don’t match yours. Since they already think you have bad taste, they should understand how awful it is to miss-match colors. Friendships are about trust, honesty, and support. It’s unfortunate that you had to witness hurtful and shocking banter between people you trusted. Surprises like this are not pleasant, but such is life. You are disappointed, but they are who they are. Everyone is capable of disappointing you at some point or another, you just have to decide what is acceptable and worth it, and what is better off leaving behind. Crappy people just make the good ones shine brighter. The reality is not always pretty, but at least you can hold your head up and maintain your dignity despite the poor behavior of others. Friends come and go. It can take a long time to get to know people. You have a lot to be thankful for here. Be glad that you don’t gossip about the people you hang out with. Be glad that you are honest and trustworthy. Be glad that you are genuine. That is a wonderful quality that far too many people lack. Be glad that when someone is your friend, it is because you honestly care about them and that you sincerely mean what you say. You have more dignity and grace than people like these phony “friends” you were hanging out with. They are entitled to their opinion, be it mean or nasty. This was a rude awakening, but now it’s time to find some new friends who do like your style and appreciate your introverted personality. They taught us in elementary school that it takes 3 warm fuzzies (compliments) to make up for 1 cold prickly (insult). Well, that message still applies to adulthood, so get to work on rebuilding your mood as soon as possible. Don’t let their opinion make you feel too bad. They just don’t get you. Trust me when I say that for every jerk who doesn’t get you, there are 3 people out there in the world who do!

"I'm Too Nice to People"

2010-07-23T08:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,

I’m a freelancer who works with different people all the time. I try to make the work day pleasant by getting along with whoever I work with. This is not such a good thing, because I’ve learned that I’m too nice to people. To give you an example, last week I had to work with a girl whom I didn’t really like. I guess I gave her the impression that I wanted to be friends. Now she talks to me online nonstop, and pries into my personal life. She also tries to follow me around and find out where I am so she can go there. She doesn’t understand why I am never there for her, and actually got mad at me when I didn’t acknowledge her one night. Then she posted general comments about what a true friend is, which I know was directed at me. I actually felt guilty, even though I don’t really like her and I don’t want to be friends! She makes me feel like I have to answer to her and explain myself. How did I get to this point? How can I be polite to people without being too nice when I’m on a job? Also, how can I let this girl know that I’m not necessarily her friend just because we worked together?

-Too Nice

Dear Too Nice,
You may be a bit of a push over in your opinion, but this girl sounds a bit on the neurotic side. I would go as far as to say she is someone to avoid at all cost. Would you say that you feel vulnerable at times? Does that describe you? If so, you did a great job working with her, but now that the job is over, you can go home and leave it where you found it. Your feelings of vulnerability are getting the best of you. People who are very giving, are subject to be victim to people who enjoy taking. You owe this girl nothing and don’t let her make you feel otherwise or she will continue to walk all over you. You might be suffering from passive aggressive tendencies, but I understand your logic. When you go to work, you want things to go smoothly and for there to be no drama. You want to have fun while you’re working and for everyone to get along, so you create a friendly atmosphere. That’s wonderful. You sound like you adapt well. Not everyone is capable of making the most of things. Some people wear their feelings on their sleeve no matter who is in their company. Not you! You rise above it. I think these are your strengths. You are able to focus on the positive long enough to get a job done smoothly with a smile. My guess is that you manage to be very good with people, even though they may annoy you or possess traits you don’t care for. Perhaps deep down inside you are a bit of an actress, to be able to put on a happy face in any given situation. Charming! However, it can get you into a pickle depending on the personality types of those around you. Everyone responds differently to friendliness and charm. Those who are needy might latch on to a person who is socially giving or gregarious. When you offer some people a hand, they’ll take a whole arm and leg! You never know who you are dealing with. This particular girl sounds clingy and controlling. I think this title is abused, but I will go ahead and say it; I think you have a friend stalker on your hands. I deem her behavior as desperate after spending so little time with you. She is not the kind of friend I would want to involuntarily have either. Based on what little you have told me about her, she seems to be manipulative and assuming all too much. However, you may be responsible for leading her on a little. I don’t know the extent of what you evaluate as being “too nice”, but if it includes making future plans to hang out or expressing interest in meeting her boyfriend or people she knows, then yes. You gave her the wrong idea. I highly recommend being direct. If you run into her or have to work with her again, just tap into your inner actress and politely say something like “nice to see you, I have a very busy personal life, but working together was fun.” Be as friendly as you were the first time you met, and she will see that it's just how you are. Some people are online happy, and that’s a bulk of their social life, but to the rest of us it’s a bit ridiculous. Perhaps you gave her something emotionally that she never had before. If your friendly nature has gotten you into trouble on numerous occasions, then maybe there’s some truth to your self-review. We all could stand to learn a thing or two about social graces. Some people feel they are too nice, while others are extremely rude. Be glad you have this problem rather than that! There’s a difference between being polite and inviting friendship in. Where to draw that fine line pertains to the individual. I think you could be polite and friendly while remaining guarded, by not talking too much or giving out too much information about yourself. Be a good listener, without getting too personal. Keep the conversation light and pertaining to the present moment. When you start to share personal information, people feel close to you. Depending on how much you open up to them, they may be able to feel very close to you in a short period of time. You need to be more guarded and protective of yourself. Intimacy is not just a romantic expression between lovers; it also relates to sharing private and personal details with those around you. Don't get intimate with people you barely know. If you have a habit of being an “open book” when it comes to socializing, people will be more likely to walk all over you. When you share too much information about yourself, you make yourself vulnerable to others. Then you are sort of at their mercy. Be guarded, toughen your skin, keep people at a distance, and don’t be so eager to please everybody. I think in your situation it would be OK to practice a little selfishness. If you don’t feel like making friends, then don’t. If someone irritates you, don't be affraid to express that in direct or sublte ways. This takes practice. You need to exercise your right to be honest and pratice being direct. You go to work to work, and nothing more. Social boundaries become unclear when people share too much information. I think this kind of experience shapes us into assertive adults. Over time, you will learn tools to help you better conduct yourself with people in a professional yet friendly manner. As for that girl, some people just don’t get it and have a lot to learn. Sometimes we realize that we need to take a step back from people we have fallen into association with, either by not responding to them at all, brushing them off completely, or by responding curtly. They will get the message. Don't be affraid. It's small potatoes. It’s ok to screw up when you’re learning social graces!

Pending Paternity Test

2010-07-22T07:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
It has come to my attention that the boy I have been raising as my son could possibly not be mine. My wife disclosed this to me 4 years into our marriage. It turns out that she was intimate with one of her ex boyfriends before we were married, around the time that she became pregnant. This news has damaged our relationship, and we are now separated. I’m unsure whether or not we will be able to work things out, as I am waiting for results of the paternity test. If I find out that my son is not mine, I think it will be very difficult for me to forgive her. We are in counseling, but the issue I’m writing you about is with the boy. I will be crushed if I’m not his real Father, so how will our relationship be able to continue? Please give me some words of wisdom regarding my son.

-Uncertain Father

Dear Uncertain Father,
That’s quite a load you’re carrying. I’m sorry that you had to receive such devastating news from your wife. I imagine you felt your whole world come tumbling down at that moment. Naturally. The fact that your wife was unfaithful has caused resentment and broken your trust, but it’s not impossible to work passed this. Some people are incapable of overcoming the burden of broken trust, but many people overcome it. If you are able to forgive her, focus on the friendship and bond you share as husband and wife. This will take courage and work, but it’s not impossible. I know you didn’t ask for advice on your marriage, but I do want to mention that it was long ago. Perhaps she is not the same person that she was then. People grow and evolve. The fact that she came clean with you was not easy for her to do. It took courage and humility. While you are devastated by this news, I imagine she is devastated also, as is your son. As for the issue at hand with regarding paternity, I will say that a Father is a male parent by definition. You have assumed the role as Father to this child, whom I’m sure has brought much joy and purpose to your life. You think your relationship with your son will be destroyed if a black and white piece of paper delivers the verdict that he’s not your blood offspring. However, you are and have been his only Father from the time he was born. Unless another man has been present in his life all this time, raising him, loving him, providing for him and supporting him, you are his one and only Father. Your feelings of love will not change depending on those results. You have a powerful, important, and deep bond. Every child needs a Father and a Mother. Children who come from single parent homes are often unbalanced and troubled growing up. That’s not to disgrace every child with a single parent, that’s just what statistics show. Though some may do it, it’s hard to be balanced when you only have one parent. This is because a child needs balance to grow and develop. A Father is not necessarily the man who helped your Mother procreate. You call him your son because that’s what he is. He is the child that you raised and are still raising. No one can take away the time you have had together, the love you share, and the responsibility you have taken over him. Regarding the pending results, I say it doesn’t matter. Your son is just that; your son. If you feel the need to look at the results for closure, and they are not in your favor, then you must simply go and legally adopt your son on paper. This makes the role you play in his life official. Society both acknowledges and respects that choice. Focus on the child’s future and happiness. Some biological Fathers are completely missing in the lives of their offspring. Some biological Father choose to not be involved, and neglect or don’t even acknowledge the babies they bore. It takes a real man with a strong heart to stand up to the plate and love an innocent child who needs help and direction. Isn’t that what you had when you were little? Hopefully your answer is yes, but if not, then you know what it’s like without a Father and you should want him to have what you didn’t. A lot of children don’t even have a Mother let alone a Father, and they are at the mercy of human kind. They wait for someone with a calling to show up and adopt them, assuming roles that their biological parents abandoned. This boy does not have a man in his life, to set an example to him and show him how to navigate life. You have been that for him. If you take that away because of a mistake your wife made and a test that shows you how, I would consider it a grave injustice to this child and to you! You need each other and so you deserve each other, in the sense that you love him and he loves you. This precious boy was a gift and a privilege to your life, and you to his. Be grateful that you have each other, and remember that love breaks all written boundaries. Doesn't it sound silly to worry if YOUR son might not be YOURS?? Of course he is. You don't want to miss out on his life. Uncertain Father, be certain that you are every bit a Father as a Father could be.

To "Help a Sister Out", or Not...

2010-07-21T08:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I have worked hard to get where I am today. I have an amazing job that takes me all over the world. I get to meet fascinating people throughout my travels, and I plan to write a book about these adventures. One of my sisters recently contacted me online. I have not talked to her in ages, and she asked me what company I work for. She also wanted to know how I got the job. I’m extremely hesitant to give her this information, because I didn’t have anything handed to me in life. I found my own success. I have shared the spotlight with my siblings my whole life, and this is one thing that I did on my own. How can I politely tell her that it’s confidential information that I don’t want to share?

-My Own Person

Dear My Own Person,

It’s ultimately your prerogative if you don’t want to share. However, don’t you think you would be demonstrating good character and maturity by offering her the information? It's just information. Let’s face it; the company you work for is no secret to most people. It’s interesting that you haven’t talked to your own sister in ages. I’m curious about your family relationships. Depending on your true feelings toward your sister, it sounds like you harbor some serious resentment (correct me if I’m wrong). It sounds like you have let it consume you to the point where you don’t even want to “help a sister out”. You feel threatened by the idea that she might have a chance at doing what you have done. Your pride is getting in the way here (to say the least). I think it’s helpful to understand the long term effects of sibling rivalry here, and how it can still be alive and well in adulthood. I appreciate your desire to establish yourself apart from your family. Everyone is striving for individuality in one way or another. Many people establish themselves through their choice of spouse or career, but alot of family members share the same talents and interests. It sounds like your job is your rock. Through hard work you have come to find this unique life path, and no one can take that away from you. Your sister is asking for basic information. There’s nothing unreasonable about that. It was humble of her to come to you in the first place. Asking someone that kind of question is not always easy. Then there’s the possibility that maybe she just genuinely wants to know out of curiosity. You don’t know what her intentions are. Perhaps she wants to refer someone else there. Giving her this basic information doesn’t impose on your character, life style, or anything about you. No one can take away who you are or what you have done. My guess is that your family has some issues, which you have not dealt with yet. You don’t seem concerned about your reputation in your family, which explains why you don’t care to help. I would be insulted if someone in my family didn’t care enough to help me in times of need. Then again, I keep in touch with my family regularly. If they didn’t want to answer simple questions like these, I would think they were selfish and immature. You feel that your sister doesn’t deserve to be given a chance at the kind of happiness you have found. This is a judgment on your behalf, in which you feel entitled to have obtained this job, above her. You have concluded that by telling her who you work for, you would be handing life to her. However, that is not the reality because (like you admitted) you had to work hard to get there. Let’s look at the worst possible thing that could happen if you were to tell her what she wants to know... Let’s say you told her who you work for, and maybe even who to contact for a job there. Let’s say she then took that information and materialized her ambition into an actual job with them. Now she does what you do, and you no longer feel special. However, the reality would then still be that you got her the job. If it weren’t for you, she never would have had a chance. Therefore, if you’re looking for something to be prideful about, that’s it right there. If you were to direct her to the appropriate party within the company you work for, she would still have to prove herself and get the job. Maybe in the pit of your fear about giving her the “precious” information, you are afraid that she will somehow take away what you have done. What you could do, is contact your company and inform them of your sister’s interest in working there. DO this after she has actually expressed interest in working there (because she hasn't). You could tell them that you have no idea how she operates in the professional world, but that you wanted to help her by at least pointing her in the right direction. That makes you look good to your company. Who knows; maybe you could obtain a promotion of some sort. I don’t think you have to worry about it. Be a dear and tell your sister who you work for, because that’s only half the battle. After that, she has to actually get the job. I’d say that the chances of her getting hired there (in this economy) are not so good. I think you will regret it in the future when you look back one day and realize how selfish you were being. It feels good to help other people. I think you should work on building the relationships in your family to be stronger and healthier. If the relationships are too damaged to function, then that’s a much deeper issue and perhaps you need to cut them out entirely. Though it sounds like you sort of do. Family dysfunction is sometimes better off left behind, but answering her question could only make you look good.

A lot of people identify themselves by what they do. Distinguishing our sense of self in the world can be difficult when coming from a big family. I know very few families who don’t have issues. Everyone does. It’s part of being alive. Only through compromise can we learn to work together. Otherwise, we may become like a selfish little island of wants and needs.

Old Friends Who Still Party

2010-07-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,

When I was younger, I partied a lot. I used to drink and experiment with drugs, but I wouldn’t say I was an addict or anything. Let’s just say I knew how to have a good time. Now I’m much more responsible. I graduated from Law School and am currently living with my fiancé. I have a friend from High School whom I used to get into a lot of trouble with. He lives far away so we don’t see each other much, but we talk from time to time. I want to go back to visit him and my hometown, but the problem is that he hasn’t changed a bit. He’s still into parties, drugs, and sleeping around. How can I remain friends with him without falling back into old habits?

-Former Wild Child

Dear Former Wild Child,

All hail the glory days of old. Your partner in crime wants to remain partners, whereas you have chosen to sever the old business merger. I get the impression that “he hasn’t changed a bit” was meant in a bad way. The fact is that you don’t have a problem with addiction, but perhaps this friend of yours does. Is it necessary for you to be friends as adults? People change, and go their separate ways. I can appreciate wanting to reconnect with old buddies. Perhaps you consider him like family? If so, there are all kinds of personality types within any given family. You may have different goals and values. Just because we are different doesn’t mean we can’t get along and have a good time together. Basically what you’ve told me is that while you evolved and developed into a functional and stable adult, your friend has not. Some people unfortunately never grow up. It doesn’t mean he can’t have a special place in your heart or that you can never see him again. It doesn't sound like this could be much of an issue since you live seperate lives so far away. When his habits become dysfunctional or abusive to your friendship, then it’s a problem. Until then, what he does with his life is his choice. Just be yourself and don’t make it an issue (unless he does). It’s fun to revisit the people and places we knew when life was simple. If you are still able to hang out and understand each other despite your obvious differences, then that’s great. Sometimes friendships are frozen in time. Perhaps when you are together again, you revert to the age when you were the best of friends. It’s natural for people to regress when in the company of childhood associations. Memories come flooding in and reminding us of how we used to feel. For example, whenever my husband hangs out with his siblings, he behaves younger (if you know what I mean). Ha ha, sorry honey! Their bond as children was strong so as adults, they mentally go back to that time when they're together. Keep in mind that this is a universal dilemma for people. It’s only a problem when the components that once bonded you together no longer exist. If you know that hanging out with this guy will mean free party favors, then have your wits about you. People who do drugs are hard to be friends with (if you don’t do drugs), because they usually expect you to join in. They have this attitude like it's part of the friendship deal. Those are the people with substance abuse problems. They will actually get offended if you don’t par take. Hopefully this does not describe your friend. You can choose to not hang out with him in settings where he feels comfortable making you an “offer”. If he says something like “come hang out with me, I will supply the goodies” then it’s time he got to know the adult you. If this guy is really a friend, then simply decline when he does offer you something. You can simply say “I’m getting too old for that stuff“, or “my fiancé will kill me” in a light manner and laugh it off. Don’t make it an issue, just be cool and let it go. Hopefully he will drop it. Having a drink is a reasonable way for friends to catch up. Blowing 4 lines of cocaine and downing 4 tequila shots is not. Your inner child connects with him, but your adult sense doesn’t. If he pressures you, then it’s time to reevaluate this friendship. As a mature and grounded person, you may find it awkward to return to him and deal with his immaturity. After all, that is what it is. Let’s call a spade a spade here. We all grow up. It’s not a choice, it’s part of the living process. Given the extent of your history and your honesty to assess whether your drug use was problematic or not, this is a classic case of sobriety versus non sobriety. Some people in your situation might feel the pressure to stay cool in the eyes of this old friend. Let’s face it; you wouldn’t have been a partier if you didn’t think parties (and what they entailed) were cool. Maybe that lives deep down inside you somewhere, but you have changed. You are entitled to grow and develop. Look at what you have done with your life. You have managed to go to college, attain a degree, build and keep a relationship, and land a job. Well done! Your friend has not done so well. Maybe he wants your help or maybe he doesn’t, but you should be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished. Even if somewhere in your mind you still seek the approval of this guy, hold your head high because you succeeded to concur what has brought many people down. There’s absolutely nothing for you to be ashamed of. Be proud that you pulled it together, and sorry that he has not. People with addictions to boozing or drugs, often go through detox and rehab in order to take control of their lives, and still come out on the other end troubled. How bad is your friend? Has he been to rehab? Does he need to go? Are you able to hang out with him without being tempted to do something foolish? Or does hanging out with him mean that you will allow yourself to have a little fun for old time sake? You could mentally set some personal boundaries with yourself and him. Only meet up with him in public places. You can show him that you are an adult now with real responsibilities, but you still like to have a good time. Invite him out to eat or something innocent like that. Play it safe. Get a drink at a bar or something. If he doesn’t want the party to end there, just stay firm on your limits, and politely tell him you can’t because you have plans to “(insert hypothetical plans)”. If he is a real friend, he will respect you. I don’t think it will take him long to realize how far you have come. He will see that you are stable, and plan to stay that way, but that your inner child was fun and wild. Hold your ground and remember that your life is your choice. He could learn a thing or two from you. Maybe you will rub off on him, but most likely he is who he is going to be by now. Don’t be ashamed of your evolution. “Growing up” is tough and sometimes means we lose people along the way. The friendship will always be alive in your memories, and no one can take away the time you had together. You chose to walk away from that life style for very valuable and good reasons.

Some people, who experiment with or engage in mischievous/rebellious conduct as adolescents, still manage to become functional and healthy adults. On the contrary, most people lack the willpower to control the impulse to escape life’s difficulties (via getting drunk or high), after abusing it too many times. A lot of people think they are in control; meanwhile their life has spiraled in the opposite direction. Young people are excited by risk, so they enjoy the challenge. The euphoria people feel when they’re high, is addicting like a video game; it’s not real. It’s not hard to become warped or delusional this way. Addicts condition themselves to seek constant stimulation. Once people have given themselves the freedom to do this, it’s very hard to resist it as they get older and life gets more complicated. They lose sight of reality, which is that they’re not doing anything productive. They become dysfunctional and sometimes dangerous to others. Boozing, pill popping, “snow” blowing, shooting up, and all the little innovative ways people find to get high these days, just deprive people of the chance to build tools to cope with life’s burdens in a healthy way. These methods are not empowering, to say the least. The impulse to escape then turns into substance abuse, and ultimately a lifelong addiction problem. It’s an ugly cycle that never ends for many people. Therefore, experimenting with drugs or binge drinking is a risky and dangerous game to play in youth, because it can lead to dark places. If you have the strength to know your limits, stop when it’s time and turn your life around, then good for you. I would think that in this heavily media influenced world we live in, people would be turned off by things that break down your body and age you faster. However, young people don’t always see the long term effects and tend to think they are invincible. They are the ones who grow up to have many regrets. They become very unhappy when the years catch up with them later. The new movie “Inception” features this very subject. In Inception, the characters battle in a realm of what is real and what is not. It's not a happy ending for everyone.

A Chatty Cathy

2010-07-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,

I have a relative who is a serious talker. As soon as I answer her call, she proceeds to blab for 15-20 minutes without interruption. I can’t get a word in! I usually just put the phone on speaker and let her rant until it’s over. I like her because she can be very supportive and helpful, but she never stops talking! She talks about her issues and every detail of her day over and over again. She’s like this with everyone, but nobody has the heart to tell her because they pity her. She has issues. I think it’s selfish the way she doesn’t shut up, but I too feel compassion for her being alone at an age when most people are married with children. Lately I have been avoiding her because I just can’t take the chatter any more. It’s irritating and I have been listening to it for so long. How can I make her stop?

-Chatty Cathy’s Cousin

Dear Chatty Cathy’s Cousin,

From the (non-stop) sounds of it, this is d@mn n"ear" abuse. It literally sounds like your Chatty Cathy needs a lesson in the fundamentals of CONVERSATION. Conversing is a give and take form of communication. Your frustration with her is totally understandable. You must have learned that any efforts to interrupt her are useless, as she has borrowed your ear far too much. She is not having a conversation with you, but instead is giving you the privilege of listening to her talk to herself out loud. Lucky you! You must be a professional listener by now. There are many helpful tools that abundant talkers may use to communicate in a more socially graceful manner. Someone who is told they talk too much should ask themselves if it’s worth it to rant and rave, at the risk of pissing off their listener. People, who have friends (and keep them), remain aware of their social effect on others. They respect the nonverbal messages that others give them. For example, if someone sighs, yawns, or looks tired and unengaged, it’s a sign that they are no longer interested in listening for whatever reason. If someone looks away or responds with a distracted “uh huh” while you are talking to them, that would be another sign. It would then behoove you to acknowledge your listener’s non verbal messages, and respect them for future conversation. Look, everyone wants to be heard and feel respected, but having a conversation is a mutual respect of give and take. We all have things to say, but we need to share the spotlight when it comes to talking. It should never just be about us. In a conversation, we talk, listen, get feedback and give feedback. It sounds like your cousin is very lonely and missing some key elements in her life. She may have gotten comfortable clinging to you, because you have allowed her to babble on and on each time she calls. You are her rock at the moment. Your patient listening has given her the message that it’s ok to “blah blah blah”, so she will not change as long as you don’t speak up. Selfish people tend to think that if they talk enough, others will give them what they want; be it more attention, understanding etc. However, the irony is that you actually get more from being a good listener too. Chatty Cathy is a needy and relentless type when it comes to borrowing other people’s ears and time. She’s unaware of how ridiculous it is to chatter incessantly, without giving people the chance to respond or interject their thoughts and opinions. Perhaps she goes about her day in a quiet manner and then makes it a habit to vent on you. Or maybe she divulges her detailed life to everyone she comes in contact with. Some Chatty Cathys will sit down at a restaurant and within minutes, their waiter has heard their life story. My guess is that C.C. would benefit greatly from therapy. A therapist is a trained professional with years of experience and education in how to handle people’s issues. She sounds like she needs somewhere to put all of that. It’s unfortunate that she is alone, but a lot of people are. If she’s having a tough time dealing with it, I think a therapist would help direct her to reaching more productive life goals and dreams. Don’t take her calls all the time and when you do, explain that you have things to do and can’t talk long. Put boundaries on the conversation and when she starts to ramble, interrupt her and explain that you don’t have much time to talk. She will get the message. If you are willing to be blunt with her and care about her mental health, then explain to her in a heart to heart that you love her and want her to be happy, but that sometimes she tends to ramble for too long. Tell her that you recommend she talk to a professional because you are a fan of mental health professionals and feel she would benefit. Tell her proactive and empowering pros to seeking this kind of help, and ultimately helping herself. Approach the issue with sensitivity, but do approach it because otherwise, you will be going in circles on Chatty Cathy’s merry-go-round.

Mooching Friend

2010-07-15T09:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My friend lost her job about 6 months ago and has been sleeping on my couch ever since. Around the same time, her boyfriend broke up with her so she is really depressed. She hasn't found a job yet, and doesn't pay me rent. I am basically supporting her right now out of pity. When I suggest that she work at a restaurant that's hiring wait staff, she says she will be miserable working that kind of job and refuses to apply. Meanwhile, I am stuck with the burden of paying for her food and life! How can I motivate my friend to get off the couch and stop being so depressed!?

-The Crutch

Dear The Crutch,
There’s asking for help, and then there’s mooching. When someone on the receiving end stops giving back over a period of time, they are classified as a “mooch”. Mooch, mooch, mooch! Your charitable efforts to help your friend have been very kind and good hearted, however this may go on for an undetermined or even infinite amount of time. In the ambitious process of putting someone's life back together, we can only do so much. At some point the people we are trying to help, have to help themselves. Your friend has exceeded that point. They say a friend who keeps pushing the limits, is not really a friend at all. People who will continue to excuse this behavior are typically self centered and selfish. You say she has been staying there for 6 months? That is MORE than a sufficient amount of time for her to mourn the loss of a job and boyfriend. It’s time to draw the line sister. You have made it easy for her to get comfortable despite her misfortune that would land some people on the street. She is very lucky to have a friend like you who has been there for her, but you don't want your efforts to save her to land you in the poor house too. It's like when a ship is sinking; you have to put your life jacket on before you try to save others, or else the ship will drag you down with it! Your friend's current life misfortunes are dragging you down with her. It's time for her to buck up and assume responsibility over her life. Desperate times call for desperate measures. A lot of people have been forced to take unlikely jobs in this time of recession. I know a lady who was the Vice President of a major Corporation, whom is now working at a coffee shop until tough times blow over. This is just the reality of many people right now in our economy. Thanks to your kindness, your friend has been given the opportunity to "ride out the storm" in ways that most people would not. Hopefully she is grateful and appreciative of what you have done for her, but it doesn’t sound like it. You have provided for her in her time of need. As adults, we learn to adapt to situations and make the most of what life hands to us. It's time to sit down with your friend, and show her some tough love. If you don’t assert her on this, it will not change. As difficult as it is to do, you must be brutally honest with her because that is the only way she will be motivated to take action. Right now she feels there are no repercussions for her non-actions of laziness. It's easy to dwell or sulk in sorrow when life has gotten hard. When it rains it pours but it's not your job to hold someone's entire world up. A friendship is a give and take, and although she may be a long time friend going through hard times, she has to do her part. If she is unwilling, then you may discover that she is no longer a friend. You may need a support system around you to have an intervention with her. Talk to her calmly and explain the reality which is that you and she cannot go on like this. Tell her that you are suffering financially and that you have cared about her wellbeing and happiness, but she has to get a job now and somewhere to live. This was a temporary situation that has turned into a permanent one. Give her a deadline, or else she will get comfortable talking about it for several more months. Tell her that you have provided a roof, food, and a bed for her for the past 6 months. Explain that you work very hard to make money to support your lifestyle and that you can't afford to support someone else. This is not an unreasonable argument and if she doesn't understand, then that's too bad. She needs to take responsibility. She must show her strength of character now by getting her life together. You have given her all the resources, it's up to her to now to be an adult and face life. We all know the adjustment phase into assuming adult position is tough, but we all do it. Your pocket doesn't need to suffer as though it’s providing for kids you don't even have. Don’t you deserve better than this? Have a heart to heart, and be honest about how all of this makes you feel. You can't go wrong if you stick to the facts. Besides, what will she do if one of your relatives wants to visit? Where would they stay? Maybe you should have someone come to stay with you just to get her out of there. Hopefully she won’t be impossible! You need to burn that candle beneath her. She is not doing her part right now in the friendship, nor in life, and your couch will not be available for her to sleep on forever. She has become dysfunctional. We can’t control the elements around us, but we can control how we respond to them. It's beyond your capabilities to handle all of her issues. As for her depression, she will need professional help for her mental wellness. If one thing is for sure, a healthy diet paired with regular exercise is known to snap some people into a good mood. When she starts to take control over her life and display initiative, she will feel more confident and functional. Until that happens, she will remain a mess. It is NOT YOUR JOB to fix her. Got it? You are neither her life coach nor personal assistant. You are her friend, and she needs to return the favor and be your friend too, and stop leaning on you and crutching on you so much. Tell her firmly that SHE HAS TO GO by X date. PERIOD. Give her about a month or so to find a living situation (which may include a roommate), and a job. Give her a chance to change but you WILL NOT go on like this.

Rude Parents

2010-07-14T07:17:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I don’t have any children, but my fiancé and I plan to one day. What bothers me is a rude mom. Yesterday we were in an ice cream parlor, and a woman came in with her daughter and husband. Her daughter appeared to be around age 6 or so. They were a young and well dressed family, but they got on our sh*t list really quick. When the little girl ran up to the counter and cut in front of several people, her mother did not correct her. In fact, she praised her and acted as though she was more important than everyone else. Now their whole family had cut the line too, and was standing directly behind us. Then, clearly seeing that we had not yet ordered, the mom proceeded to order from behind us, as though we weren’t even there! Isn’t that annoying?! What should I have done?

-Not a Mom

Dear Not a Mom,
Yes, that is annoying. It is also rude, selfish, obnoxious, and poor mannered. I’m giddy that you have written to me to validate your irritation, which is so completely and undeniably legitimate. I wish you had called her out. I understand your apprehension, but you could have politely said “excuse me, we were in front of you and you’ll have to wait your turn”. That would be completely acceptable of you to say, even in front of a child. The parenting skills you witnessed are an exact example of what you should strive NOT to be, when you someday take on the great challenge of parenting. She should have showed her daughter how to respect others, but instead she set a bad example. What happened to teaching our children the message that everyone in the world matters? It’s such a tacky (and ugly) trait when a mother only shows concern for her own child’s comfort and well being, and disregards everyone else. The mother you witnessed sounds like she has a superiority complex. I love how she enforced her little brat’s behavior by continued to rudely ignore the fact that there was a line of equally valuable people who were there before her. These are the moms who are so stuck in their own little world of parenting that nobody else matters outside of their family circle. They walk around with the attitude that “I only care about the people I am related to and whom I bore”. They seem to view all other people as a distraction or interruption to their daily life. They make every exception in the world for their child’s bad behavior, and are very demanding on other people. Everyone is aware of their rudeness and lack of regard. However they use it to their advantage that no one wants to cause a scene or call them out in front of their child. This is how they get away with it. They pass on their superior mentality to their children. Then they condone their child’s poor manners by feeding into their every whim; permitting them to behave badly without explanation. They are teaching their children the wrong messages. Nothing spells S-P-O-I-L-E-D like a daunting Mother or Father who only has eyes for their own offspring. There’s loving, there’s doting, and then there’s just plain spoiling. I mean really, how selfish can some parents be? To answer that question, the sky is the limit. I have seen parents be so completely self centered and unaware of themselves that it’s despicable. Doting parents need to ask themselves: is your child really the only person who matters on the planet? If you have answered; “Well they must be, since they came from me”, then you are in desperate need of an attitude adjustment. In other words, get over yourself. Parents like this are on my “sh*t list” too. Self centered parents assume they are entitled to take precedence over everyone else. They seem to think that no one else in the world could possibly be as valuable as they are. Due to the fact that you are aware of yourself, your surroundings, and the feelings of others, you will not be a Mom like this. Be thankful that you have such lovely traits to be able to call this crappy attitude out, and next time speak up. Even if you don’t get the response you were hoping for, you will feel better. Someone needs to set an example to the younger generations of how to be respectful in public. We learn from women like this, not to repeat their mistakes. I’d say assess the situation next time this happens, but be prepared (and be proud) to assert yourself and correct a rude parent in public. You can be the bigger person by politely showing them that this behavior is not publically acceptable and won’t be tolerated (at least in your presence). Remember, a passive attitude sends the message that the behavior is acceptable. The only way to correct it is to say something. Some parents are no better or more mature than their children.

A Girlfriend's Insecurities

2010-07-13T11:00:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My girlfriend is so insecure it's driving me crazy. When we first started dating, I was still hanging out with my ex girlfriend. When she found out, she demanded that I stop talking to her. Now I no longer speak to my ex, but my girlfriend can't let it go. I love her and we have been together for 1 and 1/2 years, but she's always jealous of any female who interacts with me. I just can't deal with her when she gets like that. I am a nice guy, and I don't deserve this jealousy.

-Nice Guy

Dear Nice Guy,
I believe what you say is true; your girlfriend cannot let go of what happened. On the other hand, you displayed a behavior early on which gave her cause for concern. Since it was the beginning of your relationship when the foundation of trust is built, your relationship has sort of progressed prematurely. It's like entering into a dark room without a flashlight. You're going to bump into things for a while until your eyes adjust, as opposed to seeing clearly from the point of entry. A relationship needs a solid foundation in order to evolve in a healthy and productive way. Some people don't realize how the beginning sets a tone for the course of trust. While it is true that the beginning of the process is about growing together, learning to understand each other and getting to know each other, it is also an imperative time to the evolution of you as a couple. You showed your girlfriend that you are capable of being involved with (or maybe even having feelings for) more than one girl at a time. That would make me nervous about my relationship too. it sounds like her worrying has escalated into paranoia. I don't know the extent of what the terms for "hanging out" mean to you (in regards to your ex), but it's definately playing with fire to keep old lovers around. That being said, I feel your girlfriends feelings are valid, but that it has created a dysfuction between the two of you. It's time to step back. Successful relationships involve meeting each others needs. She does need to forgive you for the past, but you also need to show her that you are truly sorry and ready to move forward with her. Perhaps you are not giving her enough to hold onto. Some women are very naturally emotionally needy, but sometimes there's a good reason for why they are not feeling fulfilled. When someone we are dating doesn't give us anything to hold onto, it's easy to let go or remain suspicious about their intentions. It also doesn't help that you hid hanging out with your ex from her, and thus she discovered it on her own. This unpleasant surprise can make or break you. She chose to keep you around (obviously), but maybe she was never really certain of what you are capable of? Relationships are challenging enough without trust foundation issues getting in the way. Sometimes we stay in a relationship after it has been damaged, like swallowing a pill without being sure of how it will effect us. I'm not sure you two are a good fit if you aren't willing to take responsibility for having fed into her insecurities. An apology is appreciated and effective, but you have to understand that these are the repurcussions for your actions. Your relationship slate is not entirely clean. Perhaps you need to start over, take a step back, and get to knnow each other all over again. You say you are a nice guy, which may be true, but you have to understand trust; how it is built, how it develops, and how it crumbles. You are both standing on an unsolid foundation right now. If you are basing your relationship on the will power of emotional whims, that is not going to withstand the test of time. A long term, mature, life time companionship consists of solid foundations, mutual respect and understanding. People grow and mature over time, but a lot of relationships become too damaged to function after they are dragged through the process of trial and err. You made a mistake, she needs to forgive you, but you both need to work on the trust here, especially you (whom is responsible). Words sound great, but you have to SHOW her that you are serious about her. The fact that you are writing to me, means that you care and want to work on this. That is great! I think her personality responds this way to that kind of behavior. It is a result of your previous actions. Your relationship is still very young and new despite what you may think. It's hard for people to understand each other sometimes, but really try to put yourself in her shoes. If you can't fathom why she might worry about your intentions with other women after what transpired, then perhaps you both have more growing to do. Let's just hope you don't become too hurt by each other to carry on by the time you reach a higher level of emotional maturity. That would be the goal.

Ridiculous Baby Names

2010-07-12T08:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My husband’s family has been known for ridiculous baby names. His sister’s names are Rain and Venus, and their children are named Victory and Lotus. You don’t even want to know what my boyfriend’s name is! Despite their hippy names, these people are not as weird as they sound. My issue is that I’m pregnant with our first child. They are already suggesting silly names like Zolt or Helmut for a guy, and Ocean Blue or Prairie Flower for a girl. How can I protect my child’s identity from becoming another weirdo name in the family?

-Properly Named

Dear Properly Named,
Talk about offbeat. On that note, why don’t we just name our children after the My Little Ponies? Those names are almost as bad as celebrity kids “Moon Unit”, “Pilot Inspektor”, and “Audio Science”. Some people never shed their childhood fantasies and carry these name preferences over into adulthood. In our nation boasting of “liberty and freedom”, it is your right as a parent to name your child anything you want. You could essentially name your child Boob and that would be legal. Thus a baby is at the mercy of parental sanity and rationale. Granted that the support systems remains intact, children are likely to be influenced by their parents and adopt similar personality traits. This explains your husbands family. A supportive family may pass down generations of quirky names for years and years to come. Eccentric names add spice to a common list, but beyond what looks good (to some) on paper, they can just sound loony in the world of David, John, Michael, Jennifer, Sarah, Samantha, and Ashley. People often hope that if they name their kid something really unusual, they will turn out to be an equally unique individual. There may be some truth behind this theory in the journey of establishing one’s identity, but in many cases the child undergoes traumatizing teasing amongst peers. With the ambition that a child will become a world renowned artist of sorts, the chance that a girl named “Camera” will follow a career into law or real estate also exists. Then again, how many attorneys do you know who bear names like “Poppyseed”, “Heaven”, or “Rocket”? I’m pretty sure Dr. Bubbles McHenry PhD could only exist in a fictional children’s book. Thus, the name game is an extension of our parent’s reality and sometimes even their personal fantasy. People will live vicariously through their children, or name them accordingly to their long lost dream of becoming a celebrity. They think; “if I were famous, I would change my name to “Velvet ”. They think that they are doing their child a favor by naming them that, but their child could become someone totally different from them and resent their name. It's true that some parents are thinking of themselves when they name their babies. Meanwhile, some of us want our children to establish their own identities without imposing on their journey by giving them a wacky title (that sounds cool at the moment). It's hard to fit in when your name is "Lightening", but then again, the strength of a person's character is measured by how well we adapt to life experiences. Maybe Lightening will become as strong as a lightening bolt by rising above the name calling? It’s human nature to nurture oneself and find value in your name regardless of others take on it. Different strokes for different folks. Your child's name is your call as the Mother, and you will have the final say (with your husband's approval). They can name their children anything they want, but YOU have all the right in the world to name YOUR child whatever YOU want. Your husband and you should decide together on a name, and compromise. If he only likes these kinds of names, then suggest some names that have a quirky flare without being so far-fetched. Maybe you can compromise on a more main stream first name and a quirky middle name. This way you give the child the freedom to go by their first or middle name depending on their personality. Ultimately, it’s your decision. Let his family make all the suggestions they want, and simply smile and nod. If they push you to pick a name, simply firmly tell them “WE haven’t decided yet.” When it comes time to have the baby, you will decide on your own and present it to them after its official and they have no say in the matter. Don’t sweat their silly suggestions, and proudly stand your ground on your own suggestions. You are allowed to have your own taste apart from them. You are in their family, but you were an individual before you knew them and you are entitled to have differences. You can respectfully agree to disagree. Marriage is a partnership and so is everything that comes with it. It’s not their place to decide what your child’s name will be. That’s between you and your husband, of which you must come to a shared agreement.

Nudist Mom

2010-07-09T06:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
When I was a kid, my mother taught us to be comfortable with our bodies. We often saw her naked as she would change with the door open or go to the bathroom in front of us. Nobody made a big deal out of it then, but as I got older I realized that it was not common in other households. That’s when I started to voice my discomfort. Yet still my Mother would continue to "forget" to wear underwear or sleep naked with the door open. Now I am married and when my Mother comes to visit, she is still very carefree with her body. To this day she walks around naked, goes to the bathroom with the door open, and doesn’t wear underwear. It’s embarrassing and upsets me because I have asked her to cover up and do these things behind closed doors. She insists that it’s normal in other countries, that she likes to be naked, and that I shouldn’t make it an issue. I want her to cover up because I don’t want my husband to walk in and find her in the buff. It would be humiliating. Please help me with this.

-Indecent Exposure

Dear Indecent Exposure,
You should send your mother a brochure to a nudist colony since she would fit right in. Your discomfort seeing your Mother naked seems natural to me. When you were kids, it was OK because children are attached to their Mother’s hip. It would be virtually impossible for an infant or child to not see their Mother naked at one point or another. A lot of moms will be naked in front of their babies and children. It’s not anything sexual or weird, Mothers are just too busy raising a family to care. Being a mom is a selfless position. You give your life to your child, so covering up is not always a priority. It sounds like your mother got comfortable in her Birthday suit, and simply never wanted to take it off. Perhaps there comes a time when modesty is a necessary lesson to teach to a growing and developing child. Certainly as adults, it’s proper to cover up our bodily “private parts”. The age when a child is beginning to explore their sexuality, is an exceptionally good cut off point. Have you told your husband about your Mother’s habits? Explain to him what she does and how it bothers you. This will let him know where you stand, and give him fair warning for her future nudist escapades (which he may find amusing). Despite your Mother’s comfort being naked, not everyone feels the way she does and she should respect people's boundaries. Has she noticed when she’s out on the street that everyone is clothed? There’s a reason for that. Your home is not a nudist zone, and you simply don’t welcome that behavior. It’s not too much to ask that she refrain from nudity in front of you. You don’t have to be rude as; “I don’t want to see that!” Just tell your mother that if she cannot respect your wishes for modesty as an adult in your home, then she can’t come over. She is free to do as she pleases in her own home, but you are not comfortable with it in yours. Despite what she may consider commonplace in other countries, here in America it is not normal for two adults (who aren’t romantically involved) to expose themselves in front of each other. Sometimes my friends and I change in front of each other, but even that is done with respectful conscious awareness of nudist opinions. Although there may be more nudist resorts in other countries, nudity is pretty much viewed the same on a world-wide scale. Some people are liberal and want to exercise their freedom, but most people agree that this kind of nudity is inappropriate, including the law. Therefore if your Mother can’t cover up out of respect for your boundaries, then she must do it out of respect for the boundaries of the law since. The fact that it’s illegal to be naked in public areas and will result in arrest, helps your case. Chances are that your Mother is completely aware of all of this, but simply wants it to be acceptable in her inner circle and family. You have every right to want your Mother to be respectful of you if this makes you uncomfortable. Just like she has her reasons for wanting to be naked, you have your reasons for wanting to be clothed. If she can find no basis for understanding the philosophy behind why people cover themselves up, then simply demand that she respect your personal feelings on the matter. Maybe one day when you are a mother, you will better understand how she got to that point. Then again, perhaps her parents were the same way and passed this trait down to her. Some people are just very natural and would prefer to live in a community where others accept their carefree comfort zones. However, in modern society, we wear clothes. Some say this is a case of “to each his own”, but I do think it’s a sensitive subject. Some people feel shocked or traumatized by seeing others naked, let alone their parents. Society has been conditioned to think about nudity in a certain way. The bottom line is that you feel this habit is improper and humiliating, and you don’t appreciate her lack of regard to your feelings. Your feelings should be respected, so go put the smack down on indecent exposure in your house.
P.S.
Maybe you can make a sign for your door that says “Clothing Required for Entry”, or “No Clothes, No Entry”. Ha ha!

Copy Cat Friend

2010-07-08T10:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,

I have a friend whom I have spent a lot of time with. She has always been a little on the clingy side. We often go shopping together and she will buy the same thing as me. I recently had a major makeover. I cut and colored my hair drastically. Only a week later, my friend surprised me by getting the same exact hair style. Now I am avoiding her because I find it creepy. I feel like she wants to be me. Am I overreacting? Or is this legitimately weird?

-An INDIVIDUAL

Dear Individual,

Sounds like a case of the copy cat friend. You must have great taste! Your friend admires you greatly, which is a compliment. However it’s also possible that your friend idolizes you, which is flattering, but some people would find it hard to level with someone who places them on a pedestal. Just like celebrities don’t typically befriend their fans on a personal level, you may naturally feel uncomfortable and annoyed with her monkey-see monkey-do antics. This is not abnormal behavior between friends. There are many reasons as to why someone might be prone to mimicking a friend’s every move. Perhaps she is just very needy and still trying to find herself, trying on your exciting looks in the process. It’s like when little girls try on their mother’s shoes. Perhaps she is easily influenced and is identifying herself with you? Perhaps she imitates you so that she can learn how to be like you? She probably looks up to you. Then again, maybe she feels she has to compete with you, and so she tries to one up your style by doing it too? Or maybe she genuinely loves your style and can’t help herself from following suite, trusting that you will understand? Then there’s the possibility that you are just a very inspirational and creative person to others? People respond differently to being idolized. Some people live for being worshiped and take it as an opportunity to style or shape those around them. Some people love the limelight and being highly influential, while others are more put off by so much attention and want nothing to do with it. I’d say that for your personality type, this friendship is no longer working for you since you want to sever your ties over it. I would take that as a sign that you are not as close as maybe you once were. If there are other things that bother you about her, then perhaps her copy cat attitude is the last straw. Just remember that if you decide to let her go, she will probably be hurt since she is so attached to you. If you find one day that you regret your decision to cut her out entirely and want to reconnect, you may not be welcomed with open arms. Be prepared for whatever she may have waiting for you if you do try to return to this friendship. People go through phases and transitions and sometimes a friendship that once served a great purpose, becomes stale or no longer productive. I’d say f you’re going to be done with her, then look at it as a life pivotal moment and walk away without looking back. Friends come into our lives for different durations. Some serve a life-long purpose, while others are more situational. There are plenty of ways you can become "busy". People change.
P.S.
If you want to conduct a little experiment for your own entertainment to see how far she is willing to go, then maybe you could try something even more outrageous. See if she still mimics you when you dye your hair bright pink (the cheap color that washes right out). If you have gone as far as shaving your head and she's still copying you, then I give up! At that point you will know that you have a 100% pure unadulterated wannabe clone on your hands, and I would sleep with one eye open!

Clingy Neighbor Wont Go Away

2010-07-02T09:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend and I were taking a trip and needed someone to watch our dog while we were away. I met one of our neighbors in the hall and she agreed to do it for some pay. Since we’ve been back, this neighbor seems to have become my voluntary new best friend. She texts me all day long and if I don’t respond, she just comes right over! It’s so annoying. I feel like I have no privacy in my own home from this girl. I left a note on my door for my boyfriend the other day, and I spied her reading it! She is so nosy! I try to be polite when I see her but she takes it as an invitation to hang out. I don’t know what to do. I can’t seem to dodge her. Just because I needed a dog sitter, didn’t mean I was signing up for an instant friend. Make her go away!

-Neighbor in Hiding

Dear Neighbor in Hiding,
Come out, come out, wherever you are?! Good Lord. You seem to have gotten into a sticky wicket here. It seems that someone made themselves quite at home in your place while you were gone. Your neighbor’s neurotic needs are almost amusing. I can just see this as a comedy sketch on SNL; a wacky/clingy neighbor who pops in on every whim. You’re probably kicking yourself right now for having given her the dog sitting responsibility in the first place. Sometimes weirdos are hard to peg at first glance. They come in many forms and disguises. You were probably in a tight bind to find someone for your dog, and she was conveniently available. Well now we know why! She has now attached herself to your hip and is behaving like an extremely needy, psychotic girlfriend. Let’s just hope she didn’t make a copy of your apartment key! Not to mention, who knows what she did in there while you were away? Are you missing anything? Don’t be surprised if you catch her wearing your favorite skirt one day. I wouldn't be all that shocked if she openly admitted it too; “Oh, I borrowed your skirt! Do you like it on me!?” Ha! OK, so it was a mistake letting her into your life (even as a dog sitter), but who saw that coming?? How were you supposed to know she would turn out to be a lunatic? It’s always risky business when it comes to trusting someone in your home. Many people are discouraged from hiring a professional pet care companies because of the rates. People commonly find a friend or someone nearby to take care of their apartment, pets or children because it’s just easier.
In a situation where moving seems like the ideal escape from a psycho in the hood’, not everyone has that capability. This is a matter of establishing privacy and boundaries with a practical stranger. If she is so unaware of her behavior and how it affects other people, then it’s likely she’s unaware of a lot of things. She doesn’t sound like the brightest crayon in the box. You can use her loony character to your advantage. If she’s ridiculous enough to behave this way, then you are free to respond in equally ridiculous ways. Don’t answer her calls, texts or even the door when she comes knocking. You are entitled to be busy, on the phone, having quiet time, or simply not available. You didn’t agree to have an open revolving door to your neighbors when you signed the lease. Be straight with her, and even rude. Some people have to be hit over the head with a brick in order to get the message. When you see her, don’t be warm, open, inviting or friendly. Be uncomfortable and cold, because that’s how you really feel. Show her the truth. She will take the hint. You don’t want to be friends. No? You can make that clear with body language and lack of acknowledgment etc. There are ways to let people know that they are annoying you. Your kindness only encourages her to keep pursuing your “friendship” (that she created in her head). Sometimes people just need us more than we need them. It’s neither right nor wrong. Someone else may come along and appreciate her in ways you do not. It's flattering that she took a liking to you but for you personally, she is not a compatible fit as your friend. Don’t be afraid to convey this to her, even if it hurts her feelings. Otherwise, she never will go away just like you fear. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it can also be freeing. Let her down easy by simply avoiding her and if you run into her, don’t stop and chat. Tell her you are a busy person and keep moving. If you have to resort to “DO NOT DISTURB” signs on your door, then she should be adept in reading them (according to her note-reading history). You have to be relentless with people like this. I have talked loudly on the phone behind my door when someone (I didn’t want to see) paid me a surprise visit. They could clearly hear that I was home, but as far as I was concerned, I was busy and that was none of their business. You paid her for watching your dog. You don't owe her anything.
If you want to get a rise out of her, you could leave another note on your door that is addressed to your boyfriend, but is actually a note to her in disguise. When opened, it will say; “if this letter is not addressed to you, then you should not be reading it. That goes for you (insert name). I don’t appreciate nosy neighbors“. You could really mess with her with the door note if you wanted to. However, if you're just trying to get rid of her pesty ways without humiliation tactics, then I would suggest taking the assertive route explained above. You took a quick step forward with her when you gave her the keys to your apartment, but now it’s time to take a huge step back. If you can’t assert yourself, then I don’t know what else to tell you. Toughen your skin and be strong. If you take another trip, you best FIND SOMEONE ELSE to take care of the doggie.

Approaching Someone about their Weight

2010-06-29T08:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I know a lady with a beautiful smile. We are not necessarily friends, but I interact with her on a regular basis. She seems like a lovely person from what I can see, but our conversations only go as far as “hello, how are you?” and “thank you, have a good day”. The thing is that she is extremely obese. I love health and practice yoga regularly. I have always cared about people’s health. When I see this woman, I want her to live a better life. She is such a nice person to be around, but I feel that her weight is stopping her from living the quality life that she could be living. I want to reach out to her, but don’t know how to do it without sounding rude. She is always eating and seems comfortable in her skin. Even if her weight is genetic, I feel that some minor adjustments to her diet and lifestyle could make a world of difference. How can I lend a hand without offending her?

-Practicing Namaste

Dear Practicing Namaste,
It’s incredibly sweet of you to want to help this woman. The problem is that you know nothing about her. You also don’t really know each other. You don’t want to come across as a volunteer coach to someone who didn't ask for advice and doesn’t want any. That would be a quick and easy way to get on their bad side. Do you just want to help this woman lose weight? Or do you want to be her friend? Hopefully you want to be her friend, because that would mean you really care. Otherwise, I would say it’s not your place to get involved here. If you’re not really interested in being friends with her, then it’s possible that your concern about her is shallower than you’d like to admit. You can only assume so much by looking at someone on the surface. There could be many complications to their life and all kinds of things that you don’t know about them. It’s no one’s place to decide what’s right for another person, especially a stranger. All you know is what you see here; which is a woman who could afford to lose some weight in your opinion. It would be different if she asked for your assistance. People, who approach strangers with concerns about their weight, just send the message that they are disgusted by looking at them (which is incredibly rude). You also don’t want the ulterior motive for your entire friendship to be about trimming her down to size. If you’re going to help, you first need to establish a level of trust. Remember that friendships, like relationships, are built on mutual respect and trust. There are many ways to help our friends lose weight, without being pushy or oppressive about it. Make her feel comfortable and accepted. In other words: be her friend. A real friend cares deeply. If you become friends, you must give it some time before you approach her weight issue. As her friend, share your passion for health with her. You can do so tactfully by incorporating health topics into your conversation. See how she responds, because she must show interest. If she does show interest, then continue to be supportive and understanding, yet consistently encouraging. Maybe you could playfully invite her to a yoga class, and ensure that every kind (shape and size) of person practices yoga. You could enlighten her by sharing success stories about the many people who have battled weight issues with yoga and other healthy exercise forms. You must express that you care about her as a whole, and not just her weight problem. If you’re lucky, you will be able to level with her in such a way that she becomes inspired to help herself. You may find over time that she shies away from your advances and wants nothing to do with it. Ultimately it’s her choice. You may not be able to get through to this particular woman, but there are a lot of people in the world with similar problems who want help. Some say it’s better to let the problems come to you, than to go after them unwarranted. I appreciate your proactive attitude towards health. You could set a great example to others on a larger scale. You have a passion for helping people, so why not combine that with your passion for health and become a yoga instructor or something? I wish you luck. Maybe once you are certified, you could pay her a visit and invite her to join your class? This field could be a really appropriate life path for you. Let me know what happens!

"She Flirts with my Boyfriend"

2010-06-28T06:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend works with a fun group of people his age. We are often invited to events with them. Everyone gets along well, but one of the girls in the group flirts shamelessly with my boyfriend right in front of me. She has a boyfriend, but he doesn’t seem to mind. When I talk to my boyfriend about it, he says she’s like that with everyone, but I beg to differ. Having hung out with her several times, it’s obvious to me that she is only like this with him. I feel that he encourages her flirting and in fact, they have incredible chemistry! This really bothers me, but he won’t admit it. I don’t trust this girl at all. Do I need to be concerned that they are spending so much time together, even if it’s at work?

-Worried Girlfriend

Dear Worried Girlfriend,
My answer is yes, but don’t blow a gasket just yet because that’s not the actual issue here. When it comes to work environments, playful flirting among colleagues often becomes part of the regime balance. While seemingly harmless advances are reciprocated, their playfulness is playing with fire. Most people flirt at some point or another, whether in front of their mate or not. In mild cases, it simply shows a healthy sexual appetite. However, many affairs are spawned out of the workplace too. The real problem here is that your needs are not being met, and the trust between you two is not solid. You are entitled to not be perfect in either of those categories, because no one is. For the happiness and longevity of your relationship, you need to always be working on areas that you are lacking in. In your situation, you have a need to feel appreciated and special to your boyfriend. Yea? On the contrary, your boyfriend has a need to be himself freely in both work and social atmospheres. If it makes you nervous that he has a charming nature (which will spill over into his workplace), then you need to work on trust with him. Think about what you liked about him when you were first attracted to him. Was it that he was a charmer? This may be part of his personality. The question is if it works for you as a couple. In an ideal situation, the two of you would be able to compromise on needs when they clash. When your needs are not meeting at eye level with his, the result is that you feel hurt. Your boyfriend should try to be sensitive to your needs, while you try to understand his. I’m unable to make a good judgment as to how serious this flirting is (with the information given). Whether or not he is just being himself, or allowing something to go on between himself and his colleague, is unclear. If I were you, I would pay attention to the dialogue being exchanged between him and her. You have the right of way to butt right into their conversation, and put her in her place if needed. Take the assertive route with this girl. Is your boyfriend really crossing the line? Or is it just his response to her? Perhaps he is just being polite? I hope so, for your sake. Is this "chemistry" you talk of, possibly in your head? I'm not saying that you are crazy, I'm just hoping that you have nothing to worry about. Some people will tell you that these are your insecurities or that you are jealous, but it’s not always black and white. Some people's concerns are validated completely. It sounds like you and your boyfriend still need to have some key conversations. These would be the conversations involving intentions and needs. Is he behaving the same way he would, if this flirty girl were you? That would naturally make me feel threatened. You shouldn’t expect your boyfriend to stop being a charming guy, if he has always been one naturally, but you should expect him to honor you. Flirty-pants girl is clearly disrespecting you, but do you really feel that he is? Have you been hurt in past relationships by any chance? That would indicate that most likely you have just learned to keep your eyes open. I would advise you to stay on your toes around this girl. Keep your interaction with her brief and remain politely guarded. Maybe she is threatened by you as a person, and does it intentionally? After attempting to be friends with her and learning that you can’t trust her, she is coming across as one of those girls who gets a rise out of flirting with another woman's man. Some of us do not conduct ourselves in this way because we respect other women. Over time, you may become comfortable with your boyfriend’s social skills, or learn that he responds politely to aggressive advances. Hopefully he is a decent and moral person. It will take time to get to know him better. Perhaps your boyfriend makes this girl feel good about herself, so she uses being around him as an opportunity to hone on her flirting skills? It may have nothing to do with her feelings towards him, but more to do with his personality. An important question to ask is: do other women typically flirt with your boyfriend? That would be a sign that it's him. Perhaps he just has that effect on women naturally? Perhaps he is encouraging her, but not intentionally? She’s most likely just a really selfish person who is accustomed to being the center of attention. Girls like that are a dime a dozen and the men who appreciate them are boneheads. She would rub most women the wrong way. Perhaps your boyfriend is happy at work and not trying to cause problems. I would say to ignore her, but stay abreast on the issue. It will probably fade out, but then again, all women are a threat to women whose men aren't faithful. Chew on that for a while.

Reading His Emails

2010-06-23T22:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 month and a half. When we talk about being serious with each other, he says he's ready for this and not a flirt. Well, I accidentally read his email today and discovered that he initiated several really inappropriate conversations with other girls. I'm so shocked because this is not the guy I know. We have been spending so much time together, and I don't know how he could have room for anyone else, let alone several different girls. His naughty emails have really thrown me off guard, in terms of who he is and who he pretends to be. Is it over?

-Unpleasantly Surprised

Dear Unpleasantly Surprised,
I don't know, is it? Your relationship is over when either you, him, or both of you decide to end it. I'm pretty sure he is happy with things the way they are, so the question is: do you want to end it? If you want to know if your concerns are valid, I will tell you... Guys will talk and talk and talk until there's no tomorrow, proclaiming themselves to be gallant, brave, and trusted companions. They will look us straight in the eye and say they are the man of our dreams. They may verbally charm us into believing they are whoever they say they are, but like DMX says; "talk is cheap". Some men are skilled little actors, who try on different personalities to impress us (or get us where they want us). I think that you almost have to enter into a relationship deaf in the beginning. Pay attention to what he does, and take what he says lightly. When your new guy is busy boasting about how great of a boyfriend he is, just think to yourself "that would be nice..." (if he were these things), but more importantly, he must prove that he is. Do you buy a car just by the salesman's description of it? Or do you test it out to see how it runs first? Welcome to the world of dating. It's an egotistical game to some people, but for others, it's a process of finding someone special to spend their life with. Part of getting to know someone, is synchronizing what they say with what they do. When those two things contradict, you've got a problem on your hands. While your boyfriend maintains that he is "ready for this", what he is showing you is that he is not. In fact, he is still playing around and not serious at all. He's expressing interest in other women which proceeds taking action with them. That's not how someone who is ready for a serious and committed relationship behaves. No?

Sometimes women have a hard time accepting the truth about their guy, even when it's right in front of their face in black and white. They prefer to live in La-La Land because it's easy to stay in denial. When you've been listening to your man talk for so long, you may buy into false perceptions about him. It's success on his part, but brainwashing on yours. It's no easy task weeding out romantic frauds. Your boyfriend may want to be "ready for this and not a flirt", but hasn't achieved that level of emotional sophistication (yet). Maybe he will one day, or maybe he wont. I think that men who talk too much about these sorts of things, are waving a red flag. Someone who is genuine with others, doesn't need to announce their qualities in such a fashion, because they know they are and what they are not. Someone who is real with themselves, is also sure of themselves. They know that over time, people either will or wont see them for what they are. A good, decent guy sees no sense in pretending. You don't want a guy with an "eye on the prize" mentality, who talks himself up as though he's trying to sell you an ideal. You want a guy who focuses on the longevity of companionship, and appreciates how rare it is to find that special someone. Don't be fooled. Men can be just as insecure as women, if not more.

People who like to play games when it comes to questions, are usually playing games in all areas of their life. It's a simple concept. I think straightforward questions are productive. Ask him what his intentions are with you. If he had email dialogue with just one girl, I would say you could work that out. Granted that the flirting was only borderline and that he had a history with that particular person. Guys (and girls) are entitled to some elbow room for old relationships to dwindle out, when they are entering into knew ones. However, since your guy is chatting up several girls at once, all of which are new prospects, then that's entirely different. He is showing signs of being a serial flirt, and that's cause for concern. You don't want to invade your boyfriend's privacy on a regular basis. It can become addictive and set you into a whirlwind of paranoia. If you do read an email or two by accident (or chance), he can't hide behind the privacy invasion defense forever. He must acknowledge how he has disrespected and disgraced you, let alone hurt your feelings and made you question his intentions. You have the right to confront him with disappointing email discoveries. Be clear with him as to what you are OK with and what you are not. Communicate. Apologize for delving into his personal affairs, and explain that you couldn't help yourself because they were suspicious. Leave no room for excuses. Unfortunately, a guy who gets defensive is usually guilty or hiding something. Some guys (especially actors) are just very flirtatious by nature, and the women who date them must be OK with it. If this is a characteristic that doesn't work for you, then you have to move on from him in order to be happy. Can you live with his wandering eye? Does that work for you? Or is he feeding your insecurities by his lack of loyalty? You must ask yourself these honest questions, no matter how hard they are to answer. Life gets so much easier when we keep it real. Let's face it; if you can't take what he says for face value, then you have no trust. Since relationships are built on the foundation of trust, I would say that yours is crumbling. Unless he takes a serious 180 degree turn right away, you may become very unhappy and unfulfilled by him. Your trust in him has been totally shaken. His fault, not yours. Perhaps he intends to protect you from this side of him, but you have a right to know. Who wants to live in someone's lie? Maybe you felt something inside of you die or end when you read those emails, in which your heart is trying to tell you something. Any reasonable person would feel betrayed over this. Is it over? That's your call. Perhaps it's the beginning of the end. Rebuilding trust after this will take a lot of effort on his behalf. I hope he's up for the job.

P.S.
If you decide it's over, don't think you are hopeless. Listen to sad music and purge your sorrow immediately, so that you can be ready to meet someone better. You should never accept anything less than what the last guy gave you. Raise that bar girl, RAISE IT. With this recipe in mind, the next guy will be everything the last one was and much, much more.

Girlfriend Only on Weekends

2010-06-22T08:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My honey is earning his PhD. He is so busy at school that we barely get to spend time together. We have one day a week together, and the rest of the time he is busy. When we are together, everything is dreamy, but as soon as he leaves, I feel lonely and neglected. I won’t hear from him for 5 days at a time. I know his PhD is important, but I have needs when he's not around. I adore him and want to be with him, but its tough waiting for him each week. It will be another year before he completes his PhD. If I say anything, I might push him away even more. Growing up stinks!

-Weekend Girlfriend

Dear Weekend Girlfriend,
There are some key basics to think about here. Earning a PhD is a time consuming task, and that's an understatement. Congrats to your boyfriend for being a dedicated scholar. I think the most important elements in successful relationships, are adaptation, compromise, and communication. It’s a tricky task, though not impossible, and highly rewarding. If your guy is as wonderful as you make him sound, then you must be a good match. However, it is not a good sign if the guy you are dating only contacts you once a week. Men whom you are not romantically involved with, will disclosed to you that if they like a girl, they want to talk to her. It’s possible that you have more free time than he does, but it's also possible that this is the extent of the communication he wants to have with you. If it's hard for you to adapt to his schedule, then this relationship needs some compromise on behalf of both parties. People are entitled to be on different pages in life. The compromise of relationships is about merging lives together and trying to make each other happy. A good relationship should not be one sided. Maybe your relationship needs time. Eventually when you both become more grounded and available to each other, maybe your relationship may go to the next level. Whether or not you deem a year as being worth waiting for in the long term, is up to you. It's not very romantic to wait around for someone all the time. Then again, you might sacrifice him for someone more "perfect", only to possibly be single for another year, just looking for his replacement. By that time, he may be ready for you. I would say to ride this one out a little bit. Accept the goals that he is working towards and be supportive. In the long run, he may become a very successful person. For now, I would say to be patient and try your hardest to make this work. You need to tell him how you feel though, so that he knows. He may have no idea you are feeling this way. Don't ask him to change, but do expect compromise. He should care about your happiness. You want him to know that you miss him when he's not around. He will probably like hearing that. A lot of people break up unnecessarily on the grounds of "bad timing" just because their partner is still in school. They forget that school is temporary. They jump to the conclusion that their partner isn't right for them just because they aren't immediately on the same page. They sometimes miss the point, which is that love progresses and evolves over time with compromise and adaptation. You don't want to jump the gun, because nobody knows what the future holds. Some people insist on breaking up, only to spend the next 3 years of their life in an endless and exhausting love hunt of meaningless dates. Meanwhile, they could have been patient and worked it out with someone who actually was compatible with them, but is now engaged to someone else. Some people are just looking to fill a constant void in any way they can. Are you hoping to get married soon? Hopefully not because with this guy, it sounds like it's a ways away. Relationships are not just about what we want, they are a balance of what we want AND what our partner wants, and helping those needs work together.

If we look at dating over time, you will note how it changes as you age. The more you experiences you have, the more your romantic preferences change. As young ladies, we often have fantasies in our heads of what our perfect mate is like. We have impossibly high standards because of what we see on film and in magazines. The reality is that the majority of Ken dolls that girls drool over on film and television, are gay or tragically corrupt and not suitable, realistic partners whatsoever. We don’t know what’s real any more. We fill out a mental order form for a perfect Romeo and only accept applications for what looks like to be our exact fit. In doing this, we miss out on the best partners. I call this chasing the stars. This isn’t how life works though, and we get disappointed by the “Romeos” who fail us. The couples I know who seem happiest, say they were not the typical prototype to each other. Traditional dating periods or courtship processes in the past were often brief. Today, they can be long and grueling. Some people start their relationships long distance. Some people don't even get to pick their partner. In some countries two people are married off as strangers and are expected to copulate on the day of marriage. Sheesh! Here in America (2010), we are highly civilized and fortunate to not only have control over all of these things, but to be as picky and choosy as we want. Our current culture and all its modern technologies has taught us to multi-task in ways that aren't natural for human beings. We take a phone call while speeding down the highway and doing our makeup. We check our email while standing in line at the Post Office with two kids and a cup of coffee. We carry our Ipod, Iphone, Ipad, and blackberry with us wherever we go so that we will have every communication option in the world at our finger tips. How convenient. We can never be bored. We can never miss a call or an email. We can never be alone with ourselves without a toy. We can never go a minute without being over stimulated. Relationships are not flawless the way our technologies are. I think our demands and expectations of people are sometimes up to the standards of machinery. We take for granted the human things that matter. I am a fan of human love. I think some people would prefer a droid.

There is nothing more difficult in this world, than finding someone to share your life with. We must be willing to grow with someone. If you found a good guy, and he's wonderful, I'd say that's a find worth waiting for, even if you are slightly inconvenienced. If your schedules don’t match, or if you think a better match exists somewhere out there in the world, ride it out. Be sure that you are right about the person, before jumping the gun. People are coming from all different walks of life. The couples with the greatest longevity are the ones who kept an open mind, were grateful, patient with each other, and valued what they found (when they found each other).

Hold on steady to this guy; find ways to occupy your time when he is working toward building a future (possibly for both of you). When you are together, cherish that time together. Tell him how it makes you feel when you don't hear from him for days. You have to be somewhat bright to achieve a PhD, so I think he will appreciate your feelings and act on them. If he does not, consider ending the relationship because he's not reciprocating your feelings. It takes time to find a balance that works and to unite lives with someone. That’s what marriage is for. Life is not perfect, despite how our modern technologies fool us to think it is, and neither are we. We are just human, after all; perfectly imperfect in many ways. That is the beauty about us. Love comes in many packages. Be grateful when you find it, but beware of falsely identifying it or throwing it away.

Witnessing Shady Business

2010-06-21T10:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I introduced my friend to a guy I work with and they have been dating for the past 3 months. I'm friends with the guy, but only through work. I don't know much about his personal life. My friend and I have been close for a long time. The other day, I saw him meet another girl outside of our building. They were in a very heated and passionate argument. From the looks of it, it seemed like they were romantically involved. I'm sure that my friend is unaware of whoever this girl is. Should I tell her or just stay out of it?

-Getting in the Middle

Dear Getting in the Middle,
You feel conflicted for obvious reasons. At the risk of becoming a snitch on your colleague, you feel a greater responsibility to protecting the heart of your friend. In this particular situation (friends with both of them), you are obligated to be honest with him yet protective of her. Loyalty to friends and partners is important, but that’s the whole point here. He is giving you reasons to believe that he is not loyal. Whatever he's got going on appears to be cause for concern. I feel that your obligation to be the eyes and ears of your girlfriend overrules. It's never safe to assume anything, but your eyes don't lie. Based on their body language, relationship dynamics were suggestive. The possibility exists that she could have been a sister upset about family matters, an old fling who just won’t go away, or a desperate homeless woman he has been helping. Most likely, she is exactly what you perceived her to be. Ask him about it. My guess is that you saw too much. You could approach him in a "not that it's any of my business but..." kind of way, and see what he has to say. Or you might tell him that you want to be a good friend to both of them; but that you feel she has the right to know if he's seeing someone else. Depending on how close you are with this guy, he may or may not confide in you, or divulge the truth. You must do the right thing. In this case, I feel that the right thing to do would be to tell your friend. Mention it casually as though you are not making assumptions. Let her decide what to do with the information you relayed to her. Besides, you are her friend. You want what’s best for her. Right? Real friends are there for each other; rooting for each others success. Naturally, if you witness someone in the act of betrayal against your friend, you should want to stand behind her. If I were in her shoes, I would want to be informed. Some people might believe you saw your coworker’s secret rendez vous for a reason. Some people might even say that your loyalty to your friend is being tested by a higher power. Spiritual views aside, you should be proudly loyal to your friend. You may decide that giving your colleague a heads up is a good idea. If you don't want to make him uncomfortable, there are ways to go about this gently. You don't have to corner him with interrogating questions; you can approach the situation with subtlety. Shoot him an email. Lay it on smooth and easy, maybe even with a twist of cutesy humor. "You're not messing around on my girl are you? Because I might have to hurt you hehehe…" If he doesn't have a sense of humor about it, then you might just say "Look, you're such a cool guy and I’m so happy my friend is dating you, but I'm just looking out for her...Does she need to be concerned about what I saw?" He may or may not acknowledge what has transpired, or even worse, he may be guilty and in denial. Remember, you don't know what's going on. You only know what you saw. If he gets defensive, tells you it's none of your business, or calls you a nark, then he is probably shady, immature and not to be trusted. Then you can go directly to your friend and tell her what you saw. If he is a decent and respectful guy, he may be good enough to come clean with you about the situation. If he says he will tell her on his own, make sure he does by following up. Do this by going to your friend in a suggestive kind of way, and probing her for any recent relationship stints. At that point, if she is oblivious, then he didn't tell her and it's on him because you confronted him. The cards were on the table. Confess to her what you saw and how you handled the situation. Explain that you gave him the chance to tell her but he didn’t take it. Hopefully he wasn’t planning on telling her after you have this conversation. Either way, you are in the middle because he put you there, either on purpose or by accident. Don't be ashamed of your friendships. Be publicly loyal to your friends. Let people know where you stand. Any reasonable person would understand what friendship and loyalty is all about. In fact, a reasonable person should expect loyalty in this case, because it goes with the territory. Definitely don't stay quiet. Not saying something breaks the code of friendship laws. By taking a passive stance in the matter, you keep your friend in the dark and make a fool of her. She would be very hurt to find out you saw something suspicious and didn’t report it. People who are straightforward have strong character. Go for it without hesitation. Wouldn't you want to know? Or would you prefer to live in fairyland with the help of a hollow "friend"?

Immaturity at Every Age

2010-06-19T09:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I work with people who are a little younger than me. Despite the fact that I’m only a few years older than the majority of them, I feel ancient in comparison to their lifestyles. All they ever talk about is partying, getting drunk, and picking up guys or girls. It’s so immature to me. I’m just way past the phases they are going through. I want to be friendly with the people I work with, but I can’t help getting annoyed whenever they get together. I don’t want to seem like a snob, but I don’t want to be involved in their juvenile chat sessions either. What should I do?

-Feeling Older

Dear Feeling Older,
I think that when you’re in your twenties, it’s normal to find an equally blended mix of people who have it together and people who are still figuring it out. Maturity is about experiences, not age. There will always be people your age, older, or younger maturing at different paces. That’s just the way it is for every age group. Some people’s parents do everything for them and they never learn how to be responsible on their own. Some grown adults still party and act like college kids. Some people remarkably get it together very early in life, while others struggle and remain a mess throughout. Immaturity exists at every age. Dealing with irritating personality types is a challenge for everyone. The twenties are a strange and often times uncomfortable decade because it’s the time when everyone is finding themselves. You might meet someone who is 24, already married with two children and a house. On the flip side, you might meet someone 29, who is still single and partying. Depending on where you’re at in your life, how your relationships are going, what your family taught you about values, and what associations you put yourself in, everyone is on their own page. It’s all about experience. Young people in college tend to be egotistical, think they know everything, and that everyone values socializing like they do. It’s never safe to assume, but this is a young mentality that goes with the territory. That’s why colleges are so great because they confine all the young people together. Let the inexperienced hang out with the equally inexperienced. At the age when life is fresh and new, young people might think they have it all figured out, but nobody really does. There are plenty of stereotypes associated with certain age groups. A balding man in his forties is prone to mid life crisis spontaneity. A “creepy cat lady” might typically be a widowed woman with no children in her 60s. Two year olds are typically testy and prone to tantrums! A crass 20-something frat boy will typically boast about getting laid, boozing all night long, and hanging out with his “buddies”. A 20-something aspiring actress is typically naïve and desperate for attention, tries on friends like clothes, and talks a lot. While many of these stereotypes are right on the money, you can’t generalize an entire people. Everyone is own their own path. Some women in their 60s are in amazing shape, active in their communities, and highly social. Some men in their 40s are satisfied with life and raising stable families. Some two year olds are angels, some college guys don’t party at all, and some young aspiring actresses are incredibly inspirational. Not everyone keeps an open mind of the exceptions to every rule. Some people prefer to be judgmental. When it comes to colleagues, people should be more concerned with professionalism at work than recapping the highlights of last nights’ party. If you don’t have an outlet where you can be yourself, you will especially feel immaturity around you cramping your style. Your colleagues are testing your patience. When you’re at work, don’t get too comfortable. Focus on your work, yourself, the things you like to do, and the people you would like to do them with. Perhaps your colleagues also bug you because you hoped that by working with people your age, you would make friends. When your expectations were disappointed, you began feeling out of place. When you go to work, you are thrown into a circle of people you don’t mesh with. Though you may have it more together than they do, they are still people you must civilly engage with. Don’t hang out with them and DO avoid their dumb conversations. Remember, they are just people you work with. You do not have to get personally involved with them. Keep them at arm’s length, remain cordial, friendly, and even helpful, but don’t be afraid to voice yourself or be the only one who doesn’t party. “Elders” set a good example to bratty young people by being above the situation. People relate to those who are younger than them by remembering what it was like to be on their page. We need to respect our elders, but we also need to respect our youngers. When you interact with your colleagues, focus on the common grounds you have with them. Don’t hang out with them, or worry about being part of their group. Put on your “at work” attitude. You are your own person. Remember that people are individuals’ whether they want to be, realize it, or not. They are entitled to cling to their little clique party people, but you don’t have to be a part of it. That’s a good thing. You have better things to do, like finding people to talk to who you can level with. You need new associations. You don’t need an overabundance of interaction with people who get under your skin. It’s good to have balance. Having comrades to confide in outside of work would help you be able to brush them off more easily. You need to find people you can mesh with or else these people will continue to drive you nuts. Forget about them. Some of them might think of you as a goody-two-shoe, but that’s their problem. Their immature opinions don’t matter if they’re going to be obnoxious. You have no need for people like that. The people who matter are the ones who respect you, at every age. If something annoys you, show it. Stand your ground with confidence, knowing that you are further along in the process of life, and be glad you’re not in their shoes. Be proud that you’re not living your daily life in a constant state of drunken stupor. Be glad you have progressed from where they are. Be confident of whom you are and they may respect you for it. If not, who cares what they think of you? Be yourself. If you’re lucky, maybe someone equally annoyed by adolescent antics will soon get hired! Worst-case scenario; find a new job.

Denial about Naughty Boyfriend

2010-06-18T06:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My friend is going through a really messy break up right now and it's all she talks about. Her boyfriend cheated on her habitually and she is aware of it but she kept taking him back. He calls her psycho yet she is still obsessed with him. Even now after they have broken up, it doesn't seem like they have really broken up because she still talks to him on a daily basis. I can't sit and listen to her sob story anymore because I think she needs to move on. I care about her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. Am I doing the right thing by listening?

-Enough Already

Dear Enough Already,
You are a sweet, sensitive and considerate friend to her feelings. Nonetheless, you would be an even better friend if you were brutally honest with her. This honesty may be what she needs to snap out of it. Tell her the truth. She may not want to hear it, but the reality is that this sham of a relationship she is clinging onto is unhealthy for everyone involved (including you). Going in circles with someone doesn’t lead anywhere productive. It’s similar to having an unhealthy addiction. She would do herself a great injustice by giving this guy more chances; after he has proven himself to be someone she cannot trust nor rely on. She may have unrealistic or naïve expectations and hopes about him changing. If she keeps taking him back, but the results are not going to change. Her denial about him is causing you irritation because she's not being honest with herself. "First time, shame on him. Second time....." It's painful for some young women, to realize that they must start over with someone new, if they want to find a healthy and mature relationship. Some women just have a really hard time coming to terms with reality. They can't let go of someone they love who has lied to their face. They don’t understand that the person didn’t share the same values that they did, despite what was said. Talk is just talk. The way a man behaves is more important. We can try to convince people that we are what we say we are, but we only are those things when we display them. You shouldn’t go blindly into a relationship, but you also shouldn’t live in a realm of suspicion. People need to have a healthy balance in new relationships by being wisely cautious. Trust must be earned, not automatically given. Some women feel like a failure when they are cheated on, but it’s not their fault. This is a time for your friend to find herself apart from the guy who has been a big distraction to her. It might be helpful for her to hear from someone (you) that you know how hard it is to cut ties with someone you love deeply. Guys who women get involved with sometimes claim they care about things their woman cares about. It doesn't have the same value until they exercise it, or practice what they’re preaching. I would say that you are being extremely considerate to your friend to keep listening, hoping she will figure it out on her own. However, you don't have to take this stance. You are perfectly entitled to lay down the law with her. Maybe she is stuck in denial so badly because no one is being honest with her. You can avoid the topic (or even her) until she confronts you about your distant behavior. At that point you will have no choice other than to tell her the reality of the situation. I suggest that you explain it to her up front. Tell her that you care about her and want her to be happy. This guy has successfully made of fool of her repeatedly, so you are done with him as her boyfriend and ready for her to find happiness. You do not support this guy in her life, disrespecting her, and you want her to find peace with someone who is a better match. In fact, she should start getting ready to be right for someone else as soon as possible. There’s no time to waste. It’s really quite exciting, but she doesn’t see it that way because she is being manipulated. If she isolates herself during this, then she’s putting herself exactly where he wants her. She needs to get out and socialize; meet other people and find support. Help her. If she keeps taking him back or even talking to him, she gives him the chance to manipulate her (and hurt her) again. This is foolish. Men will mistreat women to a point where it's royally selfish and unfair, driving them over the edge, and causing them to do things that they wouldn’t normally do. I had a friend who was habitually cheated and she said "it did something to me that I really don't like. I didn't recognize myself." Men will be ridiculously unfair, and then have the audacity to call their girlfriends "psycho" when they struggle to manage life with them. Um, excuse me, no! No. She is not a psycho. She is responding to your ridiculous behavior! Guys who push their girlfriends over the edge with lies and betrayal, are a disease to the women who keep them around. I wish for every girl in this situation (caught in a web of a bastard’s shadiness) to snap out of it and move on too. Empowerment! Tell your friend that you are here for her, and that she needs to do whatever it takes to rid herself of this guy and his poison. You will be happy to help her be done with him. You understand that she cares for him, but he is not good for her. If she does not get the message or refuses to move on, then you must enforce some disciplinary tough love on her. Tell her point blank where you stand on the matter, and that you will not talk to her about him. You will not be around her if she is going to bring him up or keep seeing him because it’s unhealthy and you don’t support it. If she knows what's good for her, she will make a proactive decision to better herself by getting away from that “psycho”. Nobody can live like that. Not even you as her friend. It’s insane.

The Name-Dropper

2010-06-16T11:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My college roommate works in the entertainment industry. She recently moved to LA, and has been constantly keeping in touch with me. I am not really a phone person, but she calls me daily. I feel like the only reason she calls, is to boast about her new lavish lifestyle. We never talked this much when we lived nearby, and now she suddenly wants to share everything with me. She constantly mentions celebrities she has partied with, worked with, or seen out on the town. She even posts updates on my Facebook wall about her exciting life. I used to like her, but I don’t like talking on the phone and her conversations annoy me. I'm happy with my life and don’t need a daily report on her LA experiences.

-Midwest Girl

Dear Midwest Girl,
This is an easy one. Stop taking her call. Become suddenly busy. When people move somewhere exciting (i.e. NYC, LA, Miami, Japan etc...), they tend to automatically assume that everyone who isn’t there wants to be. You do not have to sit through her obnoxious name dropping, chest beating, and bragging phone sessions. Since she’s in the second largest US city, you would think she would be too busy working in the avid entertainment industry out there, to have time to keep you updated. Why doesn’t she get a job at TMZ, since she’s so completely star struck that she can’t contain herself from reporting star sightings? Become unavailable. Don’t answer her calls any more. As for the Facebook thing, I think there's an option to filter wall posts or block people (if you get desperate). She may have been a cool roomie once upon a time, but now she is getting on your nerves. People change. Luckily she lives far away so you don’t have to deal with her or see her on a regular basis. Then again, if you were both in LA, she wouldn’t feel so special in comparison to you in the Midwest. She is looking for attention; someone to make her feel important. Lucky you. For some people, the city they live in is a major part of their identity. People in LA don’t typically feel special to other people in LA. They have to reach out to people in other cities, if they want recognition for where they live. If she is aspiring to stardom, she’s probably being sucked into that whole LA mind frame of fame chasers. The way she sees it, you are an opportunity for her to feel special or like a star. When that phone rings, ignore it. Don’t’ sweat it. She will find someone else to spoon feed her pompousness to. If she writes to you asking about why you haven’t been around, simply explain. Tell her that you have never been much of a phone person and that your “plate” is full at the moment. Basically tell her (in a nice way) that you have a life, and she needs to get one. She will get the picture and eventually stop calling. If not, you can always change your number and neglect to give her the new one. You aren’t obligated to remain friends with her, just because you used to live together. It’s great that you had a college roommate you got along with, because some people don’t even have that. Not that you’re at all interested in delving her psychology, but she’s probably having mixed emotions. In comparison to the rest of the country, she feels exclusive (and probably a little pretentious) to be living in a place where celebrities wine, dine, mingle, and work. She values them, but the things that are important to her, aren't important to everyone. Naturally being the new kid in town, she may feel a little scared but too egotistical to admit it. Thus she clings to something familiar from her past, meanwhile putting on a face of fearlessness. She’s looking for somewhere to put all this energy and it seems she has picked you. Good for her to have materialized a lifelong dream, but it’s not easy to be the new girl in a really big city, especially Los Angeles. LA is a big deal to many people, but there is a whole world outside of it. Over time she will acclimate, find new friends (hopefully), and get used to the idea that she lives in the entertainment capital of the nation (like thousands of others). For now, politely preoccupy yourself with other things and let LA deal with her.

World Cup Fanatic

2010-06-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend and I live together, and share a television. There are a few shows that I watch regularly. Now that the World Cup is in progress, my boyfriend is dominating the television. It’s annoying. It’s like I’m not here when the game is on. He doesn’t want to hang out with me. He would rather stay home with his eyes glued to the television. I’m not into sports and am bored by the game, so I don’t know how to compromise with this. What about my favorite shows?

-Not Kicking It

Dear Not Kicking It,
Ahhhh the World Cup… It's only once every 4 years, yet your boyfriend would rather kick it with the soccer tournament, than with you. I like how you pointed out that you have only one TV between the two of you. Ha! Can’t pull the remote from his kung-fu grip? It’s a shame to have to miss out on shows you watch religiously, for your boyfriend’s love of soccer. However, the World Cup is an internationally celebrated tournament famous for its passionate fans. That being said, I’m not surprised by your boyfriend’s behavior. He is far from alone. American men can get pretty fanatical about football, but they have nothing on International soccer fans. Soccer (more appropriately known as “football”) is notorious for having the most extreme fans. Now is the time when people around the world come out of the woodwork to obsess over their favorite sport. A love fore one's country; a love for the national team. They take the term “fan” to a whole new level. It’s like a religion. Some countries see their soccer team as a sacred and beloved entity; equivalent in value to a spouse, family, or career. It’s unbelievable. I swear there’s nothing more fanatical. It is described as a spiritual connection. Players have died out there on the field during the game. Loyalty to the national team has often resulted in blood thirst on the streets, in the aftermath of a losing game. Angry soccer fans have been prone to vengeful conduct. They have rampaged, set things on fire, rallied, rioted, and even killed, all in the heat of soccer passion. It’s serious. That’s not all. During the World Cup 1994, Colombian player Andrés Escobar accidentally disgraced his team by kicking the ball into his own goal. When he returned to his country, he was killed by drug lords who had lost money gambling on the teams success. Can you imagine? It’s no joke to these people. They take it outrageously seriously, to a point of life or death in some cases. There’s nothing wrong with liking sports. Sports give its fans an escape into an exciting event of which they may pick a side. It creates kinship among allies. What is a game without fans? The players feed off of the encouragement of spectators, and this generates constant engagement of fans with the game. People feel a personal bond with their team. It is also easy to play sports, so after you watch a game, you can go out in the yard and have your own. Some couples aren’t compatible in their like or dislike of sports. If you are not a sports fan, then you simply have to compromise. Agree to disagree on sports. Differences in a relationship can be very healthy and keep things exciting. He likes soccer, you do not. Make yourself busy and just accept that this is a special time of year for people like him. Allow him to enjoy this, without necessarily par taking in it. By respecting his hobby, he has to return the favor by allowing you to have hobbies too (even if that includes watching shows when the game is on). We have to play fair. I know men who will carry a small television around during the World Cup. I think you can even watch it on your phone. There must be a compromise. Soccer is great and all but let’s try to keep our heads on and get our priorities straight. The relationship can’t go into one-sided mode when the World Cup is in progress. On the flip side, it’s good to take a break from TV sometimes, because our human eyeballs can only take so much staring at a screen. I understand that TV is a great stress relief for a lot of hard working people, but when it comes to the World Cup, there’s no contest. What did people do back in the times of no TV? They probably found other ways to entertain themselves. Maybe you should dust off an old book and start reading? You have options, but if it gets to be a desperate situation, you might invest in another TV. Anything to make the World Cup less painful for you. Since it's the featured attraction at bars galore, why don’t you suggest your boyfriend go out on some game nights? Maybe you can put a flip channel during commercials agreement into effect. It’s not ideal, but you don’t have to like all the same things. Soccer comes with your boyfriends’ package deal. As annoying as it might be, make sure you remain respectful of each other. All in all, I’d say that if this is the worst of your problems, you guys are doing pretty well.

Twin Tension

2010-06-12T11:09:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My girlfriend has a twin and they have always been inseparable (not literally). There is a little tension between her twin and me, because she feels threatened by me. She worries that I will come between the two of them. She is having some financial problems right now and wants to come live with us until she gets on her feet. My girlfriend hopes I will understand and approve, but I’m really not happy about it.

-No Twins Attached

Dear No Twins Attached,
How phenomenal that your girlfriend is a twin! From soul mates to rivals, twins exist in every way. Each set of twins is unique in dynamic. Some twins are opposites, while others seem to be the same exact person. They are an involuntary partnership, which may be either embraced or resented. Some say that there’s no deeper connection and understanding than that of a twin. It sounds like your girlfriend has a comfortable companionship with her twin. However, not every set of twins gets along or accepts the constant presence of the other. Not all twins are attached at the hip (emotionally), but when they are, it’s described as an incomparably deep bond. Psychologists report that twin counseling is similar to couples therapy. Twins are a complicated phenomenon psychologically, because they often establish a balance between them that affords no room for anyone else. This causes tension in adulthood when romantic partners enter the scene. Many twins appreciate the value in having each other, and don’t take it for granted. They may become territorial or over protective of their “other half”. They are often intellectual and physical counterparts. They will finish each other’s sentences, talk in their own language, or even wear the same things. They are a pair. Their relation to each other is often how they identify themselves. It’s common in many households for twins to be raised as one being. Instead of being recognized as separate people, they are referred to as “the twins”. One of the most challenging things for twins to do as adults is become individuals apart from each other. Perhaps your girlfriend is more comfortable separating herself, while her twin is having a hard time individualizing. From her point of view, it has been just the two of them all this time, and then you came long to disrupt the flow. She naturally feels like she is competing with you for your girlfriend’s attention and affection, because she is. It’s challenging for some twins to disconnect, because of the history of their companionship. Twins are accustomed to always having each other. From your point of view, when you began dating your girlfriend, you didn’t sign up to date her twin too. You don’t want their (annoying) bond to invade the intimacy of your love. It feels like there are three of you in the relationship. Not good. What you are witnessing is an identity crisis, and the tender process of individuation. The real issue here is that she is your girlfriend’s family. That is the bottom line. Like a nagging Mother in Law, over bearing Father in Law, or high maintenance childhood pet, the twin comes in your girlfriend’s package deal. As time goes on, twins learn to function in the world without their sister or brother by their side at all times. They will always be twins, and that is a very special gift life has given them. As irritating as it might be, I think it would be big of you to allow her sister to stay with you TEMPORARILY, as long as there is a mutual respect. This is something they have to work on out of respect for you. Her twin will always be a part of her life and you cannot and should not try to change that. However, you are now an important piece of the puzzle too, and so her twin must make room for you. Maybe you can help her find a boyfriend…

Messy Boyfriend

2010-06-09T08:42:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I have the messiest boyfriend on Earth. Ironically, he’s a smart and well rounded guy who is established in the world of finance. Yet, he never picks up after himself. He grosses me out because he leaves wrappers and food on the counter tops all night. His clothes remain in a pile on the floor where he took them off, for days on end. I try to help him and tidy around the house, but it’s tiring to keep up with. The sink is piled full of dirty dishes every night. I don’t know what to do. I love the guy, but phew!

-The Maid Service

Dear Maid Service,
Your boyfriend sounds like a talented man, in the category of mess making at lightning speed. You may ask yourself why, if he has established himself financially, doesn’t he invest in a cleaning service? It’s amusing to watch a full grown, (handsome) man create mayhem like an adolescent. You might think of him as a Superhero with the capacity to dirty a mile high stack of dishes on a daily basis. Firstly, let’s try to see it his way. It’s plausible that your boyfriend just has other things on the forefront of his mind. Perhaps it’s not important to him to clean, like it is to you. People have different priorities. Some people actually feel most comfortable in messes. I have an artistic friend who claims she cannot function if everything in her space is in order. She needs a little chaos to feel inspired. It’s just her style. That being said, perhaps your boyfriend is comfortable in the havoc he creates. Just like messes bother some people, really orderly spaces make others feel uncomfortable. Look for a compromise regarding the difference between your cleaning habits, and you may find a happy medium. Don’t expect him to be you, but he can adjust himself in small ways to make you more comfortable. Who knows why he does it? There are many possible reasons. The most obvious would be to assume that his Mom cleaned up after him, so he never learned. That’s not necessarily the case though. She might be a very organized woman. Maybe he takes after someone he admired growing up. Or maybe he is too busy and distracted to have time to clean. Studies show that if a man is messy, he is probably not anal, which is a good thing. Chances are he doesn't ask you to clean up after him. He probably just isn't getting to the mess as quickly as you'd like him to. Maybe you are prone to compulsive tendencies (like me). The bottom line is that if you don't want to be cleaning up after him forever, you must break the cycle. A messy boyfriend can be transformed into a slightly more self sufficient one, with a little loving enforcement. Nobody is perfect and I’m sure there are things you do that annoy him too. If he is the financial bread-winner in the relationship, then perhaps you could afford to do more household chores. Besides, this relationship is a partnership. It’s not your job to clean up after him, unless you make it your job. We take on different roles in a relationship to create balance. There are women who will spend the rest of their life cleaning up after a man. It’s a full time job for some wives. That may work for them, but maybe you don’t want to be “that girl”. You are not married yet, so it’s best to establish your limits beforehand. This is part of getting to know someone (your mate). If you marry him without confronting an issue that bothers you, it sends the message that the issue is acceptable. Then if you decide to start changing him after you are married, he will assume you have become dissatisfied and changed. That’s not really fair. You must have realistic expectations and play fair. Talk to him. Focus on what you love about your boyfriend and everything he has to offer you. The relationship should be worth it, regardless of what comes along. His messiness is a simple preference variation between you. Just like you have personality preferences, this is one area where you differ. You may find it unbearable (understandably), but he’s entitled to be a person who likes messes. If it bothers you to the point where you can’t rest, then he must put forth some effort to make you more comfortable. Set some guidelines. Tell him you’re willing to help with the laundry but if it’s not in the hamper, it’s not happening. Tell him that trash goes in the garbage and not on the counter. You must be persistent and he will get it. You don’t want to sound like a nag, so be playful when you do this. He may not come out on the other side as an immaculate Mr. Clean, but I believe he will improve. Over time, you will find a flow that works for the two of you. You may even get somewhat used to his disarray. A man, who is a little messy, is really kind of cute. After all, he needs you.

From Sisters to Business Competitors

2010-06-08T15:04:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I started my own business a year ago. We are located in a high traffic, touristy part of town. I’ve been doing well, given the current economic state of the country. This was a childhood dream of mine that I have been able to bring to life. This was a huge undertaking and takes up all my time. I work very hard. My sister has always belittled my accomplishments. She is a housewife whose husband completely supports her. I am not married and provide for myself. Now she wants to open a store similar to mine in a nearby area. She has always rivaled with me, but this takes the cake. I feel that this is the most competitive thing she could do. This store is the air I breathe. I am furious.

-Bad for Business

Dear Bad for Business,
I can imagine your frustration. Your sister probably didn’t like to share and harbors feelings of resentment. She still feels threatened by you so she tries to steal your thunder. She sounds like a real “one-upper”. Here you are slaving away over your life time ambition, only for your own sister to behave as an “I can do that too” rival. Once again, we have a case of adult sibling rivalry; the oldest feud in the book. There’s nothing wrong with a little friendly competition, but when it’s driven by a vengeance or jealousy, that’s when things get ugly. Families are known to make each other miserable, but you don’t have to succumb to obsessive neurotics. Look at actress sisters Olivia de Havilland and Joan Fontaine. They were both beautiful celebrities of their time. It is written that their only continuous problem was with each other. They were often up for the same roles, and nominated for the same awards. Talk about uncomfortable. This is not an uncommon life theme. If your sister is going to be so insistent on joining you in the world of entrepreneurship, then it would make more sense for you to go into business together. Make the suggestion just to see her reaction. It’s not likely that she will buy into the idea based on her eagerness to outshine you. The fact that she would go through all the trouble to put you out, is a little on the neurotic side. You could take it as a compliment that you are an inspiration to her but perhaps no one bothers her more than you, because you are similar. She may be in denial about you, OR she may be completely aware of your worth and utterly bothered by it. Perhaps she goes through these motions, to cover up her insecurities and feelings of inadequacy around you. She rubs it in your face that she is taken care of. Let her talk all she wants, actions speak much louder. She may want to go into business, but meanwhile, you ARE in business. It is a business which you built from the ground up with no help from her. That is unique. What she would be doing, is building off of your already established idea. Since you were established first, you hopefully have had time to gain some returning customers. You’d be surprised how loyal people can be to the stores they like. If you built personal relationships with your customers, they are probably comfortable seeing a friendly and familiar face. I mean, is your sister really going to go through all the trouble? Does she have any idea how much work goes into starting a business? Is she sure she wants to do this? Maybe you can coax her out of it by negating the progress... If she does want to open a store, maybe you two are similar and should agree to sell similar but different merchandise. What about sister stores? It's like; "if she THINKS she can just...." snap her fingers and hire a designer? Pay employees to do all the work? Or how about recreate what you did with your own two hands? Then so be it. It’s a shabby stab at being a copy cat. You can always hold your head up knowing that YOU earned what you have. No one can take away what you have done and don’t allow her to. Put her in her place. Ask her if she aspires to put you out of business… because her idea is a dirty tactic that business rivals maneuver. If she brushes it off, press her to recognize it. This is not fun and games. This is your time, your income, your dream, your money, and your life’s work. I say to be up front with her, and don’t dance around the issue. If you play the game with her, it could become out of control and downright ridiculous. Don’t waste your energy. You don’t want to go there. Be honest with her. Tell her how she makes you feel. If you both end up exploding on each other, then you needed to release the tension that built up over the years. It could be very productive for your relationship. You may even find yourselves laughing when it’s over. People are just people. This is nothing so unforgivable that you can’t work through with a little confrontation. It’s uncomfortable and it’s not easy, but it can be worked out. You have the right to live just like she does, even if she came first. She needs to stop taking her feelings of inadequacy out on you. Be direct, because by not stating how she makes you feel and pretending that you’re not furious about this, will only send the message that her behavior is acceptable, which it is not. You don’t need this crap from her, you need her to be your friend and supporter, so let her know unless you don’t want it to stop. After you have been honest with her negative effect on you, compliment her on all the things she does well. Feed her confidence. This way you acknowledge that she has issues of self esteem. You do not have to apologize to her for being born. Depending on the severity of her issues, she may not find the inner strength to be what you need her to be. In that case, you may find it best for you to spend the least amount of time together as possible. if one thing is for sure, you cannot go on like this. You will feel better and rest better at night if you get it out. Sometimes an emotional eruption is necessary when your nerves have been blown up like a hot air balloon. You’re going to pop! When it’s over, you can breathe again. For comfort, I also recommend the following movies featuring adult sibling rivalry at its worst: 27 Dresses, In Her Shoes, The Other Boleyn Girl, Raising Helen, Cruel Intentions, Adaptation, and even The Godfather.

Dealing with a Brat-Child

2010-06-07T12:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My husband was married once before me and had a son. His son lives with his X-wife who is also remarried. We sometimes get his son on the weekends, but not regularly. I'm not a big fan of his X-wife, though we are cordial with each other and can civilly visit from time to time. The issue is that their son is a complete brat. He is so spoiled by everyone in the family. Everyone spoils him from his Grandmother, to his Aunts, and even his new Step-Father. My husband spoils him too. Whenever this kid is in our house, he is running the show and dictating our lives. It’s pathetic how my husband lets him boss us around. I feel like I should have a say in how we raise him as a couple in our household, but I’m not sure where to draw the line. This child has no discipline and gets whatever he wants. I can’t imagine how he will be when he is older.

-Cringing Step-Mother

Dear Cringing Step-Mother,
A rotten step child is a real doozie. It might make a drinker out of me. I am with you on this one. You're right, not only is this annoying, but it's also a problem. It’s painful to watch someone shower a greedy child with things because they will only learn to be ungrateful and demand more. When that someone is your husband, I would imagine it's even more irritating. Any quantity of attention or gifts to compensate for lack of love or being present in the child's life, seems like a poor parental tactic. It’s not that your husband doesn’t love his son; it’s that he is not very present in his life (as much as he might like to be). His harbored feelings of guilt drive him to want to overcompensate in unhealthy ways. He gives his son the driver’s seat and lets him call all the shots. Routines are very effective with children, so the child naturally accepts all he is given. Soon he is expecting it as a payment owed to him each time he returns, because your husband (and all parties involved) have made this a habit. Perhaps your husband feels that this is the only way he can win over his son’s affection. Ask him if it is working. It wouldn’t be surprising if after all his efforts; his child is still subject to tantrums, emotionally distance and ungratefulness. This is a dynamic that probably will get worse over time. It’s something that a lot of parents do after divorce. However, I feel that a passive attitude towards this behavior only condones it, and sends the message that it is acceptable. I think it’s completely reasonable that you stand your ground and voice that you do not support this behavior. He is not doing him any favors by placing an emphasis on material things or giving him the control over the household when he visits. He would be a more effective Father, even only on weekends, if he focused on strengthening their bond in productive ways by sharing quality time together. Parents should strive to teach their children to be humble and appreciate things. It’s not always easy, but you could help your husband resist his urge to indulge his son in every way. Children need love, and that comes in many forms. Children struggle with identity issues when their parents’ divorce. Children with divorced parents act out in different ways when they are coping with the loss of one or both parents. Our job as parents is to teach them, and guide them with consistency and boundaries. When they are guiding us, the process is backwards and over time they respect us less and less. I understand the difficult position you are in as a step parent and the only one not willing to carry on with it. You don’t want to be identified as the “wicked Step-Mother”. However, every child needs discipline and boundaries. It’s important to give children positive attention, but it’s also important to teach them that their ill behavior is unacceptable. Otherwise they can get away with murder. It is recommended by many child psychologists that encouragement should occur immediately. It is also recommended that punishments be brief but immediately following bad behavior. As soon as the child is naughty, they should be ignored (to show it is unacceptable) given immediate consequences. This takes patience but will result in improvement. It sounds like your Step-son has become addicted to doting attention that everyone is practicing. I think you would be wise, and set an excellent example in the long run, if you were to break the chain. You should really talk to your husband at length and explain this to him. Tell him it’s not helping their relationship or the growth of his son, and that you don’t approve of it in your house. You are a couple and need to do this together. Positive reinforcement is good, but to excess it is harmful. He is doing his son an injustice by providing with a dream world full of material things to live in. It’s not realistic. The people with the most character, experienced hardship and had to work for what they have. They understand the value of things and what it takes to earn them. Unconditional love is not paying for things or offering an endless supply of gifts. It is loving someone no matter what they do. Show him. Children are very receptive, and they learn quickly. In most cases, spoiling equals bratty behavior. The boy will not change or become a decent, intelligent, or compassionate person, until he is shown otherwise. Parents are responsible. You and your husband would change the boy's life by being good parents to him.

Letting the Grays Grow

2010-06-06T09:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I’m an older woman who has always colored her hair. I like to keep up with current style trends. I do not have a mate, but I would like to find one. Lately my kids have been encouraging me to let my natural hair color grow in. It would be brave since my hair is gray now and I have never revealed it to anyone. Do you think I should keep coloring my hair to attract a boyfriend? Or let myself be natural for once?

-Hiding the Grays

Dear Hiding the Grays,
Human beings are visual creatures and first impressions really do last. We assume things about people when we look at them, whether we intend to or not. If a girl wears a short skirt and low cut top, we assume certain things about her character. The same goes for hair. You understand how style makes an impression. That being said, when I see older women donning a head of naturally aged hair, I am neither turned off nor disgusted. I find myself rather enchanted and curios about her. It's inspirational. I think it’s natural to fight the gray at first. I also think that gray hair sends the message “I’m not afraid of my age, and I have lived a full life”. It makes me want to know more about that person. I think a mature man would find this kind of confidence attractive too. You don't want a guy who is just looking for arm candy, do you? You are too good for that. I don’t know what kind of life you have lived, but I would find you more approachable if you appeared comfortable with it. Aging is a natural part of life, and it’s a shame when you feel you have to run away from it or cover it up. It’s no small wonder why anyone would feel like that. That’s what society has done to us. That's what's wrong with all of us. I would like you to know that you are completely acceptable and glorious to be the age that you are. There is room for everyone in this world. In fact, we need you. There’s too much youth and cosmetically altered “beauty” running ramped on the streets. Its polluting minds and making highly valuable people feel inadequate and unappreciated. Gray adds a lot of character and appeal to a mature woman. I think women who aren’t afraid to show their age in this society of youthful worship, appear strong and independent. An older woman with natural hair has an interesting appeal. She seems more like she doesn’t have regrets, and isn’t trying to undo the past, more than a woman with color. Dyes start to all look the same after a while. The natural color makes a person seem rather satisfied with the life they have lived, and unashamed. That’s a woman I would like to talk with. I admire it greatly. I think a lot of people feel that way, they just lack fortitude to admit it. If the people around us are making us feel inhibited about age, then we're in the wrong crowd. Gray hair is something obtained over time. You earned it and it’s your right to shine. There are those cases when someone young is experiencing premature gray growth, but that can be unique too. Society places a horrifying amount of emphasis on women to remain 20-something in body and mind. This pressure is ridiculous and unrealistic, and anyone buying into it is a fool. Youthful beauty is promoted for sales. Companies want to be rich so they create things you "need" and use manipulation for sales. What matters is who you are inside, not the clothes or the hair. You can project the inside out. Don't worry about pleasing everyone else. What about pleasing yourself? I have no need for people who want to reduce themselves to standards that disgrace the evolution and natural growth process of human beings. It’s silly. I understand being a stylish woman or having a passion for fashion, but gray hair can be quite sophisticated and fashionable. Grays and whites add a punch of color to a room full of brunettes and blonds. Chemically enhanced hair is a dime a dozen. How else would hair stylists stay employed? When you see a woman with gray roots, I think it sends the message that she is not comfortable with aging. I say embrace your age, and find a man who is on the same page, who will appreciate you for who and what you are. What better way to be yourself than to look your age? I know some men who feel that hair color is false advertising. Ha! If you are of a certain age where your hair is no longer the texture or color it once was, I don’t think that’s a loss. I think that’s an inheritance. You have inherited an appeal which shows you have lived and seen many things. Be free. If you want to keep maintaining a youthful appearance by coloring it, then that is your choice. There’s nothing wrong with being artistic or wanting to enhance the color of something. I colored my hair for 2 decades. You can also enhance your gray or brighten your white with a toner, without altering the color too much. What this world needs are more people who are willing to set a good, solid example to us young fools by being themselves. We need heroes. Anyone who confidently struts their natural hair color is a hero in my book. We need people to remind us that it’s acceptable to be what you are. The more the better! There’s room for every age and type in this world. We need older people to make us feel that life is a gift, and that aging is a wonderful part of that. Quite frankly, sometimes I can’t wait to be older so that I don’t have to deal with harsh modern day pressures. I guess I think that aging gives the green light to cast your cares to the wind. I really think society needs older and wiser folks to come out of hiding. What are we so afraid of anyways? That the girl in the magazine ad will be more beautiful than us? Big deal. Where is the depth and maturity? Where is the soul? Where is the beautiful older woman with her natural hair, showing me that I am acceptable at any age? I have seen many attractive older ladies, with beautiful long locks of silver, gray or snow white. They are a breath of fresh air every time. Thus, I am rooting for the grays. Your children love you and have a wonderful idea…

Learning to Cook

2010-06-04T07:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend and I are talking about marriage. I’m very excited about the idea of spending my life with him, but I have some anxiety. I’m concerned that I won’t be able to satisfy him with what he needs. The reason is because I’m a terrible cook and he loves homemade food. His mom ruined it for me because she is an amazing cook. She cooked everything from scratch when he was a kid, and still does. Who has time for that? I don’t even know how to make chicken. It’s not something I enjoy either. I told my boyfriend that it’s just not me. I know he will not expect me to be the best, but I feel bad.

-Doomed in the Kitchen

Dear Doomed in the Kitchen,
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’m chuckling to myself because of how much I know this feeling. Let’s just say that “Cookistan” was a country I did not want to visit. Ha! When I met my husband, his mother was a royal nightmare. Not because she was hard to deal with or anything. Oh no, she was as sweet as pie and I had a great deal of admiration and respect for her. She was a nightmare because she was an astonishing chef! I felt the doom you feel in the worst way. She had a natural talent with food. She would make these really elaborate, exotic meals. She was concocting all kinds of crazy things, with spices I have never even heard of. Meanwhile, here I was trying to boil pasta without over cooking it. I thought “I will never be able to match this”. How did she do it?! Her culinary skills were so advanced, that I thought I might be better off forfeiting our relationship before I disgraced myself. I hated messing with food and I became a nervous wreck any time I stepped in the kitchen. I assure you that nothing was more intimidating to me than cooking. When you have minimal to no cooking skills, it’s overwhelming to experience the sophistication that other women have achieved. I had never been much use in the kitchen and my Mother’s dishes were very basic. Now I was an adult with no experience or know how, holding hands with a man with a refined palate. I wanted nothing to do with cooking. I had better things to do. It’s like you said: “who has time for that!?” Some women don’t cook throughout their whole marriage, and their husbands deal with it. That would be your choice. It’s hard to go domestic when you’re used to being career minded. However, I honestly feel that the old saying “the way to a man’s heart is through is stomach” has some truth. Your boyfriend may not demand you to serve him daily, yet you feel the pressure because he’s used to good food. I have news for you: you are not doomed. In fact there is a lot of hope! I can tell you from experience that this is something you can hone over time. With consistency, trial and error, you too can become a decent home chef. The trick is to start small. I would often pick advanced recipes that were far beyond my capabilities. When they resulted in catastrophe, I wouldn't want to cook again for a month. Don't start with enchiladas or "baked basmati with currant stuffed trout", start with vegetables and rice! Don’t overwhelm yourself, or else you will become discouraged from trying again. It’s like anything else you do in life. There are many levels, but you can become more accomplished by starting small and working up. Your boyfriend’s mom wasn’t born with immaculate recipes programmed into her head. She had to learn it from somewhere. Imagine how proud your boyfriend would be of you, if he saw you putting in the effort? Explain to him that you have a lot of anxiety about cooking, but that you want to try. He will be grateful. If you want to nurture him and his happiness, it would be good for you to give it a try. Out of respect to the relationship, his childhood, and the love you share. I would watch the Food Network and make note of tips that looked easy to me. People on the Food Network really are helpful! I started to put things together. I ruined many, many dinners, but I kept on trying. I started to think positively about cooking. It’s ok to mess up, because you won’t mess up forever. Not if you try. I promise that if I can do it, ANYONE can. You may go through cycles. Sometimes you will hate it, or resent the time and effort you put into it if it’s a disaster. Other times you will enjoy it, think it's fun, or even love it when it’s a success. It’s very exciting when it starts to click. You become less nervous, and more anxious to create a tasty meal. Maybe the idea of spending time in the kitchen sweating over a 3 course meal, is not what you had in mind for your future? I’m not saying you should quit your job and stay home doing laundry and dishes too. It’s good to round yourself out. You don’t want to be all about one thing. You need balance. You can still be a career woman and make time to cook. The transition from girlfriend to wife is a maturity not just in your relationship, but also as a woman. When you are married, you become responsible for each other. Everything is shared, including meal planning. It’s something you could do together. It’s great when cooking is a shared responsibility. My husband is a wonderful cook (thanks to his mom). You don’t have to do it all single handed. Sometimes you may not have time, but once in a while would be a nice start. Maybe you can cook on the weekends at the beginning, and then advance into a couple times a week. Before you know it, you will be making dinner every other day. You have more potential than you think you do, you just don’t know where to start. The reason you dread it, is because it's new to you. It becomes enjoyable the more you learn. Pretty soon you’re cooking Boeuf Bourguignon! Let me know how it comes out because I’m not even that far along yet! It will also surprise you how many foods with an elegant appeal, are simple to make. Did you know beets are easy to boil? When presented on a plate, they add an interesting splash of color. Tilapia fillets are healthy and light. You throw them in a pan lightly oiled, and cook them for 6-7 minutes on each side. Salads sound boring, but can become very exciting with the addition of almond slices, broccoli, sun dried tomatoes, avocado, and shaved cheese. See? Presentation can be fun too! It’s such a creative art medium. They don’t call it the culinary ARTS for nothing. I believe in you, so don’t give up on yourself. It is a feat that you too can concur. Don’t be afraid, dare to venture into the mysterious world of food preparation and make it out alive.

Making Friends after College

2010-06-03T07:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I’m a college graduate who has moved away for work. I enjoy my job, but I’m not making new friends. The only people I know are the people I work with and I see them enough on a daily basis. I don’t want to hang out with them outside of work too. My good friends from college are all in different places. I just don’t know how I’m going to meet people and I’m going nuts.

-Lonely Working Girl

Dear Lonely Working Girl,
College is such a social atmosphere. It’s so easy to meet people there because campuses promote collective activities. In a college; you’ve got a population of (mostly) same age students living in the same vicinity, doing the same things and constantly interacting. It's a special time. Too bad we can't stay in college forever. It the easiest place in the world to connect with people. Colleges set you up to meet people your age. College dorms practically hand you your friends. People living on the same floor or in the same building may have differences, but they have so much in common that they adapt to each other. They're all going to class! People leave their dorm rooms open and study in public places where many others are studying. Someone is always having a party, and classes are rooms full of people the same age. The chance that you will connect with someone there is highly likely. Most universities dominate the entire city they dwell in too. Take for instance Cambridge, Massachusetts. The streets of Cambridge run ramped with mainly one kind of person: Harvard University and MIT students. They're in the restaurants, bars, convenient stores, etc. You will find friends there if you are among them. Outside of the college culture, there’s every age and type of person to reckon with. Naturally since your day consists of going to work and coming home, there’ no social network for you to tap into. You’re right; it’s hard to meet people outside of college, a lot harder. I think you need to get involved in “extracurricular activities” if you want to meet people. This is just something that people in the real world have to do. You should keep your connections with your college friends going. It's good for you. Stay connected to a fun and productive part of your past. Since you only really have the evening and weekend hours to work with, you should utilize them with hobbies. Do you like to exercise? That’s always a fun way to meet people. Just get out and start doing things. Maybe you can take yourself to the movies. You might feel silly by yourself, but people are attracted to independence so you might be surprised who you meet. The worst thing you could do is go home and sit on your computer all night. Unless you’re into online meet up groups and stuff like that. You should go out and actually make an appearance in the world. By putting yourself out there, you will attract others like you. Look for events in the area. It’s like you’re the new kid all over again, only this time you don’t have the age advantage in an organized and controlled environment. Accept every invitation that comes your way. It may take hanging out with people you don't really mesh with, to help you network with people you will mesh with. I accepted a dinner party invitation from a girl whom annoyed me, because I considered her to be seriously snobby. At her dinner party, I met someone really cool and down to Earth. Who knew!? You will often find connections in the least likely or most surprising places. It takes some time to settle your roots in a new pot, but it will happen. Be patient too, because it may be a few months or even a year (yikes) before you really find your new friends. Even if you feel silly, just do it. You have to do what you have to do to adjust during this awkward phase. Get creative. Don’t be afraid to break out of your shell and do the things always wanted to do, even if you’re alone. Now is your time. Yoga worked for me. Music lessons? Dance class? Join a group that focuses on a cause you care about. Save the environment? Political activities? When one of my friends moved and was having hard time meeting people, she joined the “Save Darfur Coalition” and met some neat people to hang out with. If you are a creative person, join an improve troupe or something. Groups like this make fun buddies. It will happen for you. You just have to make an ongoing effort to put yourself out there.

A Choice to Abort

2010-06-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, right when I found out I was pregnant by him. He disappeared as soon as I gave him the news by voice mail. He will not answer nor return my calls, or even acknowledge my situation. I have decided to have an abortion. I’m not proud of it, but I’m not stable at all. I’m not willing to raise a child by myself. My family is treating me like I’m a screw up, and criticizing me for letting a loser get me pregnant. My sister won’t even talk to me. I know that when I get the abortion, they will hold it against me forever. This whole thing has been a nightmare, but they don’t understand what it’s like to be in my situation.
-Screwed Up

Dear Screwed Up (like we all have),
It's probably better to be diplomatic on this topic (with all the ugly politics involved). However, should you want to get technical, there are PLENTY of people who would be proud to offer you their support (including doctors). Whether you’re pro-life or pro-choice, there are some basic principles here that apply to everyone. Isn’t this whole life thing about the choices we make? Isn’t it OUR choice? Doesn’t everyone make choices they regret, or do things they aren’t proud of at one point or another? That’s not a matter of belief, that’s common sense. Everyone comes from somewhere different, so how can there be a one-size-fits-all solution to anything? What happened to forgiveness? You know, in a perfect world everyone would have 2 parents and be set up for life, but in THIS world people exist on every level of stability. You never know who you’re talking to, where they’ve been, or what they’re facing. It’s neither safe nor fair to assume anything about anyone. What then, gives people the right to judge situations they have never been in!?! I find it interesting that a majority of people opposing abortion, come from families where both Mother and Father were present throughout their life. How convenient. Not everyone has the means to raise a child on their own. Granted that there are many options to consider with unplanned pregnancy. If you wanted to give your newborn up for adoption, more power to you, but it's ultimately YOUR CHOICE. A lot of women have insurmountable hardships. Those who live in sheltered realities, can’t always imagine the hardship of those who are struggling. Some people’s expectations of other people’s circumstances are completely unreasonable and irrational. You are making one of the hardest choices that women are faced with. I know that must be hard, and the isolation from your family is painful. As if that wasn’t tough enough, you can’t turn to them for support. Then add it to the list that your boyfriend turned out to be a negligent, womanizing joke who abandoned you. He wont even answer your call. Look, you may have made some mistakes, but don’t we all? You didn’t get in this situation by yourself, nor expect your partner to abandon you. This could happen to anyone who has premarital sex (which is the majority), you were just unlucky. Some people will take every opportunity to spout their anti-abortion beliefs. Ironically, most of the people beating their chests about this have never been in a position to have to make such a painful decision. Good for them. How convenient. It must be nice. It’s always interesting when people who feel entitled to protest, have no actual life experience. What makes them so sure they wouldn’t do the same thing, if they were in your shoes? Who are they to decide? They will never know because they will never be in your shoes, and that’s exactly the point. To err is human. For every anti-abortion activist, there’s a counterpart group of pro-choice advocates to match them. Some will insist that abortion is murderous, shocking, and inhuman. Take these harsh words and judgments with a grain of salt, because not everyone sees it that way. Tap into the thousands upon thousands of women who have been in your shoes, and know what it’s like. Women are sometimes so attached to their own personal plans for babies; they fail to see that not everyone feels like they do. Well you don’t need a permission slip to disagree with them. IT’S YOUR CHOICE. The financial and emotional support that it requires to raise a child has to come from somewhere. It’s a shame on your family for kicking you when you’re down, or turning their backs on you as you go through this traumatic event. You may never gain the respect, forgiveness, or understanding of your family. Hopefully their love for you will overcome. You should know that there are millions of others walking with you on the matter. If you go through with the abortion, be your own friend by standing behind your decision and forgiving yourself. Forgiveness is an internal choice. People place abortion on different levels of the mistake making hierarchy. I told my friend who also “screwed up”, that I would still be her friend no matter what mistakes she made, because I too, am "mistaking". We all are. You will be alright. The fact that you don’t pop a kid out without thinking is a responsible decision in my opinion.

Rude Friends

2010-06-01T07:27:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend and I are very different, but we’re in love. He’s in finance, and I’m a student who waits tables. The problem is that I just don’t fit in with his friends at all. Any time I’m invited to hang out with them, I don’t enjoy myself. They are mainly successful business men, and I have nothing in common with any of them. They make me feel silly and unwanted. One of them is always rude. He will interrupt me when I talk like it's not important, or just plain ignore me. I feel he’s cocky and condescending, but my boyfriend gets along with him famously. My boyfriend says his friend is a “nice guy” and never wants to talk about it. Ugh!
-Awkward Girlfriend

Dear Awkward Girlfriend,
I think that differences can complement each other beautifully, and be healthy for a relationship. Social differences are OK too, as long as they’re respectful. It sounds like his friends have respect issues. This is the stuff that comedic movies are made of. If you’re struggling to fit into your boyfriends’ circle of arrogant friends, then I’d say to stop trying. You go to his social events out of respect for him. His friends come with the package, but you don’t have to put up with them if they're going to be jerks. You need friends of your own. If your boyfriend respects you, he should listen and care how his arrogant friends are making you feel… unless he wants to snuggle up to them at night. You can explain to him that they treat you differently than they treat him. You are not one of the guys. Some of his friends may be selfish and want him all to themselves. Friends, who have known each other for a long time, naturally regress when they get together. Sometimes they are territorial. This is immature, and they should get a life. Do they not have girlfriends of their own? They definitely make you appreciate your own friends, all the more. You are not obligated to mesh with them. Set some guidelines for yourself: make an appearance only when absolutely necessary, smile, wave, be polite and courteous... then roll your eyes and promptly down a glass of champagne. Just kidding! (I have used this tactic before) Whether it’s that they personally dislike you, or just don’t want girlfriends around, boys will be boys. Men on the other hand, take charge and make their lady feel special and like she is a priority. His friends may feel threatened by you because you are the new woman in his life. Well that’s too bad for them. A huge part of growing up is becoming independent. People who never break away from immature associations, don’t really grow. If you can’t be in his social circle without getting upset or offended, then don’t be. It’s that simple. Stop going. Let him have his guy time, while you do other things. Your world doesn’t evolve around him and it definitely doesn’t have to encompass jerks. You have better things to do than hang out with his cocky pals, especially if they act like they don’t want you there. Do you think you’re silly? Don’t let them belittle you or make you feel insignificant. You are special to your boyfriend, and that’s whose opinion matters. Imagine they are like coworkers you have to interact with, but not necessarily like. Be above the situation by letting it roll off your shoulders. If they are being rude or obnoxious, then feel free to give them back what they dish out, or suddenly have somewhere to be. Your boyfriend will get the point. Sometimes this is more effective than being direct, when your boyfriend is in denial that his friends are assholes. You may find they respect you more if you’re not around as much, but you don’t have to win their approval. Take an assertive stance. Some guys like to see how far they can push your buttons. You didn’t join a fraternity when you started dating your boyfriend. You are not subject to an initiation process of his friends’ approval. I used to not get along with one of my husband’s friends, but I eventually won him over by not giving a d@mn. If you and your boyfriend are going to be serious about each other, then that (should) change. Your life together will become more and more about the two of you, and less and less about him and his friends. This may take some time to develop, but in a good relationship, a couple shares respect each other. You should be just as much into your own friends and hobbies as he is. If someone is being rude to you, that should be unacceptable to your boyfriend. Imagine if these guys were in his family! Say his brother was one of these rude friends; then they’d be even harder to avoid. Many people can’t stand their husbands families. Be glad you are not in that position. Thank goodness these are just guys who your boyfriend shares common interests with. That could always change (like life often does). Sure, he can keep his friends around in his back pocket, but you don’t have to be a part of it. If you sense that he answers to them, then that’s a bigger issue that needs to be addressed. Keep your time with these people to a minimum. It’s really their insecurities causing them to treat you the way they do.

Alcoholic Friend

2010-05-31T11:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My friend has a drinking problem. I really like my friend when she’s sober, but I can’t stand her when she’s drunk. I want nothing to do with her the minute she orders a drink, because I know she will not be able to have just one. She always exceeds her limits, and it’s embarrassing. I think this is distasteful and rude. I'm not trying to lose a friend, but I don’t know how to handle her when she gets like that.

-The Sober One

Dear Sober One,
Is this a recent habit of your friend? Or has she always been a drinker? Maybe it’s just a phase she’s going through, or maybe she’s got some deep issues she hasn’t worked out. Perhaps your friend’s drinking habits were tolerable before, but now they’re reaching new heights. If she is going through a hard time, then this is a really bad way of coping with it. She may need to talk to someone, but you are not obligated to be her therapist. Out of concern as her friend, it would be acceptable for you to tell her she has a problem. Confront your friend in a way that you are comfortable. Suggest making plans anywhere BUT a bar or restaurant where alcohol is accessible. Explain that excessive drinking is terribly unhealthy, and that you are worried about her well being. If she doesn’t appreciate your concern, then that’s too bad. She is putting you in a bad position with her intolerable conduct. You’re right; it’s distasteful, rude, and unfair to you, as well as herself. She needs to have more respect for herself, as well as you. Some people cannot have a drink without killing the entire bottle. If one drink immediately exceeds another, and soon your friend is inebriated, then stop hanging out with her. If that’s all she wants to do, then she is free to carry on without you. This is not a past time that you wish to par take in. If she is going to behave that way, then you are not obligated to keep her company. It’s good to take some responsibility for the people you care about, but at some point they have to help themselves. You can try to help, but if she doesn’t do the foot work, then your case is closed. Your friend has the same problem that many dysfunctional people have. Let me remind you that alcoholism is classified as a clinical disease. Many alcoholics will shut themselves off from their support systems, because they don’t want to be told that what they’re doing is unacceptable. This isolation combined with drinking associations, sets them up for disaster. Passivity towards this behavior sends the message that it is acceptable. Your friend needs an intervention, but ultimately no one can make her change if she insists on not taking care of herself. She has to want to change. Maybe you can try reaching out to her family and letting them know what she has been up to… If you confront her about her problem and she doesn’t take action to fix it, then the problem is out of your hands. It’s very hard to overcome this harmful addiction without professional help. It starts with a realization of the problem, followed by an acknowledgment that you have it, and a desire to change. It is not your job to become her personally life coach. You are her friend, and in being that you must bring it to her attention. You do not support her killing her liver and drowning her life in a bottle of booze(among other things). Tell her what she is doing to herself, her reputation, her body, her life, and how it makes you feel. Some people just choose to throw their lives away, but you don’t have to continue to associate with people who make poor decisions. Once you have tried to help, it is up to her. You don’t have to subject yourself to the humiliation she causes with her irresponsibility. Sometimes a friendship is better off frozen in time as a memory. People change for better, and sometimes for worse, but you can’t hold someone’s entire world up. They have to take action or else it becomes unhealthy for you. This is a dark path she has chosen to go down, and that is her choice. When a ship is sinking, it may drag you down with it...

Naming the Baby

2010-05-28T08:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My wife and I are about to give birth to our second child. Since I named the first one, we agreed that my wife would name the second. The problem is that my wife is set on a particular name for the baby, which also happens to be the name of her X-boyfriend. Prior to our marriage, my wife was in a serious relationship with a guy from college whom she almost married. I am very bothered that she wants to name our child after him. She insists that she has always loved that name even before knowing him. I can’t help but feel there is some sort of sentimental attachment with the name connected to her X. Am I being unfair by asking her to pick another name?
-Soon to be Father

Dear Soon to be Father,
Firstly, congratulations on a second baby! This is an exciting time for everyone in your family, and a time for adjustment to change. Not to mention that your first born will now have to share mom and dad with a sibling. “What’s in a name, that which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet…?” Even though you both agreed to let your wife name your second child, the fact is that marriage is a team effort. You may have thought of the name the first time, but your wife agreed to it. Therefore, I think it's only fair that you permit her to suggest names this time (as you did the first time), but that you AGREE on one. Let her to come up with the options, but you have to agree. After all, it takes two to make a baby (in most cases). Marriage is a partnership in every direction, so no; I do not think it's unfair of you to ask her to pick another name, granted you feel the way you do about it. Here's a story to consider though... A friend of mine had a family member whom had done time in prison. Let’s call him “Lou”. She couldn’t stand Lou nor want anything to do with him. When she began dating, she would often meet men named Lou, and take that as a sign that they were wrong for her because she loathed her relative so much. However, one of her colleagues was named Lou, and she was unable to run away from him because she had to see him on a daily basis. He turned out to be one of the nicest and most decent men she knew. Today, they are dating. To think that her boyfriend shares the same name as a person she spent her life loathing is remarkable. There are different ways to look at it. Perhaps she would have preferred to shun that tainted name from her lips for all eternity? Or maybe she was willing to give the name a chance to take on a new meaning? In her case, one Lou replaced another. I assure you that if you do decide to go with the name your wife insists on, and when your son is born, he will become an individual apart from your wife’s X-boyfriend. He will be his own person, giving new life to a name you once disliked for personal reasons. Remember the fact that your wife picked you, not her X. You are her Romeo. I would push the idea of compromising on a similar but different name (if she likes it so much). Definitely explain to your wife how her decision makes you feel, if you haven’t already. Like you always hear; communication is key. She should listen with open ears and respect your feelings about it. I don’t know the details of her history with her X, but is it possible that these feelings are stemming from a current trust issue? It sounds like you are concerned that your wife still harbors feelings for her X. If so, you need to address that and work on it particularly. This could have something to do with the faith you have in your wife, or be feeding an insecurity you have with her past. In the aftermath, whoever your baby will be, he will be a new person all his own!

Long Distance Friends

2010-05-27T07:29:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My best friend and I used to do everything together. We've been friends for 6 years. We used to exercise, have sleepovers, lunch dates, and I'd stay at her place when she went away. Then I met someone special and moved to another state to be with him. That’s when my best friend and I became phone buddies. It's been over a year now and my boyfriend and I are great, but my friend has stopped answering my calls. It’s like we’re not friends any more. Call me crazy, but it seems like she doesn’t want to talk to me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m in a relationship and she’s not?!? Or if she just feels like it’s a waste of time. I’m trying to maintain our friendship but don't understand.

-Friendless

Dear Friendless,
Refer to the expression “out of sight, out of mind”, which I feel applies to your situation. Some people are impossible to keep in touch with unless you are in front of them on a daily basis. People can be surprising with how easily they fall off the face of the planet. It’s also effortless to get caught up with your own life and lose track of time or people you were once inseparable with. Life is always changing. Today we have so many options at our finger tips that make it very easy for us to stay connected. When someone you were close to don’t utilize those tools, you naturally feel hurt. What excuse do they have? I would hope that if I moved away, my friends would take advantage of options like Skype to stay in touch. If they didn’t, I would feel forgotten too. However, granted that you are in a relationship and your friend is not, I would say you have lost some common ground. You have changed. You used to be single and had a lot of time to commit to this friendship. Over time, you met someone who took priority over your friend that essentially led to your relocation, and now you are nothing more than a voice over the phone. To make matters worse, you are in a good relationship which your friend cannot currently relate to, so when you talk, it’s about that. Even if she has been in relationships before, the fact that she is not in one currently would make it hard for her to relate to you. You are on different pages. It’s possible that your friend felt abandoned by you, or became depressed after you moved away. I would say that loss affected her negatively whether she acknowledged it or not. She may be happy for you, but simply not on the same page as you anymore. It’s up to you to keep this relationship going, because it seems she has moved on. Try sending her a transcendent card, and reminding her how much you miss her and how special of a friend she really is to you. If you reach out and open the lines of communication, she will not forget you. Then one day she may realize that your friendship went deeper than just having a fun time. You have to make the effort though and try to focus on things you have in common. Keep an open mind. People stick with associations they relate to. Married couples are often friends with other married couples. It’s also important to have balance in your life, so make sure you’re not devoting everything you’ve got solely to your boyfriend. That can really sabotage a friendship. Long distance friendships are an impossible adjustment for some people to make, when they are used to regular visits. You once fulfilled a need that you no longer do. Women bond easily and it’s easy to replace friendships with food, hobbies, work, or even other friends. If you do not want to lose this friendship, then don’t give up. It’s also not likely she will stay single forever, so when she does meet someone, she may feel like she can suddenly connect with you again. Patience. Life is always shifting. She will come around again.

Cat Person

2010-05-26T10:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,

My girlfriend and I have been together for quite some time now. In the beginning of our relationship I pushed us to adopt a kitten. At the adoption agency, we fell in love with an adorable little kitten. As we were about to leave, another bigger kitten caught her eye and we decided to adopt the pair. The little one is by far more dominant, despite his size. Often times he torments the bigger one by wrestling with him or biting his tail. We do our best to defend him, but we can't be there all the time. Recently, to my horror, my girlfriend suggested we ship the bigger one off to some little old lady that better suits his sleepy eyed personality. Instead of disciplining the bad one or separating the two for a "time out", she preferred to just get ride of the poor lad. I was shocked to discover that she would abandon the very kitten she had picked out just because his world wasn't perfect. Well, that is just unbelievable to me - I love them both and I have a responsibility to keep them healthy and happy. I am so torn. PLEASE HELP!!!!

-Cat Lover

Dear Cat Lover,

I would like to start by telling you to forget your girlfriend, and date me instead. Just kidding. Instead, I will say that I’m so impressed with how sweet and caring you are. I am tickled by your concern. Your integrity and devotion is astonishing. You are incredibly responsible too! My assumption is that you are sensitive to others and care very deeply about those around you. Loyalty is a truly golden quality that every woman dreams of finding in a man, but very few do. I’d say your girlfriend struck gold with you. The question is how? Did she come by it naturally? Was it an accidental discovery? Or was she DIGGING for it? There are all kinds of women out there. Let’s hope your girlfriend is appreciative and deserving of what she has. As for your feline dilemma, it sounds like both you and your girlfriend are “cat people”. Some people are not, and don't give a hoot about the animals. If you and your mate are however, it’s a wonderful compatibility. I can personally relate to your situation, because I have to monitor my cats all the time. One of my cats is a menace and knows when he is being naughty. He will wait until I’m not looking to pester my other, more docile cat. In fact, my troublemaker cat is patronizing my passive cat (while he’s trying to nap) as we speak. They mature and calm down as they get older, but they are like children. Their personalities develop over time. There are many possibilities and things to consider which may help explain what lead to your girlfriends bothersome suggestion. Assuming you live together, one person might provide financially, while the other does more of the footwork. I would just suggest to acknowledge that this is a team effort, granted that it is. Here's an eterntaining thought: do you happen to play favorites? If so, is this could cause many repercussions. For instance, is this particular cat you are concerned about “the favorite” for you? This could be a case of favoritism rivalry. Perhaps your girlfriend is jealous of this cat and wants to be the favorite again? Then there’s the possibility that the other cat is jealous that you favor this one, and has charmed (brainwashed or manipulated) your girlfriend to have him removed!?! Sometimes we are working for our cats and don’t even know it... those clever little devils. Realistically, you should take it into consideration that your girlfriend was simply trying to come up with a solution for the better interest of the cat. She probably didn’t intend to “abandon” him, but was just thinking out loud. This was her impromptu expression for concern about his discomfort. I don’t think you should take it so seriously. I think his well being is important to both of you, but your girlfriends’ suggestion is bothersome because you feel she is abandoning him. Even without knowing your girlfriend, I don’t think that’s the case despite how it sounded. Your girlfriend probably does not want to abandon the cat, but rather make him happy. This is sweet. Perhaps she thought for a moment that this was like sending him to college, now that he is grown (and seems unhappy). Maybe she wants him to have a better life? You know, you can still be a “cat person” even if you are allergic to them. I have a friend who insist on having a cat, despite her allergies. Is your girlfriend allergic to cats by any chance? If so, this would make it easier for her to detach herself from said creature. Pet allergies can become absolutely debilitating and unbearable for the daily functioning of some people. Perhaps she was just thinking of everyone's health mentally and physically, but didn't really mean it? You are very sweet, but don’t forget your priorities. If your girlfriend and 2 cats were all drowning, who would you save? If you answer: ”I would probably die trying to save them all”, then you’ve got a problem. A cat is a wonderful and irreplaceable companion, but it is an ANIMAL and is incomparable to human companionship. Maybe your girlfriend is feeling underappreciated lately? Some people go a little nutty over their pets. I know a girl whom was told to sleep on the couch because her boyfriend's dog was more comfortable on the bed! That was the end of that relationship. Also, if you happen to walk on the bathroom rug when it has been freshly cleaned, that might also cause your girlfriend to lash out on the cat. You may want to stop that. Just kidding. Finally, is it possible that your girlfriend has a history with feline pets? People often become so attached to their pets, that they form a bond similar to that of parents and children. This emotional connection is devastated with the passing of a pet, and a person may feel apprehensive to get close again to another animal, for fear of that same devastation. You will most likely outlive your pets, and that is a loss unlike any other (if you don’t have children). You sound like you would make an excellent Father. Maybe you should get married and have children? Unless of course, you feel your girlfriend does not deserve you, or you don’t want to marry her, in which case you should break it off as soon as possible. If there is an issue of your girlfriend being unable to reproduce, there is always adoption. Just like you adopted your cats, you would bond and feel even stronger for a little person. Imagine the possibilities…

Craigslist: Anarchy Gone Wild

2010-05-25T06:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I have always relied on Craigslist for everything. It used to be reliable for jobs and apartments but lately it has been one scam after the other. I can’t believe how many posts I have replied to have turned out to be scams! Craigslist was my #1 resource, but it doesn’t work anymore. I read your letter about the endless job hunt, which reminded me of how disappointing Craigslist has been for me personally too. I’m not sure what people will replace it with.
-Unlisted

Dear Unlisted,
Everything you say is true. Craigslist had a go for a while, but it has gone down the tubes because it is poorly organized. Reports of Craigslist disappointing people across the globe have even been featured on the news. It is now being identified (by me) as more of a Craplist. Sites like Facebook and Linkedin are excellent replacements for the Craigslist we used to know. There is no anonymity on those sites, as you can validate who is posting something. Linkedin is great for jobs and has the same concept of confirming & identifying contacts. In terms of universal search engines for your area, Globallistings.org is a good one. Blockwild.com is another decent new site trying to get started. Twitter has also taken off on several platforms. It’s annoying to have to keep up with the ever changing trends of online navigation, but that’s the high tech world we live in. The problem with Craigslist which has essentially warn it down over time, is that it anybody and everybody can post anonymously. This opens the door to endless possibilities as all the freaks, creeps, and perverts come out of the woodwork to take advantage. When you give this kind of freedom to site visitors, you allow anyone to be a user. Anyone can be whoever they want to be or claim to be. There’s no demand for validation. You may have found legitimate and intelligible posts suddenly vanished. Anyone can flag anything and have it removed. This includes competitors or people who are just out to sabotage for any personal reason. Eventually all the genuine and valid posts are weeded out or sabotaged, until we are left with the flakey, trashy, perverted, amateur, and con artists. This is how Craigslist became an Anarchy gone wild. We need a new “list” to take over and learn from Craig’s mistakes. When you don’t do a good job of filtering out garbage, new networking sites will dance on your grave.

Moving to NYC

2010-05-24T15:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I want to move to NYC but I haven’t found an apartment. I don’t mind having a roommate if I have to, but I don’t know of anyone there. Everyone always tells me how it’s expensive, so I’m preparing to pay but I don’t know where to start. Please help!
-Dreaming of NYC

Dear Dreaming of NYC,
What a lovely dream to have. However, I sigh at the memory of what many of my friends and I have gone through. Apartment hunting in NYC is a hefty undertaking, resulting in paying a hefty price. Websites will direct you to other websites, where you can find listings for tenant seekers, but all of them are a mystery. Agencies will charge you outrageous fees. Craigslist is becoming notorious for its large volume of freaks, creeps, and perverts. Alert the media if you find someone legitimate on there. What resources do we have any more? Beyond Facebook or a good old fashioned referral by a friend, you are best to “network” on foot and personally find something that works for you. This will be time consuming though. You must grasp that New York is sophisticated in every way possible, on a whole new level than what you may be used to. Even the insanity of New York is sophisticated. You have to be careful. The truth is that everything is done very quickly here. If you’ve ever heard the phrase “in a New York minute”, it’s not just a cute bluff. If/when you do find something, they will most likely ask you when you can move in, meaning that week. Most people are looking for someone immediately, who will pay up front. There are 25 people in line behind you ready to take your place. Some tenants will conduct a group interview and then select a few final candidates to choose from. They will insist they don't discriminate, but of course their decisions are bias based on personal compatibility. It’s like finding a job. If you can afford the luxury of living alone in Manhattan then that would probably mean you are somewhat well off. On average, a small studio apartment in a sketchy neighborhood in Manhattan (Washington Heights, Harlem, Inwood) runs at about $1000 per month. If you want a small studio in a decent neighborhood in Manhattan (Upper West Side, Upper East Side, Lower East Side), you’re looking at $1200 starting price, and that’s a deal! Now if you want to be fancy (Gramercy, Midtown, Soho, East Village, Chelsea, Tribeca, Greenwich Village), we’re talking about maybe $3000 per month and that's still a small studio. Fuggetaboutit. People talk about it because it truly is one of the most hyper expensive cities in the world. It seems like everybody wants to live here at one point or another. Think of it in terms of a population demographic alone. In 2008 the top cities were: NYC- 8,363,710, Los Angeles- 3,833,995, Chicago- 2,853,114 Houston- 2,242,193 and Phoenix- 1,567,924. Those have obviously grown over the past couple years, but as you can see there is no comparison. NYC is BY FAR the most densely populated city in the country. More people; more EVERYTHING. Not to mention that you will pay out the roof for a VERY SMALL space. People feel this is a compromise worth making in return for living in one of the greatest cities of all, with the world at your finger tips. It’s very ambitious to try and settle your roots here, without having any connections. However, most people here are from somewhere else. People do it, so it’s not impossible granted your will is strong. There are plenty of native New Yorkers scattered throughout the island, but many have set up shop in the outskirts of Manhattan. People do really well in Brooklyn and some parts of Queens, but certain neighborhoods can be just as pricey as Manhattan. Williamsburg & Park Slope, Brooklyn as well as Astoria or Sunnyside, Queens are popular picks for new comers. They are younger and more hip neighborhoods. You may have to move around a bit before you get situated. I don’t know what your plans for coming here are, but granted you plan to work; it would help if you had something lined up first. Find an organization to be a part of, like an improve troupe or cast (if you are in the arts). Otherwise, try to find a job of some sort beforehand. That way you might get direction from your future colleagues or cast mates. Be prepared to stress about money in ways you never did before, unless money is not an issue for you (which isn't for some New Yorkers). This is all part of the hard, cold, yet beautiful realities of our truly marvelous metropolis. New York is a living multicultural epicenter of the universe. You know what they say; it’s the city of dreams waiting to spit you out, or swallow you whole. You just have to find what works for you. I know people who came here on money they didn’t have and sold Broadway tickets in the streets to support themselves until they got settled. I also know people who practically had a loft apartment on Park Avenue handed to them on a silver platter fresh out of College. There are a lot resources here, and money, but there are also a lot of homeless people. It’s the extreme of everything. You have to play your cards right and be wise about it. The competition is stiff and if you like to compete you might come out on top, but there is an element of luck too. If you really want to be prepared, I would say to come and spend a sufficient amount of time here first. You can find a sublet or a hostel that allows you to pay by the week for your visit. This way you can explore, meet people, get comfortable, find work, etc. Every neighborhood has its own charm. You may feel the pressure of rushing this when you arrive, but try not to let it consume you. Everyone is on a mission. Establishing a new life in the Big Apple is not easily explained in one of my ranting paragraphs. I wish you luck. Don’t forget to breathe when you are your neck deep in the chaos. If you can make it here…

Endless Job Hunt

2010-05-23T11:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I can’t find a job! I lost my job several months ago and have been out of work since. I’m in marketing but considered being a waitress to make ends meet. Every time I go to an interview, there are about 30 other candidates waiting in line, or even worse, it’s a group meeting. I’m so frustrated. I have been pursuing a job that I really want, but the interview process has continued on for 2 months now. I still don’t know if I’m hired or not. I don’t know what I’m going to do!
-Desperately Seeking Employment

Dear Desperately Seeking Employment,
People may feel that they are all in the same boat here, but the boat is small and running out of room! The Bureau of Labor Statistics reported this month that the current unemployment rate of household persons is up to 9.9 %! Some states have an unemployment rate as high as 9.6 (Michigan). In NY it’s up to 6.1 and most states fall somewhere in between, but this is serious and not to be taken lightly. Some feel it has become a global crisis, but this is definitely the most talked about issue in America to date. We are far from improvement too. Former Clinton Labor Secretary Robert Reich wrote “many outsourced jobs will never return, and median income will likely continue to fall as it did during the last so-called recovery.” CNBC reporter Rick Santelli states; “I'm assuming the economy is going to be mediocre for many years, three to five, meaning 2 percent to 3 percent growth is going to be good. If it gets better than that, I think interest rates will rush up much more aggressively in 2011.” Even teenagers are discovering there are no jobs to be found. Everyone is suffering right now (save for lifestyles of the lavishly unscathed). For working class people, this has become a rather desperate situation on a NATIONAL scale. People report that they’ve applied for hundreds of online jobs without even receiving a response, or “thank you for applying but…” Some have gone to great lengths, like Chris Adams in Sacramento, CA who stands on a street corner in a suit and tie with a sign that says “Hire me”. Another man became homeless after being laid off from an IT position 19 months ago at a major software company. He is able to live off of his frequent flier miles by budgeting $5 a day for food, and looking for hotels with free breakfasts. He must have traveled a lot to rack up those points! Census jobs had more competition than ever this year too, with everyone from the legal field to former medical staff in the running. As you can see, our current unemployment is like a bowl of soup that spilled in the fridge; pouring onto everything and now it's all soiled. How disastrous. An “economy” by Wiki definition is “the end result of a process that involves its technological evolution, history and social organization, as well as its geography, natural resource endowment, and ecology, as main factors.” It takes forever to build and when it crashes, you’ve got a real mess on your hands. Incapacitating unemployment is to follow. As for your personal situation, some employers are MAJORLY taking advantage of job hunters right now.. A friend of mine who was laid off also began pursuing a job which was stretched out for a couple months. After all she went through, she was finally given the “offer” to work the job for 2 weeks FOR FREE, before the company officially decided who was the best candidate! It’s unbelievable. It is not fair nor right, because you are at their mercy. You may decide that your dignity is more important than being a puppet on a string. Good for you! If you are at a breaking point, then I see no harm in straight forward questions; “I’m unclear whether I have been employed by you or not.” A boss that strings you along in an interview is also not going to be any fun to work for. You don’t know whether to continue your job search or end it, so they should be up front with you. I know, I know. You are probably following all the right steps to get hired, but there are quadruple the amount of applicants. One of my friends started making personalized greeting cards to try and charm prospective employers. She still hasn’t gotten any bites yet! People are finding they have to work extremely hard to stand out and get noticed in ways they never did before. People who always had job security before, are now experiencing the loss of financial stability. It’s scary when you are completely rattled by surprise unemployment topped with a national crisis. These cold realities are hard for Americans, but they build character. I think you are doing the absolute right thing by taking a waitress gig (if you can find one!). You do what you have to do when times are tough. That’s just it. I know it’s a shock that you find yourself in this situation, but life is not perfect the way we have been conditioned to believe it is. Our modern society has made life easy for us, but it is not flawless. After all, aren't we just creatures inhabiting a wild planet? This is a time for many Americans to reassess themselves. Maybe your life is leading you in another direction, on a large scale. I don’t think anyone has the answer to fix this problem, because it is bigger than you and me. Just keep trying to get creative and hopefully you will score. Don’t take any crap, but assert yourself politely. You can only do so much, and then you just pray! This too shall pass.

Adult Sibling Rivalry

2010-05-22T08:06:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My mom and I have always been close. I have 3 older sisters whom I’m not close with, but this doesn’t affect my bond with my mom. We talk all the time. Lately my mom has been pressing the issue of a family gathering. My older sisters and I have always been very different and don’t really get along. I usually excuse myself from visiting any of them because I live in a different state and my job doesn’t allow me a lot of vacation time. The problem is that my mom really wants us to all get together. I really don’t like being around my older sisters because of how they make me feel, but I want to please my mother. I also don’t want to hurt their feelings by telling them how I feel. I’m not sure what the right thing to do is.
-Momma’s Girl

Dear Momma’s Girl,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you should allow yourself to keep avoiding them and bypassing all family events.
B) Maybe you were thinking “why couldn’t I have brothers”?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that it’s your right to talk to your family about how they make you feel.
D) I don’t think you are in denial about anything here… except that your sisters don’t respect you.
E) Maybe you weren’t aware that as an adult, you’re entitled to voice yourself to your sisters if they’re treating you poorly, because you deserve respect whether they like it or not.
It’s sweet of you be so considerate of their feelings, but ask yourself why? They apparently don’t worry about how they make you feel. Adult sibling rivalry is a drag. Sometimes the baby in the family has it easy because they tend to get special treatment and the older siblings take on a protective role, but not in your case. It would be big of you to put your feelings aside for your mom’s sake, because eventually there will be a wedding or baby shower (if there hasn’t been already), or God forbid a funeral. You will inevitably be stuck in the same room together at some point. When we are around family, we tend to regress because of our childhood history. The fact that you and your mom are so close perhaps makes them feel jealous that you are the favorite. This is a common issue that exists on different levels. An abundance of estrogen can be a good or bad thing in families. Not everyone is like Little Women. That’s not to say the dynamics would be any different if you had brothers instead. Perhaps there are some blame games and competition going on among them. You should accept that you can’t turn to your sisters for support, because you are most not likely going to get any. Come to terms with this fact and look for support elsewhere. Not everyone has a supportive family. There are plenty of dysfunctional families out there, doing more damage than good, which is unfortunate. You have to work with what you have, but only to an extent. What you DON’T have to do, is keep taking people’s abusive treatment. Don’t allow them to make you feel this way anymore. Stop them by asserting yourself when it happens, and flat out explaining why you avoid family gatherings. You have every right to tell them why you’ve chosen not to see them regularly. They will either accept it, or pile on the hill of stones they are ready to throw at you. You are all adults now, so they are responsible for behaving as such. Some people want to use their younger sibling as a whipping post for the rest of eternity, but that’s not your job. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Throw the “blood is thicker than water” reasoning right out the window because it doesn’t always apply. Blood is thicker in many cases, but in some cases water is a cleaner option. Some families are horrible to each other. Try to work with it in an adult fashion, without taking their comments too personally. Based on how bad you have it, I would say to weigh out the situation as something workable or unhealthy. You may find them ridiculous and unable to break old habits, in which case you must practice some empowerment and cut the cord. It doesn’t sound like something you want to do, but some people have to demand respect in their families or walk away. You don’t have to answer to them. This could be a healthy option for you if you fell they are very emotionally abusive. You don’t need to carry that kind of weight around in your life. A major study done in the 90s, showed that 1/3 of the adult population described their sibling relations as distant rivalry. Your family is supposed to support you, not hurt you. Some siblings are just frozen in old habits and sometimes it’s just a loss cause. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be, but it is what it is. We are all just people in a crazy world any ways. Life is hard enough. I say voice yourself and be heard loud and clear. If you are disappointed by their response, move on from their burden. I also think you have valid excuses however to be missing these events, which adults should understand. Yes, family should be made a priority, but perhaps THEY are in denial about the reality of this sh!tty situation, and how little they respect you. One day you can build your own family.

Eating Stress Away

2010-05-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I have a very stressful job. I feel like I’m working all the time but I have to pay my bills. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to support myself living alone in this beautiful apartment, which is very nice. I feel like I can’t afford the time to enjoy the things that I work so hard to pay for. I'm always stressed out. I exercise, but I find that when things get really stressful, I tend to eat. I can’t help it. I find myself curled up on the couch with ice cream, chips, popcorn or cookies most nights. I didn’t used to be like this, but now I’m gaining weight from it. I just keep eating. I don’t know how to stop. I am miserable.
-Stress Eater

Dear Stress Eater,
“All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy” x 1,000,000 -Jack Nicholson, The Shining. Given the fact that you are probably not mentally ill, neither being possessed by a homicidal ghost, nor living in an abandoned Hotel in the Mountains, you will probably never amount to such extreme levels of insanity. I do think that you need some balance in your life though, or you will go nutty. You admitted it; you eat your way through stress. Research binge eating. There's plenty of information and support out there for you. Comfort food cravings are increased with stress. Eating sugary carbs elevates more sugary carb cravings. Welcome to one of the most common weight gain issues of the century. If you’re going to be impulsive about something, it would behoove you to condition yourself to like something healthy and productive for your body. There's this song and dance; when you exercise, you release positive endorphins in your body (which is like taking a shot of happiness). Why not turn this into a 2 for 1 deal? Food is not the enemy, but it effects your physical appearance. You must replace this habit with a hobby, and preferably an active one. Give yourself rewards for being "good", but learn to like healthier options. If you insist on being lazy, then simply make the adjustment of closing the kitchen at 7PM and only eating bad early in the day. An “everything in moderation” axiom must be put into effect. Maybe you can start walking those cravings away? Buy a bike? Journalize? Clean? Paint? Do improv.? Help someone in need? Different kinds of yoga are famous for helping people feel centered. Music has healing powers too. It sounds like you have some depression going on, whether it’s something you are prone to, clinical, or just episodic. Some people go on meds, other people want nothing to do with them. Some depression is just situational and goes away when things change or get better. Other times it’s more serious. Not everyone can afford therapy nor wants it. It’s hard to dig yourself out of a rut, but by empowering yourself, you will feel your mood lifted. You’re doing the right thing by reaching out online for support. It’s unfortunate when your personal life lacks that, but it’s a reality for many. Not everyone is a social butterfly by nature and not everyone has a rock star support system to turn to. Here’s a thought; activities can lead to friends. Friends offer support. Who knows the possibilities therein… The stress vs. depression and comfort eating is a cycle I have battled with myself. Believe me; I am with you on this challenge. I used to eat chocolate whenever I was stressed. That adds up over time, and I became more “round”. I eventually didn’t know whose caboose that was in the mirror. It didn’t look like mine. I had to condition myself to enjoy taking walks instead. I had to retrain myself not to eat when I wasn’t hungry, and when I was, to eat for nutrition. Sometimes you don’t want to leave your apartment because you just want to be alone, but you can go for a walk without engaging people. Get lost in your own solitude and tune everyone out. Be in your own little world. It’s fun and it’s your right. It can be very therapeutic to spend alone time somewhere tranquil. If you’re in NYC, there’s not a lot of space like that beyond Central Park, but you should seek nature one way or another. That’s something people who live in really big cities can become deprived of. I believe that’s one thing that makes some New Yorkers absolutely miserable. We need nature and we should seek it from time to time. Last but not least, you may want to step back and re-evaluate your ideals. Is it more important to have nice things and pay a fortune for luxuries you can never afford the time to use? Or would you maybe be happier with a down sized apartment, less demanding job, more hobbies, and a personal life (maybe even a reasonable roommate too)? The choice is yours… what is life about anyways?

Traveling Boyfriend

2010-05-21T08:51:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My boyfriend has a financially stable job that requires him to travel. I think he will make an excellent and supportive husband one day, but it makes me very nervous that he travels. Every time he leaves, I feel anxiety and go into a panic. I worry that he is going to meet someone. He could do anything he wanted and how would I ever know? I always picture him being alone in a foreign city when some beautiful and lonely woman shows up and wants his company. I’m a mess when he goes away. I don’t know what to do.
- Left Behind

Dear Left Behind,
A) Maybe you want to hear that you are right and should be worried?
B) Maybe you already thought you are right and should be worried?
C) Maybe you don’t want to hear that you should work on this relationship, and dealing with the fact that your traveling boyfriend feeds your insecurities, as well as abandonment issues?
D) Maybe you are in denial that it’s possible you have nothing to worry about because he is an honest and faithful man?
E) Maybe you suspect he secretly likes traveling without you and it's perks, because it gives him a chance to meet women on the side?
F) Maybe you haven’t considered that not all traveling men want to have foreign affairs?
In more ways than one his traveling makes you nervous. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but you must figure out where this is really stemming from. When a spouse travels, you should be able to preoccupy yourself with other things. This is your "me time". It would be special if you could designate a trip for the two of you. That would give you something to look forward to. This is a part of his life you don’t get to share with him. Although it’s temporary when he goes away, no one enters into a relationship saying “I can’t wait to NOT share my life with you”. You may want to remind yourself that he is coming back. He should respect this as a sensitive subject, but you should consider your circumstances in order to figure out where your anxiety about it is really coming from. Is it a rational place? Or is it an irrational place? I remind you that he HAS to travel FOR WORK. What reason do you really have to be concerned? Is it something he did? Does he show signs of having a wandering eye? Do you think he is dissatisfied with you personally? Has he broken your trust before? If so, this is a simple trust issue which could be a big problem. Have you discussed it openly? Does your universe evolve around him? Is it possible that the Hollywood-ization of a traveling husband having a steamy affair with a femme fatale every chance he gets, has gotten the best of you? Film and television are tremendously influential. This is a recurring theme; therefore it feeds our fears as men and women in relationships. The effect of explicit extramarital sexuality in film has been negative. We have been somewhat brainwashed by film and television to worry about these things. We buy into their possibilities. Hollywood gives us characters that as a contemporary audience, we find plausible. This is worrisome when movies about extramarital affairs are a popular topic, but the exploitation of it is simply for dramatized and juicy entertainment to the masses. The reality is that it’s unlikely that a beautiful and exotic woman will be conveniently placed in the presence of your traveling man (thanks to the casting by so and so producer). Consider the possibility that your worrying has nothing to do with him. Did something happen to you when you were growing up which gave you abandonment issues? You may want to assess your past. I’m sorry this is hard for you, and in some ways the fact that he travels is not compatible with your personal issues. Compatibility is tough. We’re never going to find someone who is our absolute 100% perfect mold, but it’s good to weigh the pros and cons. Hopefully he is also your friend, on top of being your lover, and you can talk it out and work through it together. I believe your deepest fear here is that you will wake up one day to discover you are living in a lie and that you have been betrayed. That is not the way the story goes for everyone who has a traveling spouse though. There are honest people in the world. You may want to help yourself by researching your abandonment issues. It’s safe to say you have them, and that’s OK. People do. If you decide this relationship is not for you, then I will believe it was for reasons other than just his traveling.

"I'm in Love with my Friend"

2010-05-19T17:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I am in love with my friend and she doesn’t know. We hang out all the time and tell each other everything, but whenever she talks about other guys, I secretly get jealous. I want to tell her so badly how I feel sometimes, but I’m afraid of how she will react. I don’t want to lose her as a friend if she doesn’t feel the same way. I had the urge to kiss her last time we hung out, but I didn’t. I don’t know what to do because my feelings grow all the time. Should I tell her? If so, how?
-Longing for Her Love

Dear Longing for her Love,
Wow, you sound like a true romantic. It’s not every day that we “meet” a man so passionate. You are an absolute diamond and she would be a very lucky girl, to have you as a boyfriend. I’m sure you would be devoted and true. It’s possible that she feels the same way, but it is also possible that she is not like most women, who would fall at your feet if they heard you talking this way. It’s very attractive to a nice girl. Since I don’t know her or you for that matter, I am going to have to assess the facts. Fact is, she is a mystery right now and you won’t know how she feels until you try... She could have feelings for you too, but is very comfortable being your friend and doesn’t want to spoil it either, by taking any chances. Life is about risks though. Women often like a man to lead the way, so if you were to show her how wonderful the two of you could be together, she might just open her heart and give it a chance. Likewise, she might not respond the way you want her to. She might have chosen you as her best guy friend because she feels “safe” with you and not romantic. Girls will sometimes befriend someone they don’t have to worry about things becoming inappropriate with. This offers us a nice change of pace. By being friends with a man and just having fun, we for once don’t have to deal with the anxieties of love and sex that usually go with the territory. That doesn't mean that can't change though. Life is always changing and we are always changing with it. You like the same things, relate to each other, open up to each other, and are yourselves around each other. You have good grounds so this could totally work! As long as she is open to it… There are ways to go about this more subtly. You may want to try some reverse psychology. Maybe you need to help her realize how special you are, with some tricky transitional tactics. Behaving as a boyfriend might behave, and not a friend, could subconsciously build her emotions for you. Do special things together. When you share experiences, feelings grow. Be romantic, without being aggressive. Behave like a gentleman and start to wine and dine her. Show disapproval when she talks of other men. These things could set her gears in motion very comfortably before you subtly divulge your feelings. If you try to entertain her like it’s your job, she will feel cared for. Being attentive is a powerful courting tool. Don't be accessible to her whenever she needs you. That way when you aren't around, she will think about you. Treat her formally without the “relationship” title over head, and she may realize she likes you before you even tell her! Look, you are her friend and thus she trusts you. This is a wonderful foundation. As long as she’s not in a relationship currently, you don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but reach out to her. Let her either reciprocate, or reject. You have to be brave. It may take you a while or a few test runs to muster up the confidence to do this, but start working on it. You don’t have to be in a hurry, but just get those gears in motion. The right opportunity will present itself. I think it’s a chance you have to take. You may want to see what page she is on by asking probing questions. “How would you feel about dating a close friend?” Feel her out on the subject. You could live your life in the safe zone by never saying anything, but then you would never know what might have been. There are many ways this could go. I refer you to classic stories & movies featuring similar themes: If Lucy Fell, Reality Bites, When Harry Met Sally, Great Expectations, Love in the Time of Cholera, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Two Lovers, Look Who's Talking, and The Truth About Cats and Dogs etc. You already built a bond that most relationships aspire to, by being friends first. Many people enter immediately into a relationship without having friendship first, but having that friendship first promotes your relationships longevity. Give it a go, unless you want to be her shoulder to cry on for a life time when things aren’t going so great with her boyfriends or even her husband. Try and seal the deal with the woman of your dreams! I say go for the gold because you are special. She may not appreciate what is right in front of her, but God willing she will become aware of what matters in life and how hard it is to find it. Some women make the right choice, but others do not and suffer later. Maybe she will come around or maybe she will avoid you from then on. This is risky business because you wage your friendship by opening this door, but I believe it is one you must open nonetheless. You can’t stay in unrequited love forever, unless you enjoy misery. If she is not the one for you, don’t you want to know? If not you can start to readjust your thinking for someone else; someone better. I think you are at a turning point in your friendship. It is time. You cannot take it anymore, you said so yourself! Worst case scenario: she may not want to talk to you anymore, but if so, then she doesn’t really deserve you. At least the truth will be out there. Maybe you will find that she gives it a chance, but realizes it doesn’t work for her later. Or just maybe it will work out in your favor and this story will end in marital bliss! It’s not impossible, but you will never know until you try… Maybe it would encourage you to know that I married my best friend ; )

Boyfriend's Paris Hilton Crush

2010-05-19T11:31:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. We met in college. He makes me happy and we love each other. I have had no complaints, until a couple days ago when he said something that I can’t stop thinking about. To my friends it’s not a big deal, but something about it really bothers me. We were playing a game and I asked him what female celebrity he found most attractive. His celebrity crush was Paris Hilton. I know my boyfriend to be a deep and substantial guy, and I would hope that’s why he’s attracted to me. Now I’m wondering if I’m with the wrong person, or if I even know him at all? Paris is everything I don’t want to be associated with. The fact that he said this is a big deal to me. It’s making me question our relationship altogether. Am I over reacting?
-No Love for Paris

Dear No Love for Paris,
Did you tell him "wrong answer"? I think your reaction is natural. As an intelligent and inquisitive young woman, you neither appreciate nor respect his answer. Not to mock your situation because I completely understand, but this is hilarious because I actually know a lot of women who would also find it irking. I think if we were to take an anonymous poll across the nation, there would be an abundant female response in your favor. I don’t think the mass majority of women want to hear this fall from their lover’s lips, any more than men want to hear sexy pool boy references. It’s annoying. Your boyfriend has expressed approval of someone you loath. Paris is like a corporation that sells sex appeal, which your boyfriend has apparently bought into. How dare he!? You are so much smarter than him and would never fall prey to such cheap ploys. This got under your skin and now you are unable to shake it off. I believe this was a relationship pivotal moment for you. Furthermore, you feel this might be a deal breaker in your book. If you really feel like this is one of those issues that change everything, then maybe it is. I hear you loud and clear, and feel you have a valid concern. However, there are some things to consider. Paris is mostly popular among men for a reason. Paris is “sexy” and that is her talent. Unfortunately sexiness is considered a talent in some lands, including America. What one person thinks is sexy, another person frowns on. You are not on the same page with your opinions of this particular person. Different strokes for different folks, but some women have values that are extremely important to them, in which they are hoping will be compatible with a mate. Paris is not respectable to you so you are not eye to eye on this, just like you wouldn’t be eye to eye on what store to go clothes shopping in. This is called battle of the sexes. Men tend to be very visual creatures and I don’t believe he meant he is attracted to her personality, I think he simply responded on looks. He doesn’t know the “real” Paris Hilton. Very few people do. At some point we realize that no one is perfect, and if we were to be this demanding and hard on every prospect that comes our way, we will probably remain single for eternity. You should ask him to elaborate. What does he see when he looks at her? What does he like about her besides her looks? There are many questions to follow the one you asked. If he doesn’t have anything to say beyond commenting on her looks, then it’s safe to say he was just thinking about looks. If he were to sit down and try to have a conversation with her, he would probably find himself unengaged. However, if you suddenly make the discovery that he doesn’t care about conversation and only values a woman’s looks, then he is contradicting himself and has been very lucky to find someone like you (who is the complete package). Consider yourself beautiful and smart. If he becomes turned off by the conversation and doesn’t want to talk about it, then you are best to drop it and pick it up again later in another way. Get creative with that. You are on a quest for information. Maybe ask him over dinner what he values most in a woman, so you can be sure he appreciates you, but he probably does. I understand that you feel personally insulted by this, but I wouldn’t take his dumb statement too much to heart. You feel like “how can he like me if he likes her?” You are so different from her, but she has a beauty in her own way that is different from yours. I’m sure other men notice you too. It’s natural for people to be attracted to something attractive. Maybe you do not find her attractive, but it’s most likely you are annoyed by the act she puts on. Look, you can like a Salvador Dali painting, as well as a Gustave Courbet, even though they are nothing alike. One is surrealist, and the other is realist. Some people just like a variety. Some people are versatile. That’s not a bad trait. I know you want to feel special to your boyfriend, rather than just being in the category of beautiful women in general, so it will be his job to now celebrate you personally. You don’t feel special so he needs to win you back over, but I’m not sure he’s even aware of that. Tell him? No one is going to fit our exact mold. Most people have secret thoughts and qualms they are better off keeping to themselves, because we would not appreciate or support them. This is an issue of which you are just not on the same page. You thought of your boyfriend as substantial and deep, and now you are worried that it’s all an act or something. You must know that he is these things or he wouldn’t be with you. The fact that he is dating you and loves you, proves that he is substantial or else he wouldn’t be able to connect with you or appreciate you the way he does. I don’t think your boyfriend honestly thought about what he was saying before he said it, but now he’s in the hot pot unawares. Here’s a question; what is more important to you? Is it more important that you find a man who is unfazed by the prowess of female sexuality? Or is it more important that you are with someone you really love, who might carry the flaw of being attracted to the opposite sex? I understand that you might feel his saying this as an attack on your character in some way. Maybe this is the beginning of a deeper problem that will unfold over time, but you have to get to know him better. Honestly, Paris is a symbol of expensive-cheap sex. Her publicized sexuality is so appealing to the general public, that she is recognized for it universally. That being said, your boyfriend is not weird or unusual for noticing her like everyone else, since she has splashed herself all over the media. Yes, it is completely annoying that he would buy into someone so lacking in intellectual sophistication. He should have known that this was not the answer his girlfriend wanted to hear, whether it was true for him or not. His bone head answer resulted in your disgusted “just shoot me” retraction. It’s unlikely he will ever meet her or have the chance to have an affair with her. If he does get that chance though (like so many others), then hopefully he will practice loyalty to you. If you happen to wake up one day to find that your boyfriend has become one of many to run off with Miss Hilton, than you can kiss his shallow caboose good bye and live to tell the outrageous story. I don’t think you have anything to worry about though. What he said was dumb and annoying to most girls (save for those who also aspire to be living Barbies), but you are free to be attracted to as many living Ken dolls as you want too. Take that! If you’re feeling sassy, maybe you can buy him a poster with her on it and hang it in his room. Or better yet, buy yourself a poster featuring the ripped abs of someone you know will bug him. Tee hee hee

Boyfriend is Friends with his X

2010-05-18T18:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I met my boyfriend at a friend’s party. My friends only had good things to say about him. He was visiting from across the country. He was in the process of moving here, so we were long distance at first. Since we hit it off and were instant best friends, it was easy for us. Now he’s local and everything has been going great. He makes me feel so special and he is amazing. The catch is that he confessed something to me the other night that has given me second thoughts. He told me that a girl whom he has been referring all along as “an old friend”, is actually his X-girlfriend of 3 years whom he lived with. Not only that, but he took a weekend vacation with her while we were seeing each other long distance. He assures me nothing happened, but I’m appalled. Do you think I can trust him enough to keep seeing him? I’m worried that this is over before it began.
-Uncertain Girlfriend

Dear Uncertain Girlfriend,
This certainly is a juicy one, isn’t it? So you met Prince Charming and fell under his spell, only to soon discover a skeleton in his closet, and he’s suddenly not so charming after all. Some say love is all about the right lighting, and there probably is some element of truth to that. It seems you fell quite naturally into this relationship. Good for you. It’s not every day that you find a connection like this with someone, which is a glorious and special thing. You had a good foundation by meeting through a mutual friend, who affirmed that he had a clean reputation. That being said, it’s probably safe to say he is not a cereal heart breaker, womanizer, cheater, or dater. You’ve observed his potential to be “the one”. I think this all boils down to an issue of you having to decide whether you can work with this or not. You have been given some new information, and though unpleasant, it may not be entirely detrimental. Maybe you can start over with him. Maybe you will be able to forgive him. It shows great character that he came out with it up front. He didn’t have to tell you anything, but the fact that he chose to be honest is a good sign. Maybe he was uncertain of things at the beginning, in which we are all entitled to make mistakes. Whether you can trust him enough to keep seeing him, is a question you will have to answer for yourself. Trust is also a verb. It is an ongoing thing that we do. You will know whether you can trust him or not, by how you respond to his actions from here on. Will you believe what he tells you in the future? Or will you think he is hiding something? This has to be weighed out based on your experiences. Some women have been very hurt and tainted by trust due to previous boyfriends, so an issue like this becomes almost impossible for them to deal with. Maybe you are not in that category. Maybe you will find that you thought you would be able to trust him again, but you actually are having a hard time. So be it… but that might be a process you have to let happen on its own. Sometimes you can’t rush an answer like this, because it becomes clear later. I understand your disappointment and hesitation now. I would feel the same way. I would want to take some time to myself just to think it over, in which he should respect. You probably feel mislead and deceived. It’s hard to build a relationship when the trust has been rattled, even if it was long ago. He says that nothing happened, but you may find yourself always wondering in the back of your mind if something really did happen or if he is still talking to her. You may find no reason to believe him. These would all be signs telling you that you are not able to trust him again. Also, if he is still friends with her, I would say that relationship is inappropriate and unfair at this point. It is invading you and the intimacy of your relationship. He has a romantic and sexual history with her, and to make matters worse… they went on vacation together behind your back. This is simply not fair and if he wants your trust again, he must adjust himself. He must be sorry and he must show you that he can be trusted again, by not repeating this mistake. Furthermore, he needs to cut his ties with her or else you will always feel like she is in the relationship too. This will take a lot of work on his behalf. Then one day you might hear him complaining about the relationship being too much work, when he was the one to rattle it in the first place. To put it nicely; aren’t men silly sometimes? I respect your bond with this guy, and your feelings toward him. I’m sorry he disappointed you. He sounds like someone special, but he also sounds human. He made a mistake. I don’t think it’s over before it began. I think it began, progressed, and was a wonderful experience for you on the most part. Whether it’s over or not is up to you, but don’t feel like you lost anything. What you had was an experience and from it, you learned. I know what it’s like to not want to waste any time the older you get, but I don’t think this guy was a waste of time. If you decide to move on because you can’t get past his blunder, then think of it this way; he treated you really well and raised the bar, so now you will never accept anything less than what he gave you. A loss can be a gift in that way. It’s really up to you; you can walk away from it, or work to overcome it. You must decide if he is worth it. I personally think you should award him the handicap of this occurring at the beginning when you were long distance. New beginnings are fragile, but long distance is tough. It’s not romantic to think that he wasn’t sure from the start but you never know what page someone is on when you meet them. The object is to eventually merge and grow together, but that is what marriage is about. You found an instant boyfriend; you didn’t find an instant husband. Sometimes men still have little flies buzzing in their ears that they need to swat away in order to make room for us. However, on the other side of the coin you might find yourself thinking; “first time shame on him, second time shame on me…” in regards to fear for the future, but I don’t believe in being so hard on oneself. It's not your fault for believing what someone has told you to trust. I suspect he is still just as special as you thought, just maybe a little immature or confused. I say give it some time and see how you feel. He might be worth it, or he might not be.

Husband Flirts with Co-worker

2010-05-17T15:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
Pardon me for saying this but I’m a married man who is currently having unfaithful thoughts about a girl at work. We are very friendly with each other, and she has given me signals to show she’s interested in being more than friends. I have been married to my wife for 6 years now and love her, but I am a man. My wife doesn’t have the spunk she used to, and she isn't getting any younger. I am naturally drawn to my younger and more attractive co-worker. She is very special. I don’t see the harm in a playful friend, as long as I don’t act on my thoughts. Should I invite her out as a friend as long as I tell my wife? No harm in honesty.
-Feeling Frisky

Dear Feeling Frisky,
How amusing. Men love to hide behind the excuse of carnal and primordial urges which they feel is their right as a species. Your feelings of entitlement are deliciously cowardly. You are 100% playing with fire, and though it seems like a harmlessly fun game, your ignorance may cost you much more than you bargained for. Foolish are the frivolous. I find it amusing that you campaign yourself as “a man” and thus are pardoned from behaving badly. In that case; as women we should henceforth be entitled to stab whoever we want whenever they annoy us, back stab us, or betray us. Is that a fair trade? The point is Mr. Feeling Frisky, if we all gave into our every emotionally impulsive whims of the moment as we felt them, this world would be in a sh1tload of trouble. You dig? Looking at extreme cases of men who gave into their deepest darkest desires, we reflect on horrifying times when the world went mad because it was ruled by savages. You frown on your wife’s aging, and criticize her for losing energy, but who is to say that Mr. Feeling Frisky isn’t soon to become Mr. Divorced and Balding? Aging is part of the human life process. Pardon me for saying this, but this is dopey. You sound like a bachelor for life in disguise as a husband, who could fancy a new fling every few years just to support your sexual appetite. If you want to behave like an animal, then why not associate with them and go lock yourself up at the zoo? Whether you’re a scientist supporting theories of evolution, a die-hard Christian believing our species to be the offspring of Adam and Eve, or a Jew hoping people will come to their senses, the truth is that we human beings pride ourselves at the top of the food chain because we function as the supremely intelligent beings with self control above all else. That is what it boils down to. In some languages, intelligence literally translates to mean mental control. Your primal urge can easily be explained… You have been married for 6 years you say? Perhaps there was a year or two of courtship? So mathematically, maybe you feel like you have been married a little longer? Precisely. You heavily support a study done on the male species, which proved that 84.6% of married men who experience a sporadic infidelity pattern, have an urge curve occurring at the 7 year mark of marriage. That sounds about right for you. This is known as “the 7 year itch”. Are you like Richard Sherman? Do you “like to wander through the labyrinth of the mind”? Well tread lightly my friend, because you know what they say; “they mind is a scary neighborhood, don’t go there alone”. This situation you have allowed yourself to be in (with the assistance of your flaky female comrade), calls for you to have resistance. That’s right: RESIST. It’s as simple as that. Or better yet; run the other way before you disgrace yourself, your reputation, as well as your beloved family. Control yourself. Because if you don’t Mr. Feeling Frisky… your actions are sure to cause irrevocable damage to the lives of all parties involved. How convenient for you to find a younger and newer prospect at work, tossing your wife aside like a worn out shoe. I didn’t realize women were like clothing or accessories to be traded in for newer styles. Sure many men feel this way, but that doesn't make them right and that doesn't make it acceptable. Throughout history, it has been many men coming together in large groups to do terrible things. Group mentality can be very dangerous. I would encourage you to try to live up to the standards of modern civilization and the superior human race, which could potentially devour itself if we allowed ourselves the slightest bit of primitively impulsive freedom… but I’m not so sure you’re up for the job. As a man donning the title of "husband", your job is to not put yourself in those situations, and to resist temptation. Maybe you didn't know what your job was.I feel bad for your wife, to have married a man so unstable and emotionally vulnerable. Where have all the men gone anyways? It seems there are more animals running ramped everywhere, in the form of “a man”. Many people make the marital commitment with no intention of staying faithful from the beginning. Many people allow themselves a little leg room to play as long as they don't "act" on their thoughts, or their wife doesn't find out. Unless you are some kind of immortal super hero, this road only leads to failure. When you share experiences with someone, feelings grow. That's not rocket science, that's human nature. I assure you that telling your wife about this romp results in her devastation and pure stupidity on your part. You don't know what you're doing. If you want to crush her, by all means, spill the beans. But if you respect her feelings or value her as a partner in any way, I say forget the home wrecking colleague, and value what you have at home which is more than most could ever aspire to, and probably more than you deserve. Grow up. For some people, thinking about it is just as bad as doing it. After all, it's in our minds that we begin to materialize our ideas and create.. looks like you are aspiring to create a mess. You are more appropriately titled Mr. Unfaithful.

Not Invited to Roommate's Wedding

2010-05-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
My roommate from college is getting married. The problem is that he didn’t bother to tell me. Not only did he not tell me, but he didn’t even invite me to the wedding. I found out through a mutual friend, and the wedding is next month! I am shocked and hurt by this. We were close when we lived together. We graduated 3 years ago and have remained distant friends ever since. He just visited me 5 months ago with his soon to be wife, whom I am also friends with. I wrote him a message to congratulate him after I heard the news, but he responded coldly with one line. I don’t understand why. What do I do?
-The Uninvited

Dear Uninvited,
I feel for you. I would be offended too. True, it's rude that he didn’t inform you, invite you, or respond warmly to your sweetness. He kept you in the dark, but there could be more to the story than meets the eye. You never know what's going on behind closed doors. Did you notice a change in his behavior? Maybe he has found himself in a bad situation and is obligated to marry this girl. Maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe it’s going to be a small and private affair. Maybe they had wanted to elope secretly and inform the “media” after wards. Maybe he went through some heavy stuff. Maybe he got depressed. Maybe he has cold feet and is holding it all inside. Who knows what kind of demands his soon to be in-laws are making or what he is marrying into, either? Maybe they can’t afford a big wedding, so they had to keep the guest list minimized to only family and dear friends. That rejection seems painful to hear, but it could be that he was limited to 4 or 5 people. Maybe you simply didn’t make the cut. I wouldn’t take it too personally because who knows what's going on with him!? It’s never safe to assume because assumption is the Mother of f*ck ups (and “it makes an ass of u and me”). Don't kill yourself speculating because the possibilities are endless. Honestly, weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. The point is, he didn’t explain anything and that was his choice. If he were a good friend, he would have kept you in the loop. Maybe he doesn’t feel as close to you as you once were. In college everyone is so social. It’s a priority on some level to most students. It's part of the college culture. People also adapt to their living situations, their classes, their associations, or Fraternities whatever. Then life happens. It just may be that the roommate you once knew is someone entirely different now. It’s amazing what a little time and distance can do to a friendship, especially in different cities. People are very surprising. I have friends whom I know I will never be able to speak to or get a hold of, unless I am right in front of them in their daily life. Sometimes life just gets really busy and we don’t have the time we need for our social lives. I’d say to remember the good times you had and the guy you once new, and be open to the chance that he is just farther away mentally and emotionally. The lines of communication have shut down over time, to a point where he is now getting married and you didn’t even know. It’s sad and hard to realize you have come to that point, but such is life. He would be lucky to have a friend who cares like you do, so he is missing out. If you would like, by all means give him a call. Don’t email because that’s such a closed form of communication and you will have no way of knowing how he responded. Call him and say something along the lines of; “I remember when we were really close in college and used to talk about things like this, and now it’s really happening for you. I’m so happy for you and I regret I won’t be part of your special day.” There’s nothing wrong with expressing your feelings on the matter. You have the right. After all is said and done, he should appreciate and acknowledge the thoughtfulness of an old friend. If he can’t even do that and still offers no explanation, then I’d say to realize he changed. Some people change for better, and some for worse. It will be good for you to try to remember him fondly. Keep the good memories. Some people will decide on their own when a friendship is done, and not bother to inform you. If you need closure, ask around mutual friends about details of the marriage or wedding. It may not be what you think. Don't worry, in the end it's small potatoes.

X-High School Lover

2010-05-16T19:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I ended my relationship with my high school boyfriend. We were together for 3 & ½ years. He is not the only one I have been with, but he was my first. I needed to move on because we weren’t going anywhere. We kept breaking up and then getting back together over trust issues. I was just ready to grow up and stop clinging to him. Now I find myself dating someone new every other week but they’re nothing special. I often get the urge to call my X and work it out, but whenever I do, I remember why I left. We are still friends but it’s confusing. I think I will always have feelings for him. I started seeing this new guy but he broke up with me when he found out I still talk to my X. Do you think our friendship is not good for me? Do you think I should try to work it out? Or do you think we should be done? What do you think of this!?
-Missing Him

Dear Missing Him,
It sounds like you made a rational decision to end this relationship, but your emotions are keeping one foot still in the door. You’re entitled to be lonely for your stable relationship, but you don’t want to fall back into old habits. This is someone you were very close to for a sufficient amount of time, and of whom you gave your virginity. You’re simply attached and that’s a difficult string to sever at first, but over time, it will become easier and eventually, just a memory… should you choose to entirely move on. It’s natural to want to run back into a soft, warm place when you first experience the harsh, cold realities of adult dating. It’s a jungle out there. When you go in circles with someone like that though, it’s time to step back and adjust yourself in the situation. It’s hard to see what page you’re on, when you’re so deeply involved. This is a time for reflection and experimentation for you. Test those waters. Try on different men for size, so to speak. One will be a good fit! It’s good to ask yourself life pivotal questions: do I see myself with this person? Is this something I want to build? Can I work with this? Who am I with this person? What do they bring out of me? How do they make me feel? Am I comfortable being myself? Do I feel safe? Is this someone I want to be? Is this someone I like to be? What do I want? Who am I to begin with? Reason being that it's safe to say that you and your X probably both have some growing up to do. Many feel it’s healthy to establish your own identity before you should associate yourself as someone’s partner. If this is your High School sweetheart, it’s likely you haven’t done that yet. Some people grow together, but some people also grow apart. Maybe you two just don’t work. Some relationships become very dysfunctional simply because people eagerly make big life decisions about marriage before they are ready. Due to the fact that you are young, you can take the lessons you’ve learned from being with your X, and apply them to the future. Sometimes we become a better mate to our partner, and other times we become a better mate to someone else. This decision is deeply personal. It shows maturity that you felt empowered to “stop clinging to him” because a lot of people remain unaware that they have done just that; clung to their High School lover for fear of having to actually grow up and become independent. It takes 2 adults to do the right things for each other. If trust is broken, it must become an ongoing and equal effort by both parties to mend the damage that has been done. Sometimes that damage is irreversible. The question is if it will become just a fading scar, or remain an open injury? These issues are not impossible to mend, but they are difficult. A relationship is a constant effort. Like the saying goes; it’s a verb, not a noun. A lot of married couples go through similar issues and work them out over time, but that’s because they’ve made a formal life commitment in which they have vowed to share their life with this chosen person. A formal commitment usually motivates people to try and work together to understand each other more etc. Be glad you aren’t bound by such commitments at this time, because you’re still free to make a better decision that could be not only healthier, but more right for you. If you find yourself going in circles with someone, then it’s possible you are unable to get over his past betrayals. Without trust, you have no foundation so this relationship will not work unless you both work very hard to mend it and make it work. It will not be easy, but it is possible. Maybe one day you will meet again as individuals and decide to start over, but for now it sounds like you are ready to spread your wings. As far as him remaining your “friend”, I feel you need to make a decision at some point because many men (including the new guy you started seeing) will not take kindly to that factor. They will feel it is unfair to keep your X around. In terms of new romantic prospects, you should respect their feelings. If you want to have a life with a new man, you are going to have to give him the chance to be the man in your life. It’s sort of like playing with fire to still befriend an X, because on some level, you are still involved. If he were just a guy you were friendly with, that would be different, but he is no stranger and he is not just a guy. The older I get, the more strongly I feel that “friendships” with Xs are inappropriate. Not because men and women can’t be friends, but because of the history you share and it’s power to pull on your heart strings. I say cut the cord and cast it to the wind. By totally opening yourself up to someone new, you’ll open yourself up to a future with new possibilities you never imagined. Your will to leave was strong, which shows independence already. At least you can think for yourself. It sounds like you are ready to move on, but just may be a little bit scared, which is OK (and normal). I think you are on the right track by letting him go. Sometimes it takes a while to really be done, but when you come to that realization, try not to look back, as hard as it is. Patience.

Noisy Neighbor

2010-05-16T14:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlie,
I just moved into a new apartment. I really like it here. I have not lived in an apartment as nice and big as this before. I chose this location because it’s quiet. I’m from the suburbs and am used to quiet nights, but I wanted to experience city life. I have just discovered that my neighbor across the hall likes to keep late hours. This means she blasts her music and it goes on til the wee hours of the morning. I am so annoyed because I find it rude. I don’t know how to handle this problem without making things weird between me and her, when I haven’t even introduced myself yet. How should I approach this?

-Noisy Nights

Dear Noisy Nights,
Ah the good old selfish prick neighbor. Welcome to city life. This is a classic case of which most people can relate. There is strength in numbers here but it’s best to shop all your options. I’d say if you’re down right dirty, feel free to call the cops on her without warning and laugh as she gets busted. However, if you live in a really big city, they may not ever show up because they have way more serious priorities to tend to over a mere noise complaint. This tactic could also backfire on you regarding how many neighbors you have, because she may figure out who is responsible for ratting her out. You don't want this to turn into an ongoing vengeful battle reminiscent of Grumpy Old Men. Who knows who you are dealing with?! She could have a substance abuse problem for all you know, which isn't entirely unlikely. If you live in a big building, who cares if you have to tell her to shutup because you have to sleep, and that may be more important to you than making friends or seeking neighborly approval, which she can obviously relate to. Sometimes it’s best to nip this one in the butt. If you live in a smaller building, that could make things uncomfortable, but you may not run into her often and you don't owe her anything just because you live nearby. Look, she's not being "nice" by worrying about your feelings, so why should you waste your time worrying about hers? Don’t be afraid to confront her head-on, because if you don't take action, you're the one who is going to suffer. Meanwhile she is having a grand old time at your expense, doing whatever it is she can't refrain from doing during hours when most human beings function. Everyone likes to cut loose once in a while, but people who cling to it on a nightly basis tend to be unbalanced individuals. You don’t have time for this and she should know better. She might pretend she didn't realize how loud it was, and play the victim, but that's when you will know the extent of her character. Use it to your advantage. Like I said, you never know who you are dealing with. In an extreme case, she could end up being completely disrespectful and slam the door on your face, in which case, you will adjust your decision. But... she could just be a fun girl who often makes foolish mistakes (like the rest of us), in which case, you just made a new friend. Keep in mind that you are not obligated to be friends just because you inhabit the same building and this is ultimately an invasion of your privacy. Maybe you could rally with the others and share your frustration, and collectively assert her on the matter in some way. A letter in the lobby? Under her door? On her mailbox? Or a group visit! Ha! You do not have to get involved with her just because you complained about her noisiness. You may want to put in a call to your landlord but who knows how much they will care either. In NYC, the apartment vacancy turn-over rate is so high, most people keep to themselves and don’t even bother to get involved with neighbors unless they are really grounded and settled. Many people avoid neighboring inhabitants. If you don’t mind being assertive, go to her damn door, knock on it in your pajamas (making sure to look extra frazzled and disrupted) so she can clearly see you are trying to sleep, and ask her politely to turn it down. If you play the sympathy card, she may respond positively; "I always wished I was cool enough to be a nocturnal person, but it's not for me". If this is not a continuous habit of hers however, and only seems to occur on weekends, then maybe you can invest in some comfortable ear plugs and accept the fact that big cities are noisy and you have no control over it. If you’re feeling a little saucy, I might be tempted to write a note on her door asking her to let you know when she plans to actually sleep or have “quiet time” so that you can make sure to blast your music then. You might want to mention that you go to a Club when you want to feel the gyration of music, not to your home. However, if you are a courteous person who prefers more reasonable and tasteful tactics, you might want to simply tell her via note (since you never know when you’re going to run into this person), that you would appreciate her keeping her music down because your job requires you to be an early riser. A reasonable person will understand, be willing to work with you, and adjust themselves. If she ignores your efforts to "make nice", then you can't work with her and refer to nastier options above... or just tell that b*tch to check herself! Just kidding. Don't jump to conclusions though if you don't get a response. If you're lucky, she might just feel stupid. It would be ideal if we could all cohabit Earth peacefully, but that's not reality. Not every living situation is ideal but just be grateful you don’t have her as a roommate. It could always be a lot worse. Reading up on other people's roommate horror stories can be comforting too. There are plenty out there. Delight in the fact that once you shut your door, your space is yours and yours alone. That’s a luxury many people can’t even afford so you might want to focus on that. Either way, whatever you decide to do, it's probably just to make yourself feel better because a person who bumps their music late night like that, is usually aware of it and just being selfish or cocky. Good luck and don’t forget that two can play that game...

Charlie is here!

2010-05-14T14:05:00.000-07:00

I offer honest advice on friends, love, relationships, family, work, etc. I live in Manhattan and work in the media. I'm very social. I know "people". I articulate relationship dynamics in a way you may find helpful, comforting or entertaining. Reading about other people going through things we can relate to is therapeutic, so browse the archives when you're feeling blue. You are not alone. It's hard to see a situation clearly when we are deeply involved in it. Emotions can cloud perception. Human beings are hard wired to connect to each other so we learn greatly from observing (& needing) each other. Allow my perception to help you by writing to me about an issue you are dealing with that needs help. I will listen and take time to assess your situation. You will always remain anonymous so feel free to be honest. Honesty is healthy, and it's my policy. I will tell you A) what you want to hear B) what you were already thinking C) what you don't want to hear D) what you may be in denial about E) what you suspect or F) what you haven't considered or weren't aware of... write to:

DearCharliegirl@yahoo.com

and don't forget to pray on it too.